Jewish jokes

#81
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol. “Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said. The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” “He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled. The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?” The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?” The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!” The woman then gave the officer her license. “I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.” The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?” The old man replied, “He said he knows you!
 
#82
Rachel’s freshman year at Bryn Mawr found her rooming Ashley, with a upper class gentile girl who was curious about the Jewish holidays.

“So passover is when you light the candles?” She asked.

“No, that’s Hanukkah”

“And the holiday where you don’t eat bread?”

“That’s Passover”

“So what is Rosh Hashanna?” Ashley asked.

Rachel says, “Rosh Hashanna is the holiday that we blow the Shofar”

Ashley ponders for a moment and then says “Oh you Jews, always so good to the help!”
 
#83
Let’s see how many get this one.
It's bitterly cold outside the Shul. Inside Rabbi Bloom is getting fed-up with the constant coughing that's disturbing his sermon. So after the service ends, he goes over to old Hyman the Shammes and tells him that he needs his help to solve the problem. Rabbi Bloom tells Hyman to have a large bowl of cough drops ready in Shul for his next sermon and instructs him to give one cough drop to any Shul member who begins coughing.

So next Shabbes, during the Rabbi's sermon and following orders, every time a member coughs, Hyman walks over and hands out a cough drop.

Rabbi Bloom watches this out of the corner of his eye and notices that each time Hyman does this the member immediately gets up and walks out of the Shul.

At the end of the service, half the members are gone, so Rabbi Bloom goes over to Hyman and asks,
"Nu Hyman, so what did you say to the members that made them leave the Shul?"

Hyman replies," " So vat did I say? All that I said wuz, "The Rabbi said for cough."
 

billyS

Reign of Terror
#84
Let’s see how many get this one.
It's bitterly cold outside the Shul. Inside Rabbi Bloom is getting fed-up with the constant coughing that's disturbing his sermon. So after the service ends, he goes over to old Hyman the Shammes and tells him that he needs his help to solve the problem. Rabbi Bloom tells Hyman to have a large bowl of cough drops ready in Shul for his next sermon and instructs him to give one cough drop to any Shul member who begins coughing.

So next Shabbes, during the Rabbi's sermon and following orders, every time a member coughs, Hyman walks over and hands out a cough drop.

Rabbi Bloom watches this out of the corner of his eye and notices that each time Hyman does this the member immediately gets up and walks out of the Shul.

At the end of the service, half the members are gone, so Rabbi Bloom goes over to Hyman and asks,
"Nu Hyman, so what did you say to the members that made them leave the Shul?"

Hyman replies," " So vat did I say? All that I said wuz, "The Rabbi said for cough."
Nope not a clue
 
#86
There were 4 men standing on a corner, a Russian, an Iraqi, an American, and an Israeli. A graduate student approached them and said,
"Excuse me, I am taking a public opinion poll on the recent meat shortage"

The Russian asked,"What's public opinion?

The Iraqi asked, "what's meat?"

The American asked "What's a shortage?"

And the Israel asked ,"Whats excuse me?"
 

pokler

Power Bottom
#87
There were 4 men standing on a corner, a Russian, an Iraqi, an American, and an Israeli. A graduate student approached them and said,
"Excuse me, I am taking a public opinion poll on the recent meat shortage"

The Russian asked,"What's public opinion?

The Iraqi asked, "what's meat?"

The American asked "What's a shortage?"

And the Israel asked ,"Whats excuse me?"
Someone explain please .
 
#90
Miriam’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parents’ nasty divorce.
Her mother ,Bessie had found the perfect dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Miriam was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother.
Miriam asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. “Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.
Miriam told her mother who graciously said, “Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Miriam asked her mother, “Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”

Her mother just smiled and replied, “Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”
 
#91
Elderly Lady Golfer

An elderly woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week? ”No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot. Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.”He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The elderly woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”

She’s there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.They congratulate her and invite her back next week. She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.”

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even-par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They’re totally amazed. They can’t figure her out.She’s a very pleasant and gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.

They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her,“How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

The old lady blushes and grins.“When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth.”

“When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, “What if it’s pointing straight up?

”She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”
 
#92
At a retirement home in Florida about 2 dozen men were playing cards at several tables. 85 year old Sadie
walks in and holds up her closed hand and yells out, "First guy to guess what's in my hand gets to have sex with me tonight!"

Out from the back of the room someone says, "Is it an Elephant?"

"Close enough", replies Sadie.
 
#96
Lawyer Pinchus Graftstein and the pope both die on the same day. After they appear at the Pearly Gates and their records examined, St. Peter shows each the accommodation he will occupy until the day of reckoning. While Graftstein waits, St. Peter opens the door to the pope's lodgings - sparse, with a single bed, set of drawers, small mirror, only a rude cross on the wall, and a utility bathroom.
Then Peter leads Graftstein to a sumptuous suite, with King bed, pictures by the great masters on the walls, state-of-the-art sound system, 85-inch smart flat-screen TV, bar and liquor cabinet with upscale labels, large jacuzzi, gilded sinks, ensuite stand-up clothes closet, you name it.
'I love it!' says Grafestein. But tell me something: he's the pope, and gets the simplest room possible. I'm nothing more than a lawyer, and here I am with this incredible suite'.
'Easy', replies Peter. 'We've had all kinds of popes here for the past 1500-1800 years or so. 'You're the first lawyer'.
 
#97
Becky goes to the doctor for her annual physical. When she comes home Abe says how was your visit? Becky says the doctor was very pleased with me he said I was in wonderful shape. My breasts are like a 30 year old my waist is like a 40 year old. My hips are like a 50 year old. Abe says “what did he say about your 70 year old ass? Oh... we didn’t talk about you at all.
 
#98
One hot summer’s day in Boca Raton, Kalman Groisseresser steps out of his shower and says to his wife, Hette, “It’s just too hot to wear any clothes today, honey.
What do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn without anything on?”
Hette replies, “That I married you for your money.”
 
#99
The diagnosis . . .

Kitty has just turned 40 and is very worried about her health. So she decides to see her gynecologist, Dr Myers. When she enters his office, he says to her, "And what brings you here today to see me, Kitty?"
Kitty just blushes and is unable to say anything.
"Why are you so embarrassed, Kitty?" asks Dr Myers. "You’ve been seeing me for years and you’ve always been able to discuss your problems with me."
"I know," replies Kitty, "but this problem is a little bit different, doctor."
"Maybe," says Dr Myers, "but why don’t you let me be the judge of that?"
"Well, OK," says Kitty, "it’s like this. When I went to the toilet yesterday morning, as soon as I sat down I heard a plink plink noise. I looked down and there in the water were some 5 cent coins. I immediately got up and left. When I went to the toilet again some hours later, I again heard a plink plink noise and when I looked down, there were some 10 cent coins in the water. And then, this morning, the same thing, only this time there were some 25 cent coins in the water. Oh doctor, what’s happening to me? Have I got a serious illness? I’m so worried."
Dr Myers smiles at her and says, "Dear Kitty, you’re not dying, take my word for it. There’s nothing the matter with you. You're simply going through the change."
 
Morris drove his brand-new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear-view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Tonight is Shabbos and if you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
 
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