Not Too Dirty Jokes....

C

CoyoteGirlJosi

#541
#541
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blowjob I promised you? Here it comes..."
 
B

Bill Furniture

Flounder
#542
#542
A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making wild and passionate love.

In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realised that they were not going to stop or get out of his way,so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"

Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
 
B

Bill Furniture

Flounder
#543
#543
Twins

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated
boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his
boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He
spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from
the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of
the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died
suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few
things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for
John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel
terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no!
Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old
thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she
smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had
a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like
crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to
those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she
wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her
anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and
she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.
 
F

fumpton

#544
#544
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters
used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up
 
J

jp1064

#545
#545
Originally posted by CoyoteGirlJosi
Coyote tried to give pussy away with her 10 Men Fantasy Best Pussy Eaters.....she only got 3 Volunteers..You gotta laugh at that....hahahahhahahhhahahahha......That one flew out the Cookoookoooos nest.........Howooolllooooooo...Full Moon tonight excuse my wild behavior...........
Click to expand...
2 of us can just go 3 times, and one of us 4. I'll take 4.
 
B

BklynBoy

#546
#546
Gotta love the Brits!

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business.

Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," retorts the policeman as he unzips his pants and begins to take a piss too, "It's the French Embassy."
 
C

CoyoteGirlJosi

#551
#551
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
 
C

CoyoteGirlJosi

#552
#552
A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"

"What! Are you crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.

"No! Someone might see us..."

"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it."

"No! I said no!"

"Baby... don't be like that."

"Come on baby pleeeeaassseee"

"I'm not going to give you a blow job"

"Why Not...baby it will be quick I promise?"

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."
 
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