Not Too Dirty Jokes....

[Troutman]

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder.....

"Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot."

Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

 

[Troutman]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington, DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the US Senate for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Senator Daschle. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Senator Daschle, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.

 

[Troutman]

Overview: My son's hamster just got back from the vet. (Long, but worth it.)

Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to
Tell me there was something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds
prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called,
"come look at the hamster!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.

(I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were
supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm,
sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (Again, I think with the more sarcasm.)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going
to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness
the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know.

(I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We
peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't
appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma."

(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze,"his mother noted to him.

Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is
one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact,
that isn't NEVER going to happen... Ernie IS a boy." "What?" we gasped in
confusion "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally,as they come
into
maturity, like most male species, they um.... um....masturbate. Just the
way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well,
you know what I'm saying, Mr.Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just... just... Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.

"It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny
little..."
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled
the hamster and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks...
Trip to the Vet - 30 bucks...
Mental Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's tiny wacker........
Priceless!

 

[Troutman]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals.

So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll every body: the princess, the priests, the prostitutes, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch. Only she would know the answer. The price would be high, however, as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: she wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified as the witch was hunchbacked and hideous, ! had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises ... etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature and he refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that no sacrifice was too high compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thusly: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And it was so.

The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom and Gawain and the witch had a splendid w! edding.

Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display and made everyone very uncomfortable.

The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half the time, and the other half she would be her beautiful maiden self.

Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question!

Gawain pondered his predicament: during the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends but, at night in the privacy of his home, a hideous witch? Or vice-a-versa?

What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read it until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, the witch announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is this: If the bitch doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly.

 

[Troutman]

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing
Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles
around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike
most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people
up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to
hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I
want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for
six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth
while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the
watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd become mesmerized as the watch swayed back
and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers
and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

 

[Troutman]

A WORLD FIRST - A MALE BLONDE JOKE

The first Blonde GUY joke ... and well worth the wait!

An *****man, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the
*****man said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and
cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the *****man opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage
and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and
jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the *****man's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.


"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

 

[Troutman]

The following is from National Review Online, this is a joke making the rounds in Iraq

The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, 'I have some good news and some bad news.' They ask for the good news first.

"Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs.'

"'And the bad news?' they ask.

"Aziz replies, 'He's lost an arm.'"

 

[Troutman]

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper,
and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker,
and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody
pooper scooper,what do you call a Japanese drummer
boy whose father has diarrhea?

A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

 

[Troutman]

ENLARGE YOUR COALITION! GUARANTEED!

Want a big international COALITION? Tired of getting spurned by hot European
girls because of your "unilateralism"?

Now, YOU can experience the COALITION ENLARGEMENT you've always wanted with
a MASSIVE accounting breakthrough!! 100% GUARANTEED!!!

THE APPEARANCE OF SIZE DOES MATTER!

With the help of our GUARANTEED plan you too will go from being a little
bush to a THICK, MIGHTY LOG in no time! Best yet, our plan has NO Painful
and Hard-To-Use international pumps like the UN, and NO annoying allies who
might actually try and assert themselves!

With our plan, you can GROW that HUGE THROBBING COALITION in just THREE EASY
STEPS!!!

1) Get one of your buddies at the health club (or in England) to SING
PRAISES of how MIGHTY your Coalition is, then simply COUNT EVERYONE AT THE
HEALTH CLUB (or in England) AS BEING PART OF YOUR COALITION -- WHETHER THEY
WANT TO BE OR NOT. Remember to use the phrase: "Everyone
down at the gym (or England) says I have a huge coalition" often.

2) MOCK anyone who questions the size of your coalition, especially if they
ask for measurements. Be quick to say: "I don't have to measure it because
everyone KNOWS it's HUGE." Better yet, ask them how big THEIR coalition is.
That usually shuts them up real fast. If it doesn't, simply
change the subject or walk out of the room.

3) Tell possible MEMBERS they can hang with you and the cool kids down at
Club NATO after the show. If that doesn't work, promise to slip several
billion dollars into their economy (Don't actually give them the money, just
promise it.)

4) You can DOUBLE and TRIPLE the size of your international thang by padding
it with SEXY sounding places like Latvia, Uzbekistan and, ooh baby, Eritrea.
And if anyone wonders what good the Marshall Islands are when they can't
even field 2 guys at the Olympics much less an army, you
just shoot back "HEY, even with MICRONESIA on my side I'm still bigger than
the French! HAR!"

5) And finally, when all else fails just tell people 1/3 or more of your
coalition is HIDDEN and flatly refuse to pull out the whole length. Insist
real gentlemen don't talk about such things in public and that they'll just
have to trust your word as to how MASSIVELY THROBBINGLY HUGE the whole
coalition is. Then cite security concerns and have them arrested.

If you follow the above 4 steps, you will be GUARANTEED to ERECT a bigger
coalition that will leave them all too WILLING to drop trou, bend over and
do ANYTHING YOU TELL 'EM TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For more details, contact Ari F. at http://www.whitehouse*****/

"'Enlarge your coalition' made me a man!" - George B.

 

[Troutman]

MEDICAL ALERT:



A leading medical group has published data that indicate Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is believed that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.

There is a new product available: whole wheat and bran matzoh, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is "Let My People Go".

Old Jewish men in Miami get a hernia from wearing a chai which is too heavy. It is called a Chayaitel hernia.

And speaking of circumcisions: An enterprising Rabbi is offering circumcisions via the Internet. The service is called..... "Emoil."

 

[Troutman]

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

 

[Troutman]

I said to my wife, "Guess what I heard in the pub?

They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in our road except one."

And she said, "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis at number 23."

 

[justbill_redux]

Originally posted by Troutman
MEDICAL ALERT:



A leading medical group has published data that indicate Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is believed that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.

There is a new product available: whole wheat and bran matzoh, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is "Let My People Go".

Old Jewish men in Miami get a hernia from wearing a chai which is too heavy. It is called a Chayaitel hernia.

And speaking of circumcisions: An enterprising Rabbi is offering circumcisions via the Internet. The service is called..... "Emoil."

Bal Toyreh, Meshugeh ahf toit! LOL....keep the day job tho. Happy Passover

 

[Troutman]

Chak samaya (sp) everybody!

 

[pjorourke]

Socrates

In ancient Greece, Socrates held knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your best friend?"

"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was humping his wife.

 

[Dondee]

Originally posted by Troutman
Chak samaya (sp) everybody!

and

Buona Pasqua

 

[redleg609]

Re: Socrates

Originally posted by pjorourke
SNIP

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was humping his wife. [/B]

Of course, Socarates wrote about homosexual love in a postive way so maybe he didn't care.

 

[Bill Furniture]

A crusty old Marine Corps Sgt Maj found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sgt Maj for conversation.She said, "Excuse me, Sgt Maj, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"Negative ma'am," the Sgt Maj said, "just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sgt Maj's short reply was, "Yes ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself." The Sgt Maj just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sgt Maj looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The Sgt Maj, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"

 

[Bill Furniture]

Three-year-old Melissa stumbled open a box in the bathroom labeled,
"Sanitary Napkins."

"Mom," she said, "why aren't these napkins in the kitchen?"

"Oh dear," Mom said. "These are ... special ... napkins. We only use them
on special occasions."

"Oh," Melissa said with a shrug. "Okay."

A couple weeks later, it was Mom's 45th birthday and Melissa's assignment
was to set the table -- so Melissa diligently set places for mom, dad, all
their uncles and aunts, and all their nieces and nephews.

As the guests walked into the dining room, they each started to giggle.
When Mom came into the room, she nearly died of embarrassment.

Because each place setting had a "special occasion" napkin at each plate,
with the fork carefully arranged on top.

"Melissa!" Mom gasped. "Why did you put THOSE on the table?"

Melissa's response made the adults roar with laughter: "Well, you SAID they
were for special occasions -- and what's more special than this?"

 

[Bill Furniture]

The other day I was on my way home from work when the most
remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and
as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed
into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature
got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.

Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird
stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options,
turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do.
It actually worked.

On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing...
it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it
didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle,
but the car behind me was a police car.

Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I
was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw
what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on
deaf ears. He simply stated: I am going to have to write you up
for flipping me the bird