Falling for a Provider

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#1
I love a whore.

This morning, I brought her coffee. We fucked like mad. We kissed, long, passionate, wet, naked. My tongue explored the soft and hard parts of her mouth. I kissed her eyelids. I pretended I was a teenage boy and she was my girlfriend and we were fucking and kissing in the back seat of my car behind a movie theater when I came inside her (covered, of course).

--Make love to me.
--I am.

She came while I was just kissing her.

She infects my mind. Not quite as much as my wife. (Who, lucky dog, I also made love to this morning before my date with the whore.) But a lot.

At first, I told myself she couldn’t possibly share these feelings. It was an act, a very good one. In fact, I questioned whether my own feelings were real or simply the illusion produced by orgasms, endorphins and aromatherapy.

But she does. It’s mutual.

And so, we dance on the head of a pin. Somehow, we have maintained this dance for more than a year. At times it's invigorating. The kind of thing BMM talked about, getting a hard-on just thinking about being with her (in fact, that happened this morning on the way to her place.) So far, I have never reached a point where it has driven me mad.

She loves other men. Some more than me, I’m sure. I hope. I love my wife more than I love her. Tit for tat.

I worry about her, though. If something happened to her, it would wreck me. Fucking wreck me. I need her, I think. Yes, I definitely need her. I at least need for her to be safe and happy and sane and alive. I need that in this world. And I am a person who has always tried very hard not to need anything from anyone.

I am certain that dozens of men have felt some trace of what I feel for her. A handful have probably felt more, or become more deeply involved. Would I if I could? I do not know the answer. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Does she really love me? Is she acting? Is hers one of those award-winning performances? I've thought about this a lot, and have come to the conclusion that it does not matter. I don't believe she is, but perception is reality. She shows flashes of acting, role playing really, moves familiar as grooves in the pavement that are part of the character she's 'in' when she's with any guy. Yet, what does that matter? I suspect that these parts of her are as deeply ingrained in her persona as the parts I see when the mask is off.

Would I leave my wife for her? I have thought about it in flashes. I haven’t the courage to act on it and I don't think she'd want that. It might be impossible to be with her, just because of our mutual natures. Might.

So, I’m out. It can be done. And, if you can pull it off, it’s great. But are you really prepared to exist in a permanent state of in-between?

Aside from that, are you honestly prepared to let her be her? I mean, you have to be. Can you handle that? Other guys’ cocks in her, day in, day out. Ten, fifteen times a week? Huh? Can you? Are you really going to try to take that away from her? How fucking arrogant of you. Can you deal with the fact that you cannot possibly fill her void, and still love her nonetheless?

So, good luck out there. If you want to find this kind of relationship with a hooker, I hope you have great success. It can be great, but it will test you.

Just recognize that you could be fucking her later today. And I’m out here, in love with her, hoping she’s safe with you. You could be me, not thinking about it. And wondering how long this dance will last.

I love a whore. It's great. It's not for everyone.
 

justme

homo economicus
#6
I can't think of a joke so...

Do you have an end game in mind for this? Because you have to know that your fragile balance can't last forever. I can't help but feel that despit all the hardships you've already dealt with, the true price of this relationship is being deferred.

I hope everything works out for the best.
 
#7
Wow. After all the discussions we've had of late about stalkers and falling for clients and the rest, and ww's indications that such relationships are more common or possible than all us cynics seem to suggest, I would've thought I'd prompt some more discussion than this.

I'm not looking for approval or advice. Just to provoke some discussion about the issue.
 
#13
Originally posted by occasionalhobbyist
yes (i pay)
I’m not just directing this at O.H. but to everyone who is in love with a whore. Wouldn’t a true test of her feelings be to see if she would fuck you for free. If her feelings are mutual you shouldn’t have to pay for it.

Yes I realize guys usually have to pay for sex on some level but there’s a difference between taking your girlfriend out to dinner and leaving an envelop of cash on the night stand.
 
#14
I don't think so.

Maybe it makes me hypocritical, but I want to pay.

Once, I did not pay. It made me slightly uncomfortable. A girl's gotta make a living, you know. And i've done the math. She can't be living the high life based on what she makes on a weekly/monthly basis.

Why does the money need to be the barrier to feelings of love? I don't view it that way. It seems a completely unreasonable test to say, do not eat bread today and do what it is that you do for a living for me, right now, out of love.

to paraphrase, what's money got to do with it?
 

Wwanderer

Kids, don't try this at home
#15
Double bravo!

Originally posted by occasionalhobbyist
Wow. After all the discussions we've had of late about stalkers and falling for clients and the rest, and ww's indications that such relationships are more common or possible than all us cynics seem to suggest, I would've thought I'd prompt some more discussion than this.
OH, I admire both your post and your style...a lot! The post is great because it just lays it all out honestly - wonders, warts, ambiguities and joys. It is far better input/"advice" for anyone else who might be getting involved with a provider than either my philosophical perspective or the over generalized (in my opinion) rules of the nay sayers. More importantly, I like your style because you are in there "wallowing around" (a less than charming description which I often use) with your eyes and your heart open. It may well end up causing you pain, or more pain I should probably say...all serious relationships seem to involve some, down the road, but at least you were not afraid to have the experience. Good luck with it!

-Ww

PS - I guess this is too predictable coming from me.
 

Wwanderer

Kids, don't try this at home
#17
"Money for nothing, girls for free"

Originally posted by salomon
Yes I realize guys usually have to pay for sex on some level but there’s a difference between taking your girlfriend out to dinner and leaving an envelop of cash on the night stand.
And that difference is?

-Ww

PS - It is not that I think there is no difference, but it is a subtle thing when you really try to pin it down.
 

Wwanderer

Kids, don't try this at home
#19
Originally posted by occasionalhobbyist
what's money got to do with it?
He: Would you still sleep with me if I stopped paying you?

She: Yes. Would you still give me money if we stopped being lovers?

He: Yes.


It is not necessarily a good idea to test such commitments unless absolutely necessary, but in any case, which is the more relevant one?

-Ww
 
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