WOW this vanilla dating is difficult! Questions!

[pawgluvr]

...
BUT then that brings me to another question. Since I am in my late thirties do I have to settle? Should we settle because we are no longer in our twenties and feel that the clock is ticking?

I don't see how this question can be addressed by anyone except yourself in any meaningful way. Of course if what you want is that important and, and can deal with the trade offs, then you should settle, but those are a lot of "ifs" ... it's a value call. Only you know where there is room for compromise and how much compromise you can deal with. What do you expect a mate to be? Some people (both men and women) leave their spouses for weeks on end, maybe taking vacations with volunteer organizations or going deep sea fishing. Others prefer never to leave their better half out of their sight. Nobody here can answer those questions.

I firmly believe if we all sought relationships that were completely fulfilling, and we only had children when we knew we could live up to our standards of parenting, then the human race would be extinct.

 

[out of control]

Kissing and foreplay are learned skills. My SO is not shy about telling me exactly what she wants and how she wants it and I am happy to do comply. Communication in bed is very important. Just tell him kiss me gently, then encourage him, yea like that. Tell him and show him how you like to be touched and played with. If you really like the guy it's worth a try.

 

[LISteve]

The older you get the more damaged the goods. My divorced friends in their forties say that you older broads are nuts!!! As yo get older all the good ones are taken and you are left with damaged goods or gay guys. The good ones are the widowers. Maybe you can troll the widower support groups?

All kidding aside. If you want kids then I guess you have to get serious but settling should not be the answer. That will lead to a divorce and a broken family. Perhaps you should not view looking to get married as "settling" but rather being more realistic about men. Men are very simple creatures. We have some disgusting qualities but are not tough to figure out.

 

[Gavvy Cravath]

Older guys are more stable and have the $$ to have a good time. I'm in my late 30s and am dating a 26 year old for the last year or so. 12 year age difference is perfect.

 

[frlix unger]

Perhaps I've missed it, but I've seen no mention of the gentleman's age. Contrary to what those on this board will claim, interest and performance generally decline with age.
Does anyone know the formula to convert dating site age into true age ? I suspect it might be similar to the formula used by escorts.

 

[Monk]

Train him. If he's a quick study, problem solved.

 

[LawManDan]

I sent you a short letter to your email.
NYTab

 

[superwoman01]

Perhaps I've missed it, but I've seen no mention of the gentleman's age. Contrary to what those on this board will claim, interest and performance generally decline with age.
Does anyone know the formula to convert dating site age into true age ? I suspect it might be similar to the formula used by escorts.

He is 42 years young and in great physical shape.

 

[superwoman01]

I sent you a short letter to your email.
NYTab

Got it babe--THANK YOU! xxoo

 

[superwoman01]

UPDATE (The Final Chapter)

OK here is an update. I officially fumbled the ball. In addition to not feeling any passion or having any bells and whistles go off. He now practically has us getting married and wanting to move closer to where I live.

I immediately took someone’s advice from the board and tried to distance myself a bit this week and not be as accessible as usual. Then yesterday after he shared with me that he wants to move closer and is talking about a future together. At that point, I could not keep my feelings to myself ( A BIG SIGH!!!!)

After some careful consideration I decided I don't want to be with him. He is moving too fast and in combination with my other feelings, it just does not feel right to me in my heart.

SO...I told him that we need to talk in a text (big mistake) and let's meet later. So then he text's me back "I am a big boy" text me what you have to say. I then said I would prefer to talk in person. He said please text me as I had a feeling that something was going on. Then I went back on UG and re-read everyone’s comments (for help) and texted him back that I think he is a great guy with a good hear but I don’t feel the same way that you do. I apologized and tried to be as nice as I could possibly be even though I know I sounded like a total B*atch! No matter what I tried to think of to say to him ---regardless it was ugly!

He was PISSED and had every right to be! He said “Well if you don’t feel the same then how come we slept together?” OMG—I was at a loss for words because I did not want to dissect the love making as it was not healthy for either one of us. In addition I was not going to tell him that he was a bad kisser and not good in bed. I would not want that told to me and I would never do that to someone. He kept pushing and pushing for answers. So I tried to explain to him that sometimes when two people meet they can tell that they are a perfect fit. I also explained to him that I was looking for a special love—a love that only a few have shared and I did not feel the heat and passion that I wanted to feel with him.

I apologized over and over. I told him that if the shoe were on the other foot that I would rather know this right away even if it pissed me off or hurt me, then to be with someone for months down the road and know that they did not feel like I did. So his response was that maybe I should give someone a better chance before I make that determination and GOOD LUCK WITH THAT! I was like WOW and really did not have nothing left to say at that point.

I feel like such a shit and bad that it went down like that. I should have handled it better.

 

[pawgluvr]

OK here is an update. I officially fumbled the ball. In addition to not feeling any passion or having any bells and whistles go off. He now practically has us getting married and wanting to move closer to where I live.

I immediately took someone’s advice from the board and tried to distance myself a bit this week and not be as accessible as usual. Then yesterday after he shared with me that he wants to move closer and is talking about a future together. At that point, I could not keep my feelings to myself ( A BIG SIGH!!!!)

After some careful consideration I decided I don't want to be with him. He is moving too fast and in combination with my other feelings, it just does not feel right to me in my heart.

SO...I told him that we need to talk in a text (big mistake) and let's meet later. So then he text's me back "I am a big boy" text me what you have to say. I then said I would prefer to talk in person. He said please text me as I had a feeling that something was going on. Then I went back on UG and re-read everyone’s comments (for help) and texted him back that I think he is a great guy with a good hear but I don’t feel the same way that you do. I apologized and tried to be as nice as I could possibly be even though I know I sounded like a total B*atch! No matter what I tried to think of to say to him ---regardless it was ugly!

He was PISSED and had every right to be! He said “Well if you don’t feel the same then how come we slept together?” OMG—I was at a loss for words because I did not want to dissect the love making as it was not healthy for either one of us. In addition I was not going to tell him that he was a bad kisser and not good in bed. I would not want that told to me and I would never do that to someone. He kept pushing and pushing for answers. So I tried to explain to him that sometimes when two people meet they can tell that they are a perfect fit. I also explained to him that I was looking for a special love—a love that only a few have shared and I did not feel the heat and passion that I wanted to feel with him.

I apologized over and over. I told him that if the shoe were on the other foot that I would rather know this right away even if it pissed me off or hurt me, then to be with someone for months down the road and know that they did not feel like I did. So his response was that maybe I should give someone a better chance before I make that determination and GOOD LUCK WITH THAT! I was like WOW and really did not have nothing left to say at that point.

I feel like such a shit and bad that it went down like that. I should have handled it better.

Don't feel like shit. So maybe you could have handled it better (or not), but you did right and tried to communicate with him. I won't get into the analysis of his world view, or for that matter your world view. You treated him like an adult and told him how you felt, and he acted was a cad by throwing accusations back at you... to no constructive purpose.

 

[Monk]

Here's my 2¢:

1. He's probably never seen a "professional" before, in the sense that his sexual experience is probably somewhat limited
2. You've been with many more men than he has with women
3. Your expectations, therefore, are much higher than his when it comes to the bedroom
4. While you experienced your encounter as a let down, he probably had the opposite experience. I'm sure you showed him a great time -- possibly better than he's ever experienced before
5. Which is why he sped things up

My guess is that, unless you find someone with tons of sexual experience that can if not match yours, at least rise up to the sophistication of yours, you'll be disappointed in bed unless you set your expectations a little lower. A more positive way of looking at it is to assume that any relationship you enter into will involve an "education and training" phase where you bring your lover up to your standards.

Think of it this way: you've just experienced typical civilian sex (or, possibly, even less than "typical"). This is why some of us end up in the hobby.

 

[RuffToy]

So I met this guy off of a popular dating site and yes it is one that is advertised on television. We went on about five dates...

OK here is an update. I officially fumbled the ball. In addition to not feeling any passion or having any bells and whistles go off. He now practically has us getting married and wanting to move closer to where I live....

Let's take the lousy sex off the table for a minute and explore this. Five dates and the guy is fast tracking the relationship. BIG RED FLAG. If a girl pulled this on a guy I think you know where that would go......DOUCHE CHILLS. Even if was love at first sight mutually, the mature thing to do is to slow things down and move forward at a pace where you both savor every moment of discovery.

I don't agree with Monk's assessment about civilian vs professional sexual experiences. People either have sexual prowess or they don't. Even if the guy hasn't had a sexual relationship with a lady in some time, one doesn't forget how to make love, how to kiss, how to caress, where to touch and when....etc etc.

He insisted that you text him..."I'm a big boy"...then he hears the truth and gets pissed.

Bottom line. Be glad you saw his true colors before you got in deeper.

 

[LawManDan]

I agree with Monk about the sexual prowess on one level, you have it or you don't, but if you don't it does not mean you can't learn. All people's experiences are different. Plus, it is totally possible that this guy is a bit immature, in more ways than sexually. Sexually, he is not in tune with is partner, otherwise he would have known what he was doing "to you" was not right, and in some way, uncomfortable, as you described it. To me, this is a sign of his own selfishness, which is a form of immaturity. Your pleasure should be most important, because a happy partner is a giving partner (ala Carl Marx). Also, his insistence on having a conversation via text, sounds like he "could not wait", and belies his own words that "he is a big boy" and can take it, when his anger belies that he can't take it, another sign of immaturity.

Finally, the last sign of immaturity, is that after this Text Discussion, if he really felt for you and wanted the relationship to work he should have told you that texting was in fact the wrong medium for such a discussion, apologize for his anger, and asked you to meet him to discuss this in person, so he could get a better understanding of what you were saying, and maybe learn something about himself.

To me, you are better off without this childishness, and should find yourself a real man.

Good luck.
Tab

 

[frlix unger]

Mo$t women would have $trung him along through Valentine’$ Day !

 

[pawgluvr]

No point in analyzing the guys maturity, as his mental state is immaterial. Superwoman was not happy with him, and she told him. Recriminations only breed ill will and they fix nothing. She did right to move on (and telling him directly). She did not enjoy his company and there is absolutely no need for her to justify her feelings in this matter.

 

[LawManDan]

Paw,
I respectfully disagree. SW was struggling with the "right thing" to do, so analyzing and helping her understand whatever dynamic might have been at play will not only (potentially) assuage her feelings of guilt (if any) but maybe help see this same situation thru, or w foresight in the future should it arise. Of course, we are all discussing how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, b/c none of us were there and really know either participant. I just hope all that has been said here, helps in some way. I like to think it does.
Respectfully,
Tab

 

[LISteve]

I agree with Monk about the sexual prowess on one level, you have it or you don't, but if you don't it does not mean you can't learn. All people's experiences are different. Plus, it is totally possible that this guy is a bit immature, in more ways than sexually. Sexually, he is not in tune with is partner, otherwise he would have known what he was doing "to you" was not right, and in some way, uncomfortable, as you described it. To me, this is a sign of his own selfishness, which is a form of immaturity. Your pleasure should be most important, because a happy partner is a giving partner (ala Carl Marx). Also, his insistence on having a conversation via text, sounds like he "could not wait", and belies his own words that "he is a big boy" and can take it, when his anger belies that he can't take it, another sign of immaturity.

Finally, the last sign of immaturity, is that after this Text Discussion, if he really felt for you and wanted the relationship to work he should have told you that texting was in fact the wrong medium for such a discussion, apologize for his anger, and asked you to meet him to discuss this in person, so he could get a better understanding of what you were saying, and maybe learn something about himself.

To me, you are better off without this childishness, and should find yourself a real man.

Good luck.
Tab

Tab ... I agree with all of teh above ... except I have always HATED when a woman has said to me in any form "We need to talk later." my response has always been to just tell me now in one sentence what the deal is. I hate the drama and teenage nonsense. Just spit it out and I don't care what it is. ... I'm dumping you ... I am preganant ... I am gay .... etc. Just spit it out. This guy was right to demand a response but then reacted like a baby. AND ... SW was wrong to say that to begin with.

 

[pawgluvr]

Paw,
I respectfully disagree. SW was struggling with the "right thing" to do, so analyzing and helping her understand whatever dynamic might have been at play will not only (potentially) assuage her feelings of guilt (if any) but maybe help see this same situation thru, or w foresight in the future should it arise. Of course, we are all discussing how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, b/c none of us were there and really know either participant. I just hope all that has been said here, helps in some way. I like to think it does.
Respectfully,
Tab

She did the right thing. There is no disagreement about that.

 

[Boywonder2]

OK here is an update. I officially fumbled the ball.
I feel like such a shit and bad that it went down like that. I should have handled it better.

Don't feel like a shit. You didn't fumble the ball. I am sure you used lots of tact and were as kind as you could be and the fact is no matter how nice you were or think you could have been nicer or more tactful....the bottom line is he was never going to take the (negative & lack of marriage type of news) in a good way. He is immature with the way he handled things to try and make you feel bad because he was hurt.
There is a saying that a true man that can make a woman feel bad, never would.
Always listen to your inner voice....you will know the right decisions to make and who you will be happy with.
My feelings in any relationship is if its meant to be....."it just is" and we know in our hearts its "right" if we have to second guess and ask all kinds of questions.....that in itself means that its not the right one.
Good luck to you...you deserve to be happy