Stripper Chit-Chat I
- Thread starter justlooking
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I hasten to point out that this conversation was with a stripper I've never been the Champagne Room with.
ME: It was so nice out this afternoon. How did you spend it?
STRIPPER: In Borders, drinking coffee and reading fashion magazines. I read this European one. It had an article about how what men really want is often different from what you think they want. Like, when men wake up hard in the morning . . . . does that happen to you? . . . . no, you're old, you probably don't get hard anymore . . . .
ME: It was so nice out this afternoon. How did you spend it?
STRIPPER: In Borders, drinking coffee and reading fashion magazines. I read this European one. It had an article about how what men really want is often different from what you think they want. Like, when men wake up hard in the morning . . . . does that happen to you? . . . . no, you're old, you probably don't get hard anymore . . . .
Earlier in the same conversation.
STRIPPER: It's so hot in here, everybody is greasy. Look at my hair. And I didn't even put any conditioner in this morning.
ME: See how dry my hair is? I put on some conditioner this morning, and it's still like this.
STRIPPER: You put conditioner on THAT? Why bother?
STRIPPER: It's so hot in here, everybody is greasy. Look at my hair. And I didn't even put any conditioner in this morning.
ME: See how dry my hair is? I put on some conditioner this morning, and it's still like this.
STRIPPER: You put conditioner on THAT? Why bother?
STRIPPER: Have you ever seen Something's Got To Give? I think you'd like it.
ME: Nope.
STRIPPER: Next time we go out, I'll bring a DVD of it. We can watch it in the hotel.
ME: Isn't there a pretty high irony quotient there? Am I supposed to end up dating your mother?
STRIPPER: You know, you don't have to analyze everything.
ME: Nope.
STRIPPER: Next time we go out, I'll bring a DVD of it. We can watch it in the hotel.
ME: Isn't there a pretty high irony quotient there? Am I supposed to end up dating your mother?
STRIPPER: You know, you don't have to analyze everything.
Cell phone rings. Incoming number belongs to a now-retired stripper I haven't seen in a few months.
ME: Hi.
VOICE: Hello?
ME: Hi.
VOICE: Hello? Hello?
ME: Hi.
VOICE: I'm sorry. I think I have a wrong number.
ME: This is [Stripper Friend's name], isn't it?
VOICE: Yeah. Who's this?
ME: [My name]
VOICE: Oh, hi. I didn't mean to call you. I thought you were my bank.
ME: I always thought you thought that.
ME: Hi.
VOICE: Hello?
ME: Hi.
VOICE: Hello? Hello?
ME: Hi.
VOICE: I'm sorry. I think I have a wrong number.
ME: This is [Stripper Friend's name], isn't it?
VOICE: Yeah. Who's this?
ME: [My name]
VOICE: Oh, hi. I didn't mean to call you. I thought you were my bank.
ME: I always thought you thought that.
These threads are priceless. Glad I found them. Here's my contribution:
On a Saturday night, on a recent trip to a city where I'm not familiar with the adult clubbing scene:
Her: (chewing gum loudly, through the smacks) So d'ya wanna dance?
Me: What kind of dance? Is it a lap or a table dance, do we do it here or in a private area? And what's the price?
Her: Just a dance.
Me: Soooo ... is it a lap dance?
Her: Yes. D'ya wanna dance.
Me: And how much does it cost?
Her: Lap dance cost, ya know?
Me: How much is that?
Her: I'll give ya 2-for-1.
Me: But how much would that be?
Her: 3-for-1 is only available on weekdays, sorry.
(She walks away.)
On a Saturday night, on a recent trip to a city where I'm not familiar with the adult clubbing scene:
Her: (chewing gum loudly, through the smacks) So d'ya wanna dance?
Me: What kind of dance? Is it a lap or a table dance, do we do it here or in a private area? And what's the price?
Her: Just a dance.
Me: Soooo ... is it a lap dance?
Her: Yes. D'ya wanna dance.
Me: And how much does it cost?
Her: Lap dance cost, ya know?
Me: How much is that?
Her: I'll give ya 2-for-1.
Me: But how much would that be?
Her: 3-for-1 is only available on weekdays, sorry.
(She walks away.)
So it's a year and a half later. I'm at her apartment. She has Something's Got to Give playing on this huge TV screen she has. We're messing around on the couch.
There are a lot of jokes in the movie about how funny it is that Jack Nicholson is dating a girl in her twenties. I'm not liking it, but I soldier on.
Jack Nicholson has a heart attack while having sex with Amanda Peet. I really think there must be better things for us to make out to.
Amanda Peet is in the hospital waiting room. Dr. Keanu Reeves comes out from treating Jack Nicholson and tells her, "You're father's OK." "He's not my father," she says. "Sorry, your grandfather's OK," Dr. Keanu Reeves responds.
I lose my erection. "This has got to come off RIGHT NOW," I demand.
Jeez.
There are a lot of jokes in the movie about how funny it is that Jack Nicholson is dating a girl in her twenties. I'm not liking it, but I soldier on.
Jack Nicholson has a heart attack while having sex with Amanda Peet. I really think there must be better things for us to make out to.
Amanda Peet is in the hospital waiting room. Dr. Keanu Reeves comes out from treating Jack Nicholson and tells her, "You're father's OK." "He's not my father," she says. "Sorry, your grandfather's OK," Dr. Keanu Reeves responds.
I lose my erection. "This has got to come off RIGHT NOW," I demand.
Jeez.
Gold!
Thats what this thread is: GOLD! My sides hurt from laughing so much.
Here's one of mine:
Strippers have bad but mutually exclusive skills. When they tell the truth, they are tactless...and when they lie, they SUCK at it. At least they are consistent.
I ask a very pretty, but obviously somewhat older (~34) stripper to come to my table for an overpriced drink and some touchy-feely. Just before she gets to my table, she has a five minute conversation with some greasy-haired dude who is gonna re-mount her wedding ring as a favor to her. Maybe she let him mount her. Anyway...the music is loud, so she thinks I cant hear. However, I have excellent hearing and I dont miss a word.
She sits down. We introduce/exchange names. We order drinks. Blah, blah, blah, This goes on for about 5 minutes. Ok, now's the time to ask:
[ME] You a single girl? (I put her hand on my crotch)
[HER] Are you gonna tip me?
I hand her a $20 and unzip my pants. She starts stroking.
[HER] Yep, I'm single.
I allow this charade to go on for 2 months (among other mongering activities). We get to know each other. I find out her maiden name (begins with H) and that she has an ex hubby (last name began with G). She's taking courses at night to become a brain surgeon or a nuclear physicist or something. She tells me she has an extra night to finish a take-home test because they go in alphabetical order, by last name.
[ME] Why do you have extra time to finish the test?
[HER] My last name begins with a P.
I laugh, and she looks puzzled. The puzzled look disappears when I hand her a $20 and unzip my pants....
Thats what this thread is: GOLD! My sides hurt from laughing so much.
Here's one of mine:
Strippers have bad but mutually exclusive skills. When they tell the truth, they are tactless...and when they lie, they SUCK at it. At least they are consistent.
I ask a very pretty, but obviously somewhat older (~34) stripper to come to my table for an overpriced drink and some touchy-feely. Just before she gets to my table, she has a five minute conversation with some greasy-haired dude who is gonna re-mount her wedding ring as a favor to her. Maybe she let him mount her. Anyway...the music is loud, so she thinks I cant hear. However, I have excellent hearing and I dont miss a word.
She sits down. We introduce/exchange names. We order drinks. Blah, blah, blah, This goes on for about 5 minutes. Ok, now's the time to ask:
[ME] You a single girl? (I put her hand on my crotch)
[HER] Are you gonna tip me?
I hand her a $20 and unzip my pants. She starts stroking.
[HER] Yep, I'm single.
I allow this charade to go on for 2 months (among other mongering activities). We get to know each other. I find out her maiden name (begins with H) and that she has an ex hubby (last name began with G). She's taking courses at night to become a brain surgeon or a nuclear physicist or something. She tells me she has an extra night to finish a take-home test because they go in alphabetical order, by last name.
[ME] Why do you have extra time to finish the test?
[HER] My last name begins with a P.
I laugh, and she looks puzzled. The puzzled look disappears when I hand her a $20 and unzip my pants....