Not Too Dirty Jokes....

[SkellyChamp]

The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement:


"We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".

 

[SkellyChamp]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa,
half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful
with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America,
well developed and open to trade especially for
someone with cash.

Between 31 and 40, she is like India, very
hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Gently aging but still a warm and a desirable
place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia,
lost the war - haunted by past mistakes.
Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very
wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid
climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia,
with a glorious and all conquering past but
alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan.
Most everyone knows where it is, but no one
wants to go there.

- - - - - - -

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70, a man is like Iraq - ruled
by a prick.

 

[Bill Furniture]

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people
were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned
to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop
poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just
my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really" she spat. "then you must have some job, because
that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."

 

[daengman]

A friend of mine confessed to me that he recently came into some money.

He jerked-off into his wallet.

 

[Bill Furniture]

A husband, not happy with his wife's mood swings, bought her a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor her moods. When she's in a good mood, it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy her a diamond!!!!

 

[Bill Furniture]

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic. The
druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?". The lady say's "To
kill my husband." "I can't sell you any for that reason" says he druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a
women in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the
druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist. He looks at the photo and
says" Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"

 

[Bill Furniture]

A Daughter-Father Talk

One time there was a young teenage girl that was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and her father was a rather staunch Republican.

One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to programs like welfare.

He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school.. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party and often went sleepless because of all of the studying. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of all her studying.

He then asked how her friend Mary, who was attending the same college, was doing. She replied that she was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied. She was very popular on campus and was at parties all the time. She often wouldn't show up for classes because she was hung over.

He then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her friend that only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA.

The daughter fired back and said, "That wouldn't be fair, I worked really hard for mine and my friend has done nothing".

The father smiled and said , "Welcome to the Republican Party .".

 

[Bill Furniture]

Beauty Salon

In dire need of a beauty make-over, Nancy went to her salon with a
fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous haired model.

She showed the stylist the trendy new cut she wanted and settled into
the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on her
thin, graying hair.

Nancy was delighted by his cheerful attitude until she recognized the
melody.

It was the theme from "Mission Impossible."

 

[Bill Furniture]

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving
to a new office, and his staff was helping
transport many of the items. I sat the display
skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm
across the back of my seat.

I hadn't considered the drive across town. At
one traffic light, the stares of the people
in the car beside me became obvious, and I
looked across and explained, "I'm delivering
him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window.
"I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but
I think it's too late!"

 

[Bill Furniture]

Whistling While You Work

A very young MD, doing an OB residency, was quite embarrassed
performing female exams and had unconsciously formed a habit of
whistling softly to cover this. One day, after her exam, a
young, attractive patient commented on his habit. Flustered, he
tried to explain when she burst out laughing, "It's not the whistling,
doctor, it's your choice
of songs!" He thought a moment, then blushed even more when he
suddenly realized he'd been whistling, "I wish I were an Oscar
Meyer weiner"

 

[Bill Furniture]

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

 

[Bill Furniture]

Dog &Wives

This is why lots of guys have two dogs and not two wives.

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or
desk or ******.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of
you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get
another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for
free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think
it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater or stereo.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.

 

[genius]

A local college towns medical research center was doing some experiments on altering the characteristics of semen to determine if such changes could selectively change the rate at which sperm with the X chromosome swims compared to the Y chromosome.

To do this the needed a rather large amount of semen as there were many ideas on how to do this. So the director placed and ad in the local college paper offering $100 per sample. The only rule was that the college student had to go into a small room with a little white cup and come back out with the semen sample in the cup.

Well, the turnout was much larger than expected with a long line of guys lined up outside the place waiting to get in.
However in the middle of the line was a coed. The guy in back of her, wanting to spare her embarrassment taped her on the shoulder and asked the young miss " Are you sure you know what this line is for?" The coed smiled but kept her lips tightly shut and answered "Hummmmfff"

 

[Bill Furniture]

An American, a Mexican and an Iraqi are in a bar one night having a beer.

The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,
pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Mexico our
glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice"

The Iraqi [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says "In Iraq we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't
need to drink out of the same glass twice either"

The American, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican
and the Iraqi. He says "In America, we have so many Mexicans and Iraqis
that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

 

[Bill Furniture]

A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are your celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"What a coincidence, the woman said. For my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!
How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.

 

[Bill Furniture]

Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades and decide
to take them to the police station. "What if one of
them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem.

"Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll
just lie and tell them we only found two."

 

[Bill Furniture]

Apples

A guy is driving down a country road when he
sees a sign, "Apples - $5.00 each."

Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost
that much, he stops and asks the farmer why
the apples are so expensive.

The farmer says, "These are special peanut
butter and jelly apples. Here, try one."

The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste
the peanut butter but not the jelly."

The farmer says, "Turn it around."
He does and he savors a sweet jelly.

The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese
apples too, but they're $10.00 each."

The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite
and says, "Wow, these are great but I taste
the ham but not the cheese."

The farmer says,"Turn it around."

He does, takes a bite and
a rich, creamy cheese fills his mouth.

Then farmer says, "Now, if you really like
those, I've got some very special apples that
cost $50.00 each. They're pussy apples."
The man cannot resist and buys one. He
takes a bite and says, "YUCK, these taste
like shit!" The farmer says, "Turn it around"

 

[Bill Furniture]

Saddam Hussein's son comes home from weekly shopping with everything in a cardboard box...

His dad says, "Why have you brought the shopping home in a cardboard box, oh stupid son?"

To which the son replies, (Scroll down ......... your gonna love this one !!!!!!!!!!!!!)
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"Because there was no Baghdad!"

 

[Bill Furniture]

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser
with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse
some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd
standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off
the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's
get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled
stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his
partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the veteran, "especially since this
is a bus stop."

 

[CoyoteGirlJosi]

Superman was flying around one night just having a good time
when he noticed Wonder Woman on the ground, spread out,
naked. Superman says "Wow God! Oh Oh Yeah. Well I guess
because I am the
fastest man in the world I can go and do my business with
her." So he goes down and boom boom boom, then he flies
off.
Wonder woman says "Invisible Man what was that?"
Invisible Man says "I don't know but my ass is burning off."