Not Too Dirty Jokes....

B

Bill Furniture

Flounder
#41
#41
Too Little, Too Late

A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted,
and St. Peter says to the guy, "I can't see that you
did anything really good in your life, but you never
did anything bad either. I tell you what, if you can
tell me one really good deed that you did, you're in."

So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and
saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I
pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and
walked straight up to the gang's leader--a huge ugly
guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with
hair all over his body, and a chain running from his
nose to his ear.

Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear
and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then
I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to
the rest of them, 'You leave this poor, innocent lady
alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go
home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? I can't seem to
find this in your file. When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."
 
B

Bill Furniture

Flounder
#42
#42
Woodie

Davie walks into a bar and sees his friend Norm slumped over the bar. Davie walks over and asks Norm what's wrong.

"Well," replies Norm, "you know about that beautiful girl at work that I told you I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Davie, with a smile.

"Well," says Norm, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Davie, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Norm, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So, I got some duct tape out of my truck and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did get a woodie, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible." says Davie.

"So I get to her door," says Norm, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

Norm slumps back over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."
 
G

grenv

#43
#43
Re: Boston joke

Twenty major events have occurred since the Red Sox last laid claim to a
World Series Championship.

12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sand, was discovered, and became the
subject of major motion pictures, the latest of which gave Red Sox
fans hope that something that finished on the bottom can come out
on top.

13. Fenway Park was built, and has since become the OLDEST park in the
major leagues.

Both these events happened prior to the 1918 Boston World Series win (in fact both in 1912).

That said it was still very funny.
 
W

wimpy

#44
#44
The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're wife is in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
 
W

wimpy

#45
#45
A Close Call...

There were these three guys, a French man, an Italian and a German. They all worked together at a factory. Every day they noticed that their Russian boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early, too.

The Russian boss left and so did they.

The German guy went home, read the newspaper and took a nap.

The Italian guy went home and cooked dinner.

The French man went home and walked to his bedroom. Hearing a noise, he opened the door slowly and saw his wife in bed having sexual intercourse with his boss, so he quickly shut the door and left.

The next day the Italian and the German were talking going home early again. They asked the French man if he wanted to leave early, too, and he said, "No."

They asked French man why not and he said, "Because yesterday I almost got caught!"
 
B

Bill Furniture

Flounder
#46
#46
State Fair

A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is
> that of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a
> sign that says, "This Bull mated 50 times last year." The wife pokes
> her husband in the ribs and says,
>
> "He mated 50 times last year." They walked a little further and see
> another pen with a sign that says "This Bull mated 120 times last
> year." The wife hits her husband and says,
>
> "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They
> walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying "This Bull
> mated 365 times last year." The wife gets really excited and says,
>
> "That's once a day" You could REALLY learn something from this one."
> The husband looks at her and says,
>
> "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow ."
 
B

Bill Furniture

Flounder
#47
#47
Useless boob

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied, "the sunrises and sunsets are
breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have
just this one problem. It is these three breasts that you have given me. The
middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with
my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they are a real
pain." reported Eve.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you
know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed half of
those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God
reaches down, removes the middle breast and tosses it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visits Eve in the garden. "Well,
Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You see,
all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull,
all the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right, how could
I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a
man from a part of you. Now lets see...where did I put that useless boob?"

Makes more sense than that business about the rib...
 
Slinky Bender

Slinky Bender

The All Powerful Moderator
#49
#49
What do you call a dog with no legs, period ?

1) You don't call him. He can't come anyway.

2) You call him "Cigarette", and twice a day you take him out for a drag.....
 
O

occasionalhobbyist

#50
#50
Re: Boston joke correction

Originally posted by grenv
Twenty major events have occurred since the Red Sox last laid claim to a
World Series Championship...
Click to expand...
Actually, it's worse than that...

Word is, this started as a "Twenty Major Events since the Chicago Cubs won a World Series" which was in 1908, and never got updated. (It had its flaws too, which you'll see.)

Herewith, an attempt to correct the entire list, from a Yankee fan (myself) who sent it to a close friend and Sox fan, and had to pull a mea culpa... (Thanks a LOT!)
--
1. The radio was technically invented in 1895 by Marconi. The first receiver was manufactured in 1901. A radio tuner capable of receiving different stations, which I presume was the invention of which this list's originator was referring, was invented in 1916, two years before the Red Sox last won a World Series.

4. George Burns was born in 1896, and therefore celebrated only his 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.

5. Halley's comet has passed the earth once, in 1986. The previous most recent time was in 1910.

7. The National Hockey League was founded in 1917.

10. There have been 10 (not 11) amendments to the Constitution since 1918, including prohibition which was ratified Jan. 26, 1919.

12. The Titanic ran aground in April 1912, and by most accounts was constructed beforehand.

13. Fenway Park opened the same week the Titanic sank in April 1912, and is in fact the oldest stadium in the Major Leagues.

14. I can't verify the rusting of any flagpoles at Fenway Park, and given the number of inaccuracies noted so far consider it suspect.

15. 36 Olympics have been held since 1918.

16. Eleven batters have won the Triple Crown, including Ted Williams (twice) and Carl Yastzremski, who no doubt would not have thanked Red Sox pitchers for their achievement. In fact, only Jimmie Foxx (1933), Lou Gerhig (1934), Mickey Mantle (1956) and Frank Robinson (1966) would have had any cause to thank Red Sox pitchers, as these were the only non-Red Sox American League players to hit for the Triple Crown since 1918.*

18. The Chicago White Sox last won a World Series in 1917 (and threw the last chance they had at a ring in 1919, via the infamous "Black Sox" scandal).

19. Arizona, 1912, Oklahoma, 1907 (which was prior to even the Cubs' last World Series victory); New Mexico, 1912

* In addition, the loose wording of the statement might be considered to include the Triple Crown of Pitching (Wins, Strikeouts and ERA), which has been accomplished 16 times since 1918, but never by a BoSox pitcher.
 
B

Bill Furniture

Flounder
#52
#52
Good Alibi

A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45
zone. The cop asks for his drivers license and the guy
says, "I'm sorry officer, but my license was suspended
after my 5th DUI."

The cop asks for his registration and the guy says,
"It's in the glove compartment, but it's not in my name
because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed
the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the
trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment.
At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands
in sight and he radios for back-up.

When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story
and he walks up to the guy in the car. The supervisor
asks to see the guy's drivers license and the guy hands
it over and it is valid with the guys real name and
information.

The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy
says, "It's in the Glove compartment." The supervisor
tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and walks
around to the passenger side and opens the glove
compartment. There is the registration in the guys
name and everything seems in order.

Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open
the trunk. The guy opens the trunk and the only thing
there is a spare tire.

At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the
other cop had told him. The guy says "I'll bet that
lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding too!"
 
H

HornDogBuddah

#55
#55
Little Old Ladies

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."


After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

********************************************

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not
intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "But I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said > > the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

*********************************************
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
 
T

thelastone

#56
#56
Deaf Sex

Two deaf people get married.
During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals?For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, "reach over and pull on my penis one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis two hundred and fifty times."
 
B

Bobbycat

#57
#57
Money

Man walks into a tatoo parlor and asks the tatoo artist to tatoo a hundred dollar bill on his penis. The artist asks the guy why on earth would you make such a request, the guy replies:

There are three reasons

1. Sometimes I like to play with my money.

2. Sometimes I like to watch my money grow.

and finally Since my wife likes to blow my money, she can blow it at home.

[Edited by Bobbycat on 11-08-2001 at 09:09 PM]
 
B

Bill Furniture

Flounder
#58
#58
This guy pulls into his driveway after a long day at work to find all his belongings out in the front yard. He enters his house and asks his girlfriend, "What's going on?"

She says, "I found out you're a pedophile, and I want you to leave."

He looks at her and says, "Pedophile, huh? That's a pretty big word for a ten year old."
 
T

Troutman

Paste
#59
#59
An Italian man, relaxing at his favorite bar in Roma, managed to
attract a spectacular young blonde woman. He invited her back to his
apartment,
and after some small talk they made love. After a pleasant interlude, and,
at what seemed to him to be the appropriate time, he stretched, asked with
a smile, "So... you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No."
Pleasantly surprised, the young man reached for her and had his way with
her again. This time she's wild, thrashing about on the bed and climaxing
with screams of passion.
Again, the young man smiles, and asks, "You finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to
him, and says "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man
reaches for his date. It takes all of his strength and he barely manages
to do it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and
ripping bed sheets. It's dawn by then, and, entirely spent, the
exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head,
he looks
into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks, "You finish!?"
"No!" she shouts back. "Swedish!"
 
T

Troutman

Paste
#60
#60
"Damn income taxes"

Ray dies and finds himself before the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter
tells him that he cannot enter yet because he cheated on his income taxes.
The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a dumb, ugly
woman for the next five years and enjoy it.

Ray decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.
So, off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks
along, he sees his friend Marcus up ahead with an even uglier woman.

When he asks what's going on, Marcus replies "I cheated on my income taxes
and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shake their
heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together
to help pass the time.

Now Marcus, Ray, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their
own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend
Russell up ahead. This man is with an absolutely gorgeous woman.

Stunned, Marcus and Ray approach the man and discover it is their friend
Russell. They ask him how it is he's with this unbelievable goddess,
while they're stuck with these god-awful women.
Russell replies, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This
has been absolutely
the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man
could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem
to understand. Every time we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs
to herself, 'Damn income taxes!'"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top