Jewish jokes

#61
Yeah, I got that from the reference to 72 new threads.
The thing with the current environment is 10 years from now when you are running for office or applying for a job, one of your competitors will bring up that you made a joke about another group; it would be ok if you make a joke about the group you're in but not one that you're not in. Just sayin.:rolleyes:
Running for office? After 32 years of being a monger? The fuck I will! Omg I can’t even imagine what that dossier would read like!! Some days I chuckle that I’ve passed as many background checks as I have!!
 
#63
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT JEWISH?

A woman on a train walked up to a man across the table. “Excuse me,” she said, “but are you Jewish?”
“No,” replied the man.

A few minutes later the woman returned. “Excuse me,” she said again, “are you sure you’re not Jewish?”
“I’m sure,” said the man.

But the woman was not convinced, and a few minutes later she approached him a third time.

“Are you absolutely sure you’re not Jewish?” she asked.

“All right, all right,” the man said. “You win. I’m Jewish.”

“That’s funny,” said the woman.” You don’t look Jewish.”
 

pokler

Power Bottom
#64
A catholic priest and a rabbi were long time friends, and during one of their dinners, after a little wine, they get a little animated discussing the rules fo their religions. the priest asks the rabbi “tell me Dov, in all your years, did you ever try a piece of bacon? Don’t you miss it?” The rabbi says “in my youth, I did transgress” the priest replies “it was pretty good, right?” Later in the dinner the rabbi says to his friend “Charles, did you ever tempt yourself with the pleasures of the flesh?” And the priest replies that before he took his collar, he had sex. The rabbi says “better than bacon, right?”
Waiting for the punch line on both of your jokes .
 
#68
An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a
source of water. It got so bad that even his camel died of thirst.

He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking
out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle.

It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he
unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie.

BUT this was no ordinary Genie. This genie appeared to be a Hasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.

'Vell kid,' said the genie, 'you know how it voiks. You got tree vishes.'

'I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. 'I'm not going to trust a
Jewish genie!'

'Vott you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a goner anyvay!'

The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. 'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.'

* * * * * * * P O O F! * * * * * * * * *


The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever
seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?'

'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

* * * * * * * P O O F !!* * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare old coins and precious gems.

'Okay kido, you've got just vone more vish. Best you should make it
a good vone!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!'

* * * * * * * P O O F!!! * * * * * * * * *

He was turned into a tampon.


THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's
alvay's going to be a string attached.
 
#71
This one could be more appreciated when spoken by a Jew with a heavy accent...

The Orthodox Rabbi says to his friend Moishe..

“Moishe, I cannot “eat” my wife “

Why , ? Moishe replies

“Because she is a pig”
 
#72
How about this-
A rabbi walks into a bar and says ouch!
How about off topic, but same subject joke?
Why are there no Irish lawyers?
They can't pass a bar.

petzel - putz - schmeckle-schmuck- schmuckalovich does that sound like the right order?
also, shlong

A blonde get a job in the Tickle Me Elmo factory.
Her boss walks in on the first day and watches her roll up small pieces of tissue paper and tie them together. Then she pins it between Elmo's legs.
He asks what are you doing?
She says instructions say, give each one two test tickles.

At a Jewish funeral, an elderly Jewish mother come in and yells "Give him chicken soup!"
The director says, "Lady, it won't help" and she answers "Well, it can't hurt"
 

billyS

Reign of Terror
#74
2 businessmen were walking down the street and greeted each other as they met. “Hello friend, how is business?” One says. “Just fine, pal, can’t complain” says the other.
Three Jewish elephants are sitting in a bathtub

They are naked

The elephant in the front asks the elephant in the back to pass him the soap.

The elephant in the middle says " no soap, water".
 
#77
Moishe and Schlomo are being lead off to a firing squad.

Moishe: Schlomo, you think these Germans will give us blindfolds?

Schlomo: Shut up, don't make trouble.
 
#78
Outside the shetl there was a bridge leading to the main road that all travelers had to cross. Under the bridge lived a foul tempered troll, and whenever one of the Jews would cross, the troll would storm out and give each one a swift kick in the ass. Whenever local gentiles passed over the bridge however, the troll just scowled. Finally the townspeople asked the rabbi to find out what was making the troll do what he did. The rabbi went up to the troll and said “ oh powerful troll, why is it that you commit these acts of violence on my people and not the gentiles who cross your bridge.

The troll replied “Silly Rabbi, kicks are for yids”
 
#80
Amp-Man heard this yesterday on a train.
(Now remember, to get the full effect, you have to do the characters voices with heavy Yatish accents)

Mouli and Schmouli are sitting in the park.

Schmouli said: "Uh..I'm so old"
Mouli says: "You're not that old"
Schmouli says: "Yes I am...AND How do you know?"
Mouli says: "I bet I can guess your age"
Schmouli says: "Go ahead, smartie, guess my age"

Mouli says: "Ok..Stand up and drop your pants"
Schmouli says: "What? No! we're in the park"
Mouli says: "just do it, I'll guess your age".
So Schmouli looks around and drops his pants.

Mouli says: " Now, drop your shorts"
Schmouli says: "Are you crazy, there's young mothers with children over there.."
Mouli says: "Don't worry..just do it"
Schmouli reluctantly complies.

Mouli says: "Now bend over, stick your thumb in your ass and weee like a pig"
Schmouli says: "No way, you're sick"
Mouli says: "We're almost there, if you want me to tell you how old you are"
Schmouli bends over, stick his thumb up his ass and goes: "weee".

Mouli says: "You're 90 years old"

Schmouli is amazed and as he picks up his pants says:
"That is Amazing! How the hell did you know my age?"

Mouli says: "You told me yesterday".
 
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