Jewish jokes

genius

genius

#1
#1
Although I am not Jewish many of my friends are and the jokes are sex jokes that actually can be told in polite mixed company and can be really funny.

to wit:

Sarah is visiting her friend Eileen, both middle aged married Jewish women.

Sarah says " My husband last night brought me a beautiful bunch of flowers for no reason."

Eileen says "Oh that's trouble"

Sarah says " Oh, what do you mean?"

Eileen says " Oh you know - when that happens it means you have to lie down and spread your legs"

Sarah says " Well don't you have a vase?"
 
backseat

backseat

#4
#4
So Abe is retired, and always wanted a pair of alligator shoes. So on the ways home from the club, he buys the shoes. When he get home, he posed with his arms out, and asked, so what do you think? She looked him up and down, and said, "same old thing"
So Abe goes into the bedroom and takes off all his clothes except the shoes. Goes back out and says ta-da, with arms out, and asks "what do you think." She looks him up and down, and say "same old thing"
He says, " yea, but look at what the same old thing is pointing at! She says " you should have bought a hat"
 
genius

genius

#5
#5
Two old men are sitting on a bench in their fancy retirement community in Florida.

Sol asks Ben "What did you do before you retired?" Ben answers, "I started with a men's clothing shop and built the business into the finest department store in town. One day there was a fire and it destroyed everything. Since I was too old to begin again, I took the insurance money and retired - and here I am."

Then Ben asks Sol "So, what did you do before you were here?"

Sol replies, "I had a hardware store downtown. It was the finest hardware store in the city. One Friday evening after closing time it started raining. The rain continued for the entire weekend, and the store flooded. On Monday morning I came in to discover that my entire inventory had been ruined. Like you, I was too old to start again, so I took the insurance money and retired down here to Florida."

Ben, looking impressed, asks Sol "So tell me, how do you start a flood?"
 
genius

genius

#11
#11
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!”
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need...Go In Peace!

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!”
 
genius

genius

#13
#13
Banacek said:
Jeff Dunham should add that joke to his act.

Also, read this story about that joke and how it was actually sent to a jailed terror suspect:
http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/don-joke-terrorism-article-1.1240617
Click to expand...
I like the Jewish version better although the British version makes more sense (I guess).

I had several ex-business partners (amicable ex's - we sold the company and all retired and I was the only goyim ). We share Jewish jokes via email. I always carried around my copy of Rosten's Joy of Yiddish so I would know what the hell they were talking about during board of directors meetings.
 
Banacek

Banacek

#14
#14
LOL. I didn't even read the article I posted well enough to see the Brit substitution.
You're right that the Jewish version is better. And I've been told by reliable sources that Bernie Sanders will be telling this version at the DNC in order to get back to his Jewish roots and show that the Dems are not soft on the Taliban.
 
ptalover

ptalover

#15
#15
genius said:
I like the Jewish version better although the British version makes more sense (I guess).

I had several ex-business partners (amicable ex's - we sold the company and all retired and I was the only goyim ). We share Jewish jokes via email. I always carried around my copy of Rosten's Joy of Yiddish so I would know what the hell they were talking about during board of directors meetings.
Click to expand...
Goyim is plural you are a GOY Schmuck-
Did you ever hear Buddy Hackett conjugate Schmuck---it was something like petzel putz - schmuck- schmuckalovich there was more but I cant remember.
 
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