Jewish jokes

[Thomasspa]

Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says,“Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about it?"
Moshe burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"
"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

“I buy a drink; drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"​

 

[LorenzoDeMedici]

So more than just a jewish joke here:

3 Men die at the same time, go to the pearly gates and are greeted by St. Peter... An Irisman, a Jew & Greek. They are begging for mercy and to go back to live their lives. St. Peter says' there is only one way. Each of you may return but there is a cost.
To the Irishman he say's you may not even have the slightest taste of alcohol across your lips
To the Jew he say's you may not show the slightest desire for money
To the Greek he say's you may not have sex of any kind
If any of you break this vow, Not only will you instantly perish. But you will NOT return here but rather go straight to hell.
In an instant they find themselves walking the streets of NYC and are overjoyed! Then as they are passing by O'Malleys pub. The Irishman is feeeling tempted. The other 2 are teasing him. Finally it's too much. He runs in, orders a whiskey and the moment it touches his lips In a Puff of Smoke he vanishes!
The remaining 2 continue walking disheartened that they've lost there friend. Then suddenly there on the sidewalk is the shiniest of Quarters. The Jew is just staring at it for a few seconds. But then he is overcome. Just as he Bends Over to pick it up.....
And in a Puff of Smoke They BOTH vanish!

 

[Elenor6]

Two Jews are walking through a neighborhood one evening when they notice they are being followed by a pair of hoodlums.
“David,” say his friend, “we better get out of here. There are two of them, and we’re alone!”

 

[po10ial]

What's the difference between a jew and canoe.

Only 1 tips

 

[artie211]

Pres. George Bush (Sr.) was having a briefing from his national security advisor that included significant intelligence from Israel. It included information that the US had been trying to obtain for months with its own field sources and hadn't. Bush, exclaimed, "How are the Israelis doing this? Their intelligence gathering is a quantum leap above ours" The meeting ended and Bush pondered the matter. During his time as Director of the CIA he had seen how effective the Israeli intelligence services were but what he saw today was beyond that. He thought to himself, "I have to discover what it is about the Jewish culture that makes them so good at what they do." And he hatches a secret plan.
He calls one of his closest friends and trusted associate at the CIA and tells him to get to the White House right away. When he arrives, Bush tells him he needs a disguise as an old Jewish man and to come back Saturday morning. "Top Secret".

On Saturday his friend transforms him into an old with a suit one size too big, worn shoes and face makeover. Bush sneaks out of the White House in a 10 year old car and drives to a local synagogue. He walks in and takes a sea in one of the backs rows next to an old man and as he is sitting down nods at the man who smiles and nods back.

About a minute later while looking straight ahead Bush says quietly "So. What do you know?"

The old man replies, "I hear Bush is coming today"

 

[billyS]

A priest and a rabbi are at a picnic. An eight year old boy walks by and bends over in front of them to get a coke out of a cooler.

The priest says " damn I'd like to screw him" The rabbi yells "screw him out of what?"