WOW this vanilla dating is difficult! Questions!

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superwoman01

#1
#1
So I met this guy off of a popular dating site and yes it is one that is advertised on television. We went on about five dates. He has a great personality and a gorgeous smile. We seemed to click and shared many common interests. Then we decided to take it to another level and sleep together. Of course I blew his mind--not knowing that I am pretty well-seasoned lol! BUT I did not feel the magic or the sparks. No bells and whistles went off for me. So this leads me to a few questions from the UG guys and gals.

1. I feel that I should be honest and just tell him that the bedroom was not hot and steamy and I did not feel anything? It is better to be honest and not waste anyone's time? What do you think?

2. At my age (thirty- something still) should the sex not count as much since we click on other levels?

3. Am I expecting too much because I am well-seasoned and I want a healthy relationship both in and out of the bedroom? Maybe I have more expectations than the normal vanilla gal?

4. Should I contact Doctor Phil?
 
P

pawgluvr

#2
#2
Three rules:

1.) Do not over think this stuff. If you enjoy being with someone, keep seeing them.
2.) Always be honest. Diplomatic of course, but honest. Do not worry about someone else's feelings more than your own. That's their job.
3.) Know thyself, else rule #2 is useless.


The normal vanilla gal has a lot of expectations, so I doubt you exceed them.
 
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superwoman01

#3
#3
pawgluvr said:
Three rules:

1.) Do not over think this stuff. If you enjoy being with someone, keep seeing them.
2.) Always be honest. Diplomatic of course, but honest. Do not worry about someone else's feelings more than your own. That's their job.
3.) Know thyself, else rule #2 is useless.


The normal vanilla gal has a lot of expectations, so I doubt you exceed them.
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@ pawgluvr--I agree & I am not over thinking it but the sex was not hot at all. I want a healthy relationship both in and out of the bedroom and to me sex is a big part of it. I am still in my prime!
Yes I want a BFF that I don't have to filter my words with and I can say whatever is on my mind. I want him to be my confidant and a passionate lover. I wish I could just ask the question first-- are you are a passionate lover & a good kisser and please give me some references. LOL! This is a totally different animal for me.
Some people think they are good kissers and they are not at all. Just like they think they are great lovers and are not. It is hard to do this dating the traditional way. I have a girlfriend in my vanilla life that both Desi and I are friends with. She shared that when she did the whole dating site thing, she would make out with the guy and do a quick grab and feel just to make sure she got what she wanted. LOL! In the end she ended up marrying someone –actually last summer. I was not planning on her strategy because I want to do this the right way, what is a girl to do! LOL
 
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pawgluvr

#4
#4
Well, if the sex thing is not right, and if the sex thing is important, then rule #2 kicks in. You tell him that that it doesn't feel right and you have more of a friend interaction / vibe with him, because you do. Maybe, if you want, you can swing a friendship with him, maybe any friendship will wither over time anyhow.

When I say "be honest", that need not include specifics, such as "you and I don't jibe well in the sack", after all he might feel the same way and lackluster performance is the result. It seems you want to move on and you are asking if the motives you have are the same as those of other people. There is no reasoning with how one feels. I may be in the minority, but unless a woman is looking to work things out, I would not care why she is not into me. That is her deal, and I am not about to ask why she feels a certain way. I find people like others for random reasons, and dislike them for equally random reasons. You have a right to your feelings, and indicating as much shows self esteem and respect for the other person (as adults they can handle it).

If you are asking whether you are expecting too much, then maybe you are thinking too much about it. Keep time with people you like, do things with them that you enjoy, and say ciao to invitations to things that you do not enjoy (like bad sex). Maybe he is better as a Bridge partner than a sex partner. If you enjoy Bridge, then that's a good thing.
 
B

Boywonder2

#6
#6
superwoman01 said:
So I met this guy off of a popular dating site and yes it is one that is advertised on television. We went on about five dates. He has a great personality and a gorgeous smile. We seemed to click and shared many common interests. Then we decided to take it to another level and sleep together. Of course I blew his mind--not knowing that I am pretty well-seasoned lol! BUT I did not feel the magic or the sparks. No bells and whistles went off for me. So this leads me to a few questions from the UG guys and gals.

1. I feel that I should be honest and just tell him that the bedroom was not hot and steamy and I did not feel anything? It is better to be honest and not waste anyone's time? What do you think?

2. At my age (thirty- something still) should the sex not count as much since we click on other levels?

3. Am I expecting too much because I am well-seasoned and I want a healthy relationship both in and out of the bedroom? Maybe I have more expectations than the normal vanilla gal?

4. Should I contact Doctor Phil?
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Your missing option

5. Call Boywonder to the rescue :)
 
out of control

out of control

#7
#7
Did you only sleep with him once? Maybe he had an off night. You can always tell him what you like and how you like it and see if he can learn and step up his game. Otherwise don't pick up when he calls be busy when he asks you out and he'll get the hint. Don't tell him he sucks in bed. No guy wants to hear that.
 
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pudgy.in.the.middle

#8
#8
I agree with ooc, the guy deserves a second chance to redeem himself. The awkwardness stage has passed so give the recruit some instruction and directions, boom boom skills is something than can be trained or retrained...if he was an a-hole, I doubt he could be trained outta that nor would you probably date him.
 
P

pawgluvr

#9
#9
out of control said:
Did you only sleep with him once? Maybe he had an off night. You can always tell him what you like and how you like it and see if he can learn and step up his game. Otherwise don't pick up when he calls be busy when he asks you out and he'll get the hint. Don't tell him he sucks in bed. No guy wants to hear that.
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Sadly this is the state of affairs. Men are often dicks and cannot accept rejection, and (thus) women don't simply say "it's not working". Personally I am 1000 times more pissed if I am ignored after being nice to someone. I consider honest rejection to be kindness, and being ignored the ultimate passive agressive rudeness if there had ever been a pretense at caring.

But yeah, he never existed. Why treat him with the same kindness you would give a stranger who's wallet you found?
 
C

canthelpit

#10
#10
out of control said:
Did you only sleep with him once? Maybe he had an off night. You can always tell him what you like and how you like it and see if he can learn and step up his game. Otherwise don't pick up when he calls be busy when he asks you out and he'll get the hint. Don't tell him he sucks in bed. No guy wants to hear that.
Click to expand...
Give him anohter shot, maybe he was really nervous, or just had a bad night like ooc said.
 
S

superwoman01

#11
#11
out of control said:
Did you only sleep with him once? Maybe he had an off night. You can always tell him what you like and how you like it and see if he can learn and step up his game. Otherwise don't pick up when he calls be busy when he asks you out and he'll get the hint. Don't tell him he sucks in bed. No guy wants to hear that.
Click to expand...
I would never tell a guy that he sucks in bed ever. I like your suggestion. I don't want to hurt his feeling nor do i want mine hurt. I do think it is better to be upfront and not lead him on.
 
S

superwoman01

#12
#12
pawgluvr said:
Sadly this is the state of affairs. Men are often dicks and cannot accept rejection, and (thus) women don't simply say "it's not working". Personally I am 1000 times more pissed if I am ignored after being nice to someone. I consider honest rejection to be kindness, and being ignored the ultimate passive aggressive rudeness if there had ever been a pretense at caring.

But yeah, he never existed. Why treat him with the same kindness you would give a stranger who's wallet you found?
Click to expand...
I am polite and would say something instead of blowing him off. Maybe their is a strategy to it like some have suggested and would get the hint.

In one sense I think that I would rather know that the guy is not into me then so be it and move on. Life is so short and important to me that I don't want to waste my time or his.

I am not sure if I would give him a second shot. I understand show him what I like and teach him. BUT He was not a good kisser and rammed is teeth into mine. He was not good at foreplay. Finally I had to take charge and roll him over and take over to do what I need to do--to get mine! LOL (No I didn't hurt him & he was happy.)

Maybe I need a man who likes to take control and is seasoned in the love making and foreplay dept. LOL

I still believe in when its right you know it and you will feel the passion and the fireworks will go off! IDK
 
N

new guy

#13
#13
I'm thinking you should follow your instinct and let it drop ( in a diplomatic way )

While there could be a good argument for letting a guy have a second chance, I'm feeling that it wasn't simply a matter of an "off night" but rather a fundimental lack of chemistry which sadly is rarely fixable...
 
S

superwoman01

#14
#14
new guy said:
I'm thinking you should follow your instinct and let it drop ( in a diplomatic way )

While there could be a good argument for letting a guy have a second chance, I'm feeling that it wasn't simply a matter of an "off night" but rather a fundamental lack of chemistry which sadly is rarely fixable...
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I agree and Chemistry is everything!!! Thanks
 
backseat

backseat

#15
#15
Superwoman,
I spent time with you at a UG event. You exuded sexuality. If this was the first encounter and it did not go well, I would not be surprised. I probably would drop a load on the side of the bed. You are sooo hot. He probably can't believe he is with you(telling his friends "She so hot she could be a working girl!")
This is not a fair situation. It's a professional Vs an amateur, in the bedroom. I know you can teach him the finer point of what you like, but admit the kissing thing is more difficult. Good kissers are the first turn on for me.
I knew a young lady friend who had two failed marriages. She was very passionate and and once told my wife she had a date that ripped her panties off, that she considered great. She met a great guy who had everything... except one short coming. She considered this, and he over came this problem by satisfying her in other ways.
She has now been happily married for seven years.
Good luck to you. You are sweet person, and deserve a happy life
 
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T

trader1

#16
#16
Prior to sleeping together, you went out on 4 dates..(obviously you enjoyed his company)... Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe you came on to strong? aggressive? You suggest you "blew his mind"... Did you catch him off guard? If there is some chemistry outside of the BR, and you like this guy, be honest. What do you have to lose?
 
backseat

backseat

#17
#17
Superwoman,
I spent time with you at a UG event. You exuded sexuality. If this was the first encounter and it did not go well, I would not be surprised. I probably would drop a load on the side of the bed. You are sooo hot. He probably can't believe he is with you(telling his friends "She so hot she could be a working girl!")
This is not a fair situation. It's a professional Vs an amateur. I know you can teach him the finer point of what you like, but admit the kissing thing is more difficult. Good kissers are the first turn on for me.
I knew a young lady friend who had two failed marriages. She was very passionate and and once told my wife she had a date that ripped her panties off, that she considered great. She met a great guy who had everything... except one short coming. She considered this, and he over came this problem by satisfying her in other ways.
She has now been happily married for seven years.
Good luck to you. You are sweet person, and deserve a happy life
 
P

pawgluvr

#18
#18
If the sex is bad, then I think they ease off on it. Maybe go for the friendship thing. Only the OP knows how bad it was, and I think any fast decision is unnecessary; just go with the flow. The only hazard to waiting too long is possible resentment, at which point things may get a bit raw (such as when someone picks a fight). In any case, everyone has a right to their own feelings. One an only, explain it as it is, factually; honesty is the only possible policy. I have never ever stayed sore at a woman for being honest.

As to a happy life, heck we all deserve a happy life, but what one deserves won't change a bad relationship.
 
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LISteve

#19
#19
Wow Superwoman. If you are going to get serious with him you will spend most of your time NOT having sex. In the long run wouldn't you be happier with someone whose company you enjoy as opposed to someone else who you don't like as much but rocks your world in bed? It's your life and you have to find someone who will make you happy. Example ... I think Britney SPears is hot and would kill to get that in the sack ... yet she is a complete asshole. Now would I rather marry her or an average looking girl who is OK in the sack but whose company I really enjoy?

Stay with the guy and give him another chance ... and if you need your world rocked just count on your guy friends at UG to deliver the goods!!
 
S

superwoman01

#20
#20
backseat said:
Superwoman,
I spent time with you at a UG event. You exuded sexuality. If this was the first encounter and it did not go well, I would not be surprised. I probably would drop a load on the side of the bed. You are sooo hot. He probably can't believe he is with you(telling his friends "She so hot she could be a working girl!")
This is not a fair situation. It's a professional Vs an amateur, in the bedroom. I know you can teach him the finer point of what you like, but admit the kissing thing is more difficult. Good kissers are the first turn on for me.
I knew a young lady friend who had two failed marriages. She was very passionate and and once told my wife she had a date that ripped her panties off, that she considered great. She met a great guy who had everything... except one short coming. She considered this, and he over came this problem by satisfying her in other ways.
She has now been happily married for seven years.
Good luck to you. You are sweet person, and deserve a happy life
Click to expand...
Thank you for the kind words :) Thanks for sharing the story. I am like you. A good kisser is such a turn on for me too.
I thought about the part that you wrote about the "short comings" Hypothetically speaking--If he was good at satisfying me in one way opposed to another would that make me happy? My answer would be no, reason being that I want the whole package. I am a good person with a good heart and I know what I can bring to the table. I am not asking for something that he would not receive in return x5.
The same situation could be reversed too. A guy may think that the gal gives a Bj that is out of this world. Yet when making love she just lay’s there like a big bag of rocks and he does not like that. Does he marry her just because she gives the good BJ and they are compatible in other ways? BUT--and hear me out please before you pull that comment apart. Everyone has needs and yes no one is perfect. Even if a couple gets along personality wise and become the best of friends, If you are not getting what you want in the bedroom or your needs taken care of. Then that is when some would go outside of the relationship--hence a provider or an affair. Since I can really relate to this reality I don’t want to be in that situation. Not to say that a healthy relationship can go South years later. I feel and this is my opinion that if the foundation is not there or the physical aspect is not completely fulfilling to begin with that the risk is higher that we will get our needs taken care of someplace else. I obviously have a high sex drive (Go figure). LOL and I am obviously planning on having sex until I am ninety--GOD willing. LOL! Even if he lies and says yes babe it is in. LOL!

BUT then that brings me to another question. Since I am in my late thirties do I have to settle? Should we settle because we are no longer in our twenties and feel that the clock is ticking?
 
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