Ww: I think I finally have a speck of comprehension.
I side with Skelly on my prefered mode to the hobby. I think if you were to chat with the wonderful woman I've described in this post, she'd tell you that I'm annoyingly cautious and regularly second-guessing far too much that the heart tends to tell me. I don't apologize. It's uncharted territory for me, with lots of uncertainties, and so this is how I proceed.
When I started out in this hobby some 9 years ago, I did it to fill purely physical desires. And, frankly, I was a pretty angry guy who was looking for trouble.
Sometimes, this was fine. Other times, it led me to places that weren't so hot. I remember one time having sex with a young, plump pimple-faced girl, couldn't have been more than 19, in the front seat of my car. She cried afterwards. I did not provide a compassionate shoulder, was too much wrapped up in my own shit.
My lack of humanity in that setting bothered me greatly. Obviously, it still nags.
A short while later, a streetwalker offered to make me feel like a stud in a porn movie, with an afternoon of BBFS. Trust me when I say that it was not worth it.
I recall another time, picking up a streetwalker who was so drunk that she puked in my lap, opened the car door and wandered off screaming into the night. Me with my dick hanging out. That was fun.
Over time, I evolved a set of rules to deal with this. I no longer pick up streetwalkers. And while I prefer incalls and AMPs, I try to aim for a price point where I feel I'm not being completely exploitive of them. (Not criticizing here; my definition of 'exploitive' is completely subjective and rules out a lot of things that probably involve lots of free will.)
So, I gravitate toward indies and mid-market incalls that aren't quite as trafficked as the ones I frequented when I arrived in NYC.
But, this puts me at risk of the sort of thing that I described in the beginning of this thread: a real relationship with a person who is a prostitute because of an exercise of free will (or at least one who remains a pro for that reason.) Someone who can stand on her own two feet and who has as much fucked up humanity as I do.
And so, I've fallen. For one. And as much as it's a bit of torture, and requires things of me I was not sure I'd be capable of, it has added a lot. It has made me recognize that my stereotypes of whores are not always right. (Not that they're always wrong.)
It also makes me recognize that I think it's really shitty to hunt whores as a 'dreamboy.' (not that all dreamboys do, but some...) Most of the time, we talk about what a bad idea it is for the guys. But, isn't it a bad idea for the girls too? I mean, if it's a mutual accident, fine. Bad john, bad 'ho, now act like adults and figure out how you want to deal with it.
The walls exist for a reason, I think. A very good reason. They protect us from ourselves. They represent our bargain that we can fulfill our physical desires without guilt or repression.
But if you're going to schedule extended dates with providers and court them in pursuit of a relationship outside the commercial sex arena, I just think you're running the risk of misleading yourself, fucking up an already unstable relationship (rooted in commercial sex as it is) and hurting someone else.
Someone who, I established above, I now recognize is another human being.
I like my rules. I'm sorry I busted them once. I'm doing fine, but the vast majority of the time, I'm going to stick with my rules. Walk the fine line. Be a human. Flawed, fucked up, but human.
That may be all I have to say.