Not Too Dirty Jokes....

[JackLI]

Two male pencils and a female pencil started sleeping in a box. A couple of weeks later, the female pencil became pregnant. Which male pencil is the father?

Answer: The one without the rubber.


Question 2: What is the lightest thing in the world?

Answer: Dick. Why? because even a simple thought can raise it.

 

[Bill Furniture]

Urologist

A urologist claimed that he could find any disease just by testing a person's urine. One man, who had tennis elbow, decided to fool the doctor. He made an appointment, recieved his specimen bottle, and was told to come back the next day. That night he urinated in the bottle, then his wife did, then his daughter did, then the family dog. Then he beat off into it. He returned the next day with his sample and gave it to the doctor for testing. Four hours went by and the doctor came out. "You know," he said, "it took me a long time, but I think I've finally got it. Your wife has VD, your daughter is pregnant, your dog has mange, and if you stopped whacking off, you'd lose that tennis elbow!"

 

[Bill Furniture]

Two lesbians were having a drink at the bar when a good-looking
woman waved at them from across the room.

"I'd like to get between her legs," said the first lesbian.

"Oh, no you wouldn't," responded her friend. "She's hung like a donut."

 

[Bill Furniture]

The limps

Two men were walking down the street toward each other,
both were dragging the right foot. The first man
said, "Vietnam '69."

The second man said, "Dog poop, twenty feet behind me."

 

[Bill Furniture]

Holding Out

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a
fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd
in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet
the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband
pretty upset."

 

[SkellyChamp]

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.

Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this
'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about
is 'mutual orgasm'.

"Mutual orgasm' here and 'mutual orgasm' there that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm.

 

[Bill Furniture]

yuck!

A mailman walked down the street and saw a small boy playing in a pile
of shit, had it between his fingers and smeared over his body. The mailman asked him what he was doing and the little boy looked up and said, "Making a Mailman." This pissed the mailman off, he went up the street and saw a fireman. He told the fireman what the boy was doing and
>what a smart ass the kid was, the fireman said that he would have a
talk with the boy. The fireman walked up to the boy and asked him what was he
doing playing in pile of shit, the little boy looked up and said,"Making a Fireman.' This pissed the fireman off, he left to tell a cop.The cop said that he would have a talk with the boy. The cop asked the
boy what was he doing playing with a pile of shit. The little boy looked up and said nothing. The cop said, you told the mailman and the fireman that you were making a fireman and a mailman, why don't you tell me that you are making a cop. The kid looked up and without a grin said, "I
ain't got enough shit."

 

[JohnJ]

Visit to the doctor....

A young co-ed female walks into the doctor’s office for a check up at which the doctor asks her to remove her blouse and bra. The doctor couldn’t help but notice the letter Y emblazoned on her torso...

".... Uh miss.... how did you get that letter Y on your torso?"

The gal replies that her boyfriend goes to Yale University and is so proud that he always wears it when he makes love to me...so the Y from his sweatshirt always leaves the imprint against her body...

Few days later another gal walks in for a check up and the doctor asks her to remove her clothes...

Again he is taken back by the fact that this young lady has the letter H emblazoned on her chest....

".... Uh miss.... how did you get that letter H on your torso?"

The gal replies that her boyfriend goes to Harvard University and is so proud that he always wears it when he makes love to me...so the H from his sweatshirt always leaves the imprint against her body...

A few more days go by and yet another lovely young female co-ed walks into his office for a check up. The doctor asks her to remove her clothes and again sees a big letter W on this young girls torso....

The doctor looks at the girl and says... hey I bet you have a boyfriend that goes to Washington State University...or maybe Williams...

The young co-ed looks at him and says no..."My girlfriend goes to Michigan"

 

[thelastone]

the zipper

In a big city at a crowded busy bus stop there was a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Still, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her in line picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic, turned to the would-be good Samaritan, and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

 

[misterxyz]

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring" he says, "I know dis you firs time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - jus anytin you want you say. What you want?"

A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. "I want ...... numma 69" she replies.

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef with Broccoli?"

 

[Bill Furniture]

Old Lovers

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner
together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and
asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this
tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made
love to you from behind?"

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there
again and we can do it for old time's sake."

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good
idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth
listening to all this, and having a chuckle to
himself.

He thinks, 'I've got to see this...two old-timers
having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on
them so's there's no trouble.'

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning
on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make
their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down
and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around
and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves
in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that
the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking
and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for
about forty minutes! She's yellling, "Ohhhh, God!"
He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the
most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both
collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has rned
something about life that he didn't know. He starts to
think about his own aged parents and wonders whether
they still have sex like this. After about half an
hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly
amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask
him what his secret is.'

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was
something else, you must have been shagging for about
forty minutes.How do you manage it? You must have had
a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of
secret?"

"No, there's no secret," the old man says,"except that
fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."

 

[TuckernotSucker]

Times Article

NY Times Article. "US Postal Service withdraws Stamps from Post Offices. The US post office recinds its latest issue of stamps picturing famous Lawyers. It seems that the public could not figure out which side to spit on.

 

[Bill Furniture]

Silver dildo

This Guy who owns a porno shop and has his friend
watch the store while he runs some errands. While the
owner is away in walks this red head lady. She
walks up to the counter and asks, "How much for that
pink dildo up on the shelf?" The guy replies, "$25."

She said, "I'll take it!" A few minutes later in walks
this brunette. She walks up to the counter and asks,
"How much for that purple dildo up on the shelf?" The
guy replies, "$50."


>She said, "I'll take it." A while later this
blonde walks in. Her eyes got as big as saucers. She
walked up to the counter and asked, "How much for that
big silver dildo on the shelf?" The guy replies,
"$100." She pays him and leaves.

In walks the owner and asks how business was doing,
and his friend replies, "I sold the pink dildo for
$25, I sold the purple dildo for $50, and I got a $100
for your THERMOS."

 

[beep9]

Wednesday Afternoon:







Arik Sharon calls George W. Bush and says







"Now, George, please try to be moderate in your reprisals"

 

[Bill Furniture]

Horse Auction

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He
watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his
hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a
few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"

"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."

Johnny looked worried and said, "Then I think we'd better hurry
home right away!"

"Why?" his father asked.

"Because the mailman stopped by yesterday, and I think he
wants to buy Mom!"

 

[wimpy]

Now that's a great bar!...

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Frenchman are in a bar having a good time. They all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a wonderful bar.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place called Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink and Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Frenchman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this bar called Francois's. At Francoise's, they buy you the first drink, then they buy you the second drink, then they buy you the third drink, and then they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Frenchman. "But it happened to my sister!"

 

[wimpy]

Bosses just aren't any fun...

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone...

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal, "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone...

"You're next," the Genie says to the partner.

The partner says, "I want those two back in the office right after lunch!"

 

[wimpy]

The Blonde Handyman...

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type person and started canvassing a well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

 

[wimpy]

A Great Breast Stroke...


A handsome athletic man meets a well-endowed beautiful blonde and decides he wants to marry her right away. She tells him they don't know anything about each other.

He says that it's fine: "We can learn about each other with time."

She consents, they marry and leave for their honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning as they are lying by the pool, he gets up from his towel. He climbs the 10 meter board and fluidly performs a two and a half tuck gainer followed by three rotations in a jackknife position, then straightens out and cuts the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he comes back and eases back on his towel.

Very excited, she says, "That was incredible!"

"I used to be an Olympic diving champion," he says. "You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as time went on."

The blonde gets up, jumps in the pool, and begins doing laps. After about fifty laps, she climbs back out and lays down on her towel... barely out of breath.

Very excited, he says, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she answers.

"Then how did you get to be such a great swimmer?"

"I was a hooker in Camden, New Jersey... I worked both sides of the river."

 

[wimpy]

Two Blonde Heads...


A blonde was driving home after a baseball game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.

She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, "HELLO !?...You need to roll up the windows first!"