I over analyse. I just wasn't on. She had a very bad sinus infection and still went out. That was a decent sign. The dughter issue came up. She mentioned she dated a guy with a child and it kind of came up. She was initially taken aback, but that wasn't the issue.
I was so nervous and uncomfortable that the flow wasn't there. So, from 11:00 PM to 2:00 AM we hung out. And there just wasn't this flow. And perhaps she was sick. But I started to go into the "think way too much" and "psyche myself out" modes.
And I dropped her off in front of her house around 2:00 and she kind of delayed. And she hemmed and hawed and we started kissing, but it wasn't terrible. And she finally went inside.
I hit the Whitestone Bridge around 2:20 AM and was tempted to go check in on Eddy at Amor or Lily (nee "forc") from one of the hardcore fichas. I was on the bridge and this is the interaction of txts that went on between the girl and I:
Girl: Im sry if ur dissapointed. I had a god time. Ty!
Me: I just want you to be tndm be happy. You can definitely kiss! (Writer note: this is an inside joke that we have) I am not disappointed. I think you are great.
Girl: I am happy. Goodnite --- Writer comment: not the response I was looking for
Oh, fuck, should I fucking write everything out? You guys fucking care and want to read into this fucking insane craziness in my head!?!? Yeah, the txts go on for two more exchanges. I sent her a "feeling better?" txt an hour ago and no response. Fuck me.
I tried, guys. I just am not there yet.
And it is fucking painful.
I am in a better place than where I was last year, however.
I have wasted a lot of years ignoring girls like her, thinking I wasn't good enough for girls like her. I get a girl like her to agree to go out with me and I fucking fall flat on my face. Hoisted by my own petard if you will. Let's not place any blame on my new friend. I was awkward, I was uncomfortable.
I am in a better place, but the Newsroom should be filled with self loathing posts for the next little while...
Gavy