Not Too Dirty Jokes....

[Bill Furniture]

Dear Abby

Dear Abby:

I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been
diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a
suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in
Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and
selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two
sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life
sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other
brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on
charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute
who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in
a brothel. Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own
brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two
sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would
prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off
the street, and hopefully, their
heroin habits.

All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my
fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I
certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her
about my distant cousin who is French?



Signed,



Worried About My Reputation

 

[CoyoteGirlJosi]

A SHEILA went to buy a rod and reel. She grabbed the first one she saw and took it to the checkout, where she found a bloke wearing sunnies. "Excuse me," she said. "Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" The man said, "Ma'am, I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know from the sound it makes." The woman didn't believe him but dropped it onto the counter anyway. The bloke thought for a moment then said, "That's a 2m graphite rod with a Zebco reel and a 5kg test line. It's a good all-rounder and costs $20." The woman was amazed. "You can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping onto the counter?" she said. "I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it." As the blind bloke went behind the counter the woman farted. At first she was embarrassed but soon realised there was no way the assistant would know she was the only person around. The man rang up the sale and said, "That'll be $25.50." "But you said it was $20," the woman said. "Yes ma'am," the bloke said. "The rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3 and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

 

[Bill Furniture]

A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede,
England.

They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where
the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When
did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Shoot! Just missed it
by a half hour!"

 

[Bill Furniture]

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."The frog is thrilled, "This is great!"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks."No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

 

[Bill Furniture]

Q: What is the difference between a frenchwoman and a basketball team?


A: The basketball team showers after 4 periods.

 

[Bill Furniture]

A guy goes to the lake to do some fishing.

Another guy comes along and they agree to share a boat.

While they're out on the water, the first guy pulls a stick of dynamite out of his tackle box, lights it and flings it out into the water. He then brings the boat over that way and scoops up a bunch of fish in his net.

The second guy goes into his own tackle box and pulls out a Game Warden badge and tells the first fisherman that he's under arrest.

The first man reaches for his tackle box, lights another stick of dynamite and places it in the Game Warden's hand and says, "Are you gonna talk or fish?"

 

[Bill Furniture]

bumper stickers

17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.

16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

15. The proctologist called...they found your head.

14. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.

13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

9. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

8. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people
Everybody, But Me."

7. Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out
by itself.

2. Hang up and drive!

AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER:

1. Welcome to America ... Now speak English!

 

[Bill Furniture]

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when
the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge
three toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across
the desert your toes will help you to stay on top
of the soft sand".

"OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks,
"Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on
the trips through the desert", the camel mother answers.

"Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the
son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great
big humps on my back??"

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies,
"They are there to help us store water for our long
treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking
for long periods."

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us
sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from
our eyes and these humps to store water, but... Mom?"

"Yes son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

 

[Bill Furniture]

A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some
fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really
hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little
harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HELLLLOOOO ... First, you
gotta roll up the windows!

 

[Bill Furniture]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside
restaurant for lunch. They left the restaurant, after finishing their
meal.

The elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn't
miss them, until they were back on the road. By then, they had to travel quite a distance, before they could find a place to turn around.

The elderly and grouchy old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He just wouldn't let up one minute. When they finally arrived at the restaurant, as the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the geezer yelled to her,.............









"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."

 

[Bill Furniture]

Abe's son Morris arrived home from school puffing and
panting, sweat rolling down his face.

"Dad, you'll be so proud of me," Morris said,
"I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home!"

"Morris, you are a stupid boy!" said Abe,
"You could have run behind a taxi and saved $12.00!"

 

[Bill Furniture]

Senior jokes

1. Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did
you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I
have? A suppository?" She pulled it out &stared at it. Then she said,
"Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing
aid is."


2. When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the
paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers
delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea. Replied the
widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea,
but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great
lover rather than the big shit he always was."


3. An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and
washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find
her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he
would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and
finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform
you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up
to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl
worth $50,000. Please advise" The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl
and re-bait the trap"


4. A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint
moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She
lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held,
and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch
that wall!"


5. When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench
sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, "I
have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and
then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground
coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" He said, "She makes me
homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me
for half the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?" He said, "For
dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and
then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. I said, "Well, why in the world would
you be crying?" He said, "I can't remember where I live!"


6. Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now
don't get mad at me..... I know we've been friends for a long time..... but
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she
said, "How soon do you need to know?




THE SENILITY PRAYER Grant me the senility to forget the people I never
liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight
to tell the difference.

 

[Bill Furniture]

Stress Reduction Exercise

Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works .





1. Picture yourself near a stream.





2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.





3. No one but you knows your secret place.





4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,"





5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.





6. The water is crystal clear.





7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.





8. See! You're smiling already!

 

[Bill Furniture]

Japanese Pizza

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only." (pepperoni)

 

[Bill Furniture]

This is a detective story so pay close attention!!!
Three lil' ole ladies are excited about seeing
their first Giants baseball game. They smuggle
a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park.

The game is real exciting and they are enjoying
themselves immensely mixing the Jack Daniel's
with soft drinks.

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone
and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what inning is it
and how many players are on base?









Think!


















Think some more!!





















You're gonna love it......





















Answer:
It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.

 

[Casper]

Would Pepsi be the soft drink of choice even for the old bags ?

 

[Bill Furniture]

If they're hanging out with me it would be.

 

[Bill Furniture]

The Dancing Duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its
owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"Oh!" the duck's former owner replied:
"Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

 

[Bill Furniture]

War Story

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border.

To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along side the road.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive.

They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth.

I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard.

I looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is a
corrupt, cheating, lying piece of crap!"

He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "Bill Clinton, Tom
Daschle, Ted Kennedy, Hillary Clinton and most of the rest of your Democrats are corrupt, cheating, lying pieces of crap too!"

"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

 

[Bill Furniture]

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.
She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpselike look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . .

there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."