Gold!
Thats what this thread is: GOLD! My sides hurt from laughing so much.
Here's one of mine:
Strippers have bad but mutually exclusive skills. When they tell the truth, they are tactless...and when they lie, they SUCK at it. At least they are consistent.
I ask a very pretty, but obviously somewhat older (~34) stripper to come to my table for an overpriced drink and some touchy-feely. Just before she gets to my table, she has a five minute conversation with some greasy-haired dude who is gonna re-mount her wedding ring as a favor to her. Maybe she let him mount her. Anyway...the music is loud, so she thinks I cant hear. However, I have excellent hearing and I dont miss a word.
She sits down. We introduce/exchange names. We order drinks. Blah, blah, blah, This goes on for about 5 minutes. Ok, now's the time to ask:
[ME] You a single girl? (I put her hand on my crotch)
[HER] Are you gonna tip me?
I hand her a $20 and unzip my pants. She starts stroking.
[HER] Yep, I'm single.
I allow this charade to go on for 2 months (among other mongering activities). We get to know each other. I find out her maiden name (begins with H) and that she has an ex hubby (last name began with G). She's taking courses at night to become a brain surgeon or a nuclear physicist or something. She tells me she has an extra night to finish a take-home test because they go in alphabetical order, by last name.
[ME] Why do you have extra time to finish the test?
[HER] My last name begins with a P.
I laugh, and she looks puzzled. The puzzled look disappears when I hand her a $20 and unzip my pants....