Not Too Dirty Jokes....

Bounced check?

The guy who wrote this is a genius. The letter to a bank below is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some 30 minutes must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2003, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised of the following changes: I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service:

Press buttons as follows:

To make an appointment to see me.


To query a missing payment.


To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.



To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.


To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.


To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.



To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.



To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.



To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie": "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for."


On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorised Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. New phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your Humble Client,
(Name Withheld)
 
Two lawyers had been marooned on a dessert island for almost a year after their ship had sunk during a terrible storm.

One day while walking along the beach, the two lawyers find a beautiful unconscious woman washed up on the shore.

The first lawyer asks the second lawyer,"Think we should screw her?" And the second lawyer replies,
"Outta what?"
 
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the
bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists
who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six
generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting,"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd become mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.


"Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the
theatre.................................
 
On trial

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me...young man...Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" ...And that's when I shot the little bastard
 
These three women were room-mates. One night they had all gone
out on dates and they all came home at about the same time. The
first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you
come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date
when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed
her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.
She said "Now THAT'S a good date!"
 
A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type
taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample
from his finger after finishing she looks around for a
piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. she
can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy and
takes his finger and sucks it.

The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think I could
have a urine test done?"
 
Indian Algebra

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The
first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a
teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief
was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept
the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made
out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what
had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared
that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of
the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other
two hides."
 
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
 
A guy is sitting at a bar, staring at the sexy barmaid. He slaps a 10 spot on the table and says, I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go into the bathroom."

She knows the bathroom is around the corner, so she acceptes the bet. He takes out his glass eye, places it beside his drink and goes to the bathroom. When he comes back, he pockets the money and makes another challenge.

"Betcha I can bite my own ear," the guy says.

She accepts, and he takes out his false teeth and nips his ear. Once more he scoops up the money.

"Ok," he says, "I'll give you a chance to win back your money. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won't feel a thing."

She knows this bet is a sure thing, so she accepts. The guy climbs nehind the bar, lifts her skirt and begins.

"I can feel you," she giggles.

"Oh well," he says, "You win some, you lose some."
 
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!






I'm sorry.... What was the question?
 
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Kathy went to Nancy's place to tell her about a horrible experience she had the previous night with this guy she took home.

"Well, what happened when you got there?" asked Nancy.

"After we had sex, the son of a bitch called me a slut!"

Somewhat shocked, Nancy asked, "What did you do then?"

"I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom, and to take his eight friends with him!"
 
Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and
during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male
patients was masturbating.

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of
this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness,
but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up
rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times
per day, he could swell up and he might die"

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical
condition existed."

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde
nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"

The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
 
An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all
went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked."

"I'm here to feed the alligator."
 
Coyote tried to give pussy away with her 10 Men Fantasy Best Pussy Eaters.....she only got 3 Volunteers..You gotta laugh at that....hahahahhahahhhahahahha......That one flew out the Cookoookoooos nest.........Howooolllooooooo...Full Moon tonight excuse my wild behavior...........
 
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