On the subject of condiments...
- Thread starter Thorn
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but see, a year from now, i'm not going to remember your lecture points, or my snazzy responses, or any specific didactic stuff - however smart - from this thread. what i AM going to remember is wolfie's story.
people's stories make ears perk and minds open. they spark interest and compassion and thought and discussion. i mean, it is entertaining to watch people debate ways to apply logic to illogical situations, but that is not the stuff that lives on in me afterwards.
for me, hearing something like "this is what happened to me and this is how i lived it and this is what i think now" is much more powerful than hearing "after observing 25,000 other people, i think you should/n't do this."
just condiment for thought.
people's stories make ears perk and minds open. they spark interest and compassion and thought and discussion. i mean, it is entertaining to watch people debate ways to apply logic to illogical situations, but that is not the stuff that lives on in me afterwards.
for me, hearing something like "this is what happened to me and this is how i lived it and this is what i think now" is much more powerful than hearing "after observing 25,000 other people, i think you should/n't do this."
just condiment for thought.
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But in cases like these we aren't talking about someone living their own lie. They are living someone else's lie, blissfully unaware because they have no reason to question the falseness of it.
Then someone, a third party, decides for them that they should be made aware of the falsehood. Removing from the party in question any decision in the process. They don't even stick around for the aftermath.
Total hit and run.
Then someone, a third party, decides for them that they should be made aware of the falsehood. Removing from the party in question any decision in the process. They don't even stick around for the aftermath.
Total hit and run.
maybe you are blissful when living in someone else's lie, but that is not a sentiment shared by all.
i used the same argument when trying to dissuade shithead from contacting my sister. i said she did not want to know the truth. well, i was completely wrong.
and i certainly wanted to know the truth about my husband.
so, while i understand the instinct of self-preservation, it is still a little cuckoo for a person to defend the right of choice while robbing their SO of the same.
i used the same argument when trying to dissuade shithead from contacting my sister. i said she did not want to know the truth. well, i was completely wrong.
and i certainly wanted to know the truth about my husband.
so, while i understand the instinct of self-preservation, it is still a little cuckoo for a person to defend the right of choice while robbing their SO of the same.
Not to answer for Thorn, and I'm sure he will for himself, but I interpreted his response to mean that while the third party is unaware of the imposed lie, they are in blissful ignorance. After they know there is no longer ignorance, just a question of the degree of knowledge. At that point they can choose if they want to know more or all, but prior to suspicion there is no cause for them to have any concern associated with the unexposed lie.
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thanks - i did understand thorn's intent!
i'm guessing that relationships in which no suspicion exists are the exception more than the rule. (who here has one?) and a relationship in which a person is actually creating some idyllic state with their concealed infidelity (as implied by thorn) must be even more rare.
in my case, i knew my husband was lying about at least one of several things before i saw the evidence. and my sister certainly knew of a huge gap in my life she was not privy to.
on the other side of that, my husband was always suspicious that i was cheating on him. in reality, i never so much as held another man's hand from the day i met him until six months after our divorce. suspicion, insecurity, and fear of loss are just part of human nature, don't you think? why would they vanish when the suspicion is warranted?
i'm guessing that relationships in which no suspicion exists are the exception more than the rule. (who here has one?) and a relationship in which a person is actually creating some idyllic state with their concealed infidelity (as implied by thorn) must be even more rare.
in my case, i knew my husband was lying about at least one of several things before i saw the evidence. and my sister certainly knew of a huge gap in my life she was not privy to.
on the other side of that, my husband was always suspicious that i was cheating on him. in reality, i never so much as held another man's hand from the day i met him until six months after our divorce. suspicion, insecurity, and fear of loss are just part of human nature, don't you think? why would they vanish when the suspicion is warranted?
Ok so maybe I am an idiot, or stupid and blind. I never saw it coming. I never had a reason to be suspicious. Things went as they always did. Our sex life hadn't changed, the greetings when i came home were the same. The fact that she sent me out didn't rasie a flag either , I did all the fianaces in the house and knew we could always use the extra cash from the jobs she sent me out on. We had 4 kids at home and I still don't know how she pulled some of it off. When we were on the road together before the kids, the gossip mongers always told her I was flirting with that one or this one, funny her responce was yeah but he will be in my bed tonight. She had them fooled because on a Carival midway there are no secerts yet she managed to hide those affairs as well. The spotlight was always on me so I guess like a good magician she used me to divert the attention from herself.
On the question of would I had like to know before hand, well if there was no suspicion on my part than what was there to know or to even think about. At times I guess she got suspicious of me, but they were always unfounded. I guess maybe I should have had a little more fun when I had the chance.....nah that ain't me.
On the question of would I had like to know before hand, well if there was no suspicion on my part than what was there to know or to even think about. At times I guess she got suspicious of me, but they were always unfounded. I guess maybe I should have had a little more fun when I had the chance.....nah that ain't me.
I certainly can't disagree with either of those comments. I do think there may be more innocence out there than you think, but still the fully trusting relationships (justified or not) are probably in the minority. I have almost no cause to suspect my wife, although there was one occasion that made me think. I, on the other hand, have given my wife many of reasons to suspect me, yet she chooses to believe in the near perfect image of me more than I deserve.
In your situation it sounds like there were a lot of reasons for you to be unsuspecting. Without knowing too much about your life and schedule, just the presence of 4 kids makes it a very difficult prospect to maintain affairs. Since it wasn't P4P the finances wouldn't be a factor (which they are for me), but just the timing and logistics seem very complicated. Don't knock yourself too hard.
I disagree with this.
And SA, please forgive me for saying this, but I'm going to guess (and you can correct me if I'm wrong) that you have only limited experience with relationships in the totally "straight" world.
In any event (and again I don't mean to sound harsh, but the facts are the facts), if your husband knew you had been a sex worker, then obviously that's going to create a level of suspicion, at least on his part, that might not exist in other relationships.
And SA, please forgive me for saying this, but I'm going to guess (and you can correct me if I'm wrong) that you have only limited experience with relationships in the totally "straight" world.
In any event (and again I don't mean to sound harsh, but the facts are the facts), if your husband knew you had been a sex worker, then obviously that's going to create a level of suspicion, at least on his part, that might not exist in other relationships.
i disagree with this.
our relationship began at at time when we were both 'starting over' and he never demonstrated concern about me cheating in that context. it was not the issue it might be in some other relationships.
regarding my inexperience with relationships in the straight world - heck, i am inexperienced period. i have had three significant relationships in my life, two of those in the straight world, and only one of those as an adult. (on the other hand, how many significant relationships can one have in a lifetime?) regardless, i hope i don't come off like i am speaking as an expert on anything!
regarding you, are you saying suspicion hasn't ever entered your own relationship?
our relationship began at at time when we were both 'starting over' and he never demonstrated concern about me cheating in that context. it was not the issue it might be in some other relationships.
regarding my inexperience with relationships in the straight world - heck, i am inexperienced period. i have had three significant relationships in my life, two of those in the straight world, and only one of those as an adult. (on the other hand, how many significant relationships can one have in a lifetime?) regardless, i hope i don't come off like i am speaking as an expert on anything!
regarding you, are you saying suspicion hasn't ever entered your own relationship?