A change of pace and a new outlook (was: Being a single guy with a child...)

Gavvy Cravath

Gavvy Cravath

Moderator Emeritus
#1
#1
I am sure some of you guys out there kind of ran into this. I have a four and a half year old daughter that I see for dinner during the week and all day on Saturday. This hasn't affected my dating life so far. It's a long story, the mother of my kid never told me she existed until she was 13 months old.

Well, I met a girl that is 25, professional. If any of you have read my stories, she's a lot different than any of the chicks I have dated over the last 5 years. A lot different.

I haven't danced around the issue with her at all. It hasn't come up at all. But, I have to come out and tell her before anything takes off. And by the way things are going, this just might take off. Listen, life happens. I won't deny my daughter. I just don't know what her reaction is going to be.

Would coming out and saying:

I don't know if this came up, but I have a 5 year old daughter. She lives in the Bronx with her mother and I see her on Saturdays. I just want to assure you that there is no drama with the mother; she is happy in a relationship with my daughter's step-father. But I do see my kid every week and I do pay child support.

It really is confusing. We kind of have our "first date" tonight. So I figure that this should come up. I just don't know how to go about it.

Honestly, I would completely understand if this girl walked away from our burgeoning relationship. No matter how pretty and sane a picture I paint, that would probably hit someone pretty hard.

Be well and looking for some pointers here,
Gavy
 
J

JIMYDR

#3
#3
gavycrav said:
I am sure some of you guys out there kind of ran into this. I have a four and a half year old daughter that I see for dinner during the week and all day on Saturday. This hasn't affected my dating life so far. It's a long story, the mother of my kid never told me she existed until she was 13 months old.

Well, I met a girl that is 25, professional. If any of you have read my stories, she's a lot different than any of the chicks I have dated over the last 5 years. A lot different.

I haven't danced around the issue with her at all. It hasn't come up at all. But, I have to come out and tell her before anything takes off. And by the way things are going, this just might take off. Listen, life happens. I won't deny my daughter. I just don't know what her reaction is going to be.

Would coming out and saying:

I don't know if this came up, but I have a 5 year old daughter. She lives in the Bronx with her mother and I see her on Saturdays. I just want to assure you that there is no drama with the mother; she is happy in a relationship with my daughter's step-father. But I do see my kid every week and I do pay child support.

It really is confusing. We kind of have our "first date" tonight. So I figure that this should come up. I just don't know how to go about it.

Honestly, I would completely understand if this girl walked away from our burgeoning relationship. No matter how pretty and sane a picture I paint, that would probably hit someone pretty hard.

Be well and looking for some pointers here,
Gavy
Click to expand...
You need to tell her that you have a daughter and your daughter is number one before all others and take it from there.
 
M

magicfingersny

#4
#4
Why don't you see how the date goes and play it by ear. For all you know she might have some equally interesting revelations to make to you!

Or you can kind of sidestep it into the conversation about how you know people who have met & really hit it off, but one or both have kids and for some it works great and there is no problem and for others it causes friction.

Your daughter is your daughter , and she will always be. She is your flesh and blood and you are right to always put her first.

You say your ex has a new man & there is no friction there , so there should be none of the baby mama drama that many girls fear, and since your chjilds mother already is with someone else, that should make the new girl more secure that you are not going to go running back to the ex
IMHO, you are a smart and caring guy, just show your cards as you need to instead of exposing your whole hand.

Speaking from personal experience I have revealed way too much about myself at once, instead of letting things unfold. Good luck and have a great evening.
Listen to your Gavy gut. From what I have read it has served you quite well in the past!
Magic
 
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J

JIMYDR

#5
#5
My ex has two kids. I made her know that her kids came first and I would never question her for that. The bad news is I set the bar so high, she can't find another guy that shares those thoughts.
 
L

Left_the_scene

#6
#6
No easy answers for this one. I'd be upfront as soon as possible, but keep in mind that even if she is initially OK with it, that may or may not be subject to change.

I myself am a single dad, and I actually have primary physical custody of my 2 girls. (joint legal custody with the ex, but they live with me)

Try finding a woman who will accept a man who has two small girls living with him!

I recently got dumped from a LTR where the woman had initially said she was OK with my kids, and with their coming first. I actually relocated 350 miles away to move in with her. (I had known this woman for 20+ years - this was not some chick I met over the internet or anything like that) About 6 mo's into things, all of a sudden she is NOT ok with my kids.

Actually, she seemed to have more of a problem with a father having custody, than with my kids themselves...she had a daughter who lived with her ex, and seemed to have some not so buried resentments about that. She kept reiterating it was in a child's best interest to be with the mother -- as if there were not some very good reasons my kids were with me and not with their mother...

Pretty much gave me an ultimatum to give up the kids, but she then backed down when I would not back down. Things dragged on miserably for a few more months, and then it ended. She made other excuses as to why she thought it wasn't working, but I know the real reason....
 
R

RuffToy

#7
#7
gavycrav said:
...Would coming out and saying:

I don't know if this came up, but I have a 5 year old daughter. She lives in the Bronx with her mother and I see her on Saturdays. I just want to assure you that there is no drama with the mother; she is happy in a relationship with my daughter's step-father. But I do see my kid every week and I do pay child support....
Click to expand...
Too much info. As your date progresses through the evening, I'm sure the topic of personal stuff comes up. Be upfront about your daughter. It's OK to mention she does not live with you. But I don't think there's any need to discuss the other stuff, at least right now. If she asks questions, by all means, be honest. But let her ask, don't go blabbering.

Best of luck, enjoy!
 
F

fuckingahole

#8
#8
I wouldnt tell her before your date or as your driving to dinner... let conversation flow.. but over dinner or whatever you guys end up doing and I am assuming on your first date at some point you guys will be sharing a drink together, I would bring it up if the date is going well and things are flowing I would say hey, just want to get things in the open, I do have a daughter, there are no connections to the mother except our daughter, she has since married and is happy.. I do get to see my kid and pay child support and do all the right things I should as a father, but I just want to get things out in the open.

A kid is a deal breaker for many so dont wait until youve been hanging with her for weeks and things are heating up to tell her.. besides, if you wait to tell, she would be right in calling you a dick and walking away for that. Honesty is best policy.

Good luck my friend.. do we get live updates while your on the date? LOL
 
billyS

billyS

Reign of Terror
#9
#9
gavy,
Why not bring up your daughter in casual conversation so it doesn't come off as a confession or something you 'just want to get out of the way'.

Bring up something your daughter did and then the question will come from her 'Oh, you have a daughter?' Then that will open the door for you to tell the story and the facts you mentioned. Then you can gauge if it needs anymore discussion.

How she reacts to the fact you have a daughter will tell you a lot about her and where this relationship might go.
 
D

desilove

#10
#10
Im a single mom gavy and for the most part it shouldnt be that big of a deal....Women do not view it in the same way some men do....truth be told it might make her like you more, just tell her and then answer any questions she may have...maybe have a pic handy to show her, trust me no woman can resist a cute little munchkin...many people said id have a hard time because I have two kids and I have to tell you it has not had any affect on my dating life, nor to date has any man gone running for the hills because of it....i wouldnt stress over it or prepare a speech just say I thought i should tell you i have a daughter and go from there....xox
 
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F

franca

<color=pink>Silver</color>
#11
#11
billyS said:
gavy,
Why not bring up your daughter in casual conversation so it doesn't come off as a confession or something you 'just want to get out of the way'.

Bring up something your daughter did and then the question will come from her 'Oh, you have a daughter?' Then that will open the door for you to tell the story and the facts you mentioned. Then you can gauge if it needs anymore discussion.

How she reacts to the fact you have a daughter will tell you a lot about her and where this relationship might go.
Click to expand...
I totally agree with everything Billy said.
 
C

canthelpit

#12
#12
just like billy said, just talk about something that you did together, it'll lead to a nice conversation, and open doors that may not have opened otherwise. You have to let her know immediately or else you are wasting your time.
 
M

marcinny

#14
#14
Ah, too late for a suggestion from me, but it would be a combination of what FAH, MagicF and BillyS.

You don't know yet how all this will go. It's just the first date, so try to get a feeling of the situation. If all warms up and the conversation flow and details from each other life are thrown in then do what BillyS perfectly said, bring it up casually not as a confession.

Great point also from Left_the_scene, she may not have a problem with it now, but may develop it later if you too get closer.

I am emphasizing this because it is a two-way implication. If she does not receive it that well, it doesn't necessarily means what it seems to mean. Some people need some time to accommodate themselves to unpredicted situations.

I know it is too late for all this, but I dropped it anyway.
 
M

magicfingersny

#15
#15
I didn't think to add this before but surprises can come from both sides. It might turn out that she ends up telling Gavy that she has a kid, or some extended family that she is close to or is dependent on her. No matter what the sooner the air is cleared the better,as the longer it takes to come out, the more suspicious it will seem to the other person. I had been dating a girl divorced with kids hubby paying child support,. Well hubby got sick and passed. No more child support, no more joint custody.No more dad for the kids!
Everything changed in the blink of an eye!
 
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wolf5958

wolf5958

lil Fuzzybear
#16
#16
Gavy my brother...You and I have very different situations, since my kids live with me. I have never hidden the fact that i have children, whether playing with a dancer or a working from a dating site.
In my opinion you should not hide the fact you are a father and have a relationship with your daughter. If this young lady has feelings for you this will not matter and may even help paint you in a better light.

The only time this would really matter is if you plan on getting married tonight.. just kidding, but I know that no woman could come into my life and not except my children as part of the deal. Granted at this point and time I have not interduced them to anyone I have dated but my dates are aware of them and my children are aware to a point of my dates.

If we are one demesional people than none of this would matter. The more demsion the more there is to you. Our past and our present, and our future are all part of this and who we are and who we plan to be.

So Gavy in short don't hide the facts but allow the flow of information to be as natural as possible. If you and her become more than just a passing fancy than at one point you may want to have meeting but not until you are sure that this person will be in your life.

Children like stablity so don't give your daughter a new friend only to lose her. Anyway my 2 cents here. I may be to late for your date tonight but I hope things with this young lady work out for you and that you will be able to use the advice and comments in this thread to your advantage.
 
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EddyBearNY

EddyBearNY

#17
#17
gavycrav said:
I am sure some of you guys out there kind of ran into this. I have a four and a half year old daughter that I see for dinner during the week and all day on Saturday. This hasn't affected my dating life so far. It's a long story, the mother of my kid never told me she existed until she was 13 months old.

Well, I met a girl that is 25, professional. If any of you have read my stories, she's a lot different than any of the chicks I have dated over the last 5 years. A lot different.

I haven't danced around the issue with her at all. It hasn't come up at all. But, I have to come out and tell her before anything takes off. And by the way things are going, this just might take off. Listen, life happens. I won't deny my daughter. I just don't know what her reaction is going to be.

Would coming out and saying:

I don't know if this came up, but I have a 5 year old daughter. She lives in the Bronx with her mother and I see her on Saturdays. I just want to assure you that there is no drama with the mother; she is happy in a relationship with my daughter's step-father. But I do see my kid every week and I do pay child support.

It really is confusing. We kind of have our "first date" tonight. So I figure that this should come up. I just don't know how to go about it.

Honestly, I would completely understand if this girl walked away from our burgeoning relationship. No matter how pretty and sane a picture I paint, that would probably hit someone pretty hard.

Be well and looking for some pointers here,
Gavy
Click to expand...
Gavy - Well brother you know my situation, and most not Latina women will have nothing to do with me... Nothing to do with me if I tell them

Don't mention it, if she digs you she may get a little angry if she finds out later, but you can dance around the issue - "You never asked" "That is private, wanted to wait and see if I liked you before I shared my private life"

You get the drift. I wish you the best of luck, and look forword to your full report.
 
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S

Scott68

#19
#19
Everyone is different.

Don't judge yourself, don't let someone judge you. Have fun, you are who you are. If you're over 35, the topic of ex's may come up and just say what you have to say, better to find out if she has hangups in the beginning. Enjoy either way.
 
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