Sex

genius

genius

#1
#1
A well known sex researcher is giving a lecture. A large audience of around 200 people shows up of various ages. Pleased with the large turnout the lecturer says to the audience " I always like to start off my lectures with a question and use the answers in my research"

So lets start off with "people who have sex every day raise your hand"
About half the audience raise their hands

"how about every other day"
About 1/4 raise their hand.

"how about once a week"
About 10 percent raise their hand.

How about once a month
About 5 people raise their hand.

"and now for completeness of the survey, although I never have had anyone raise their hand - how about once a year"

An older, rather short and meek looking guy wearing large round spectacles has his hand up and vigorously waving it back and forth.

The researcher has a rather confused look on his face and says "sir - I'm confused that you obviously want everyone to know you only have sex once a year - may I ask why is that"

The guy yells out
"tonight's the night!"
 
backseat

backseat

#2
#2
Along the same lines:
There is a meeting of the Paranormal Society. The moderator asked the audience, "how many here have actually seen a ghost?" About half the audience raised their hands.
He then asked "how many people here have actually touched a ghost?" About 25% raised their hands.
The moderator then asked "has anyone here ever had sex with a ghost?" Older guy in the back is waving his hand. The moderator says "we've never had anyone at our meeting say they had sex with a ghost! Sir please come to the stage"

When he get to the stage the moderator says " please share you experience, tell the crowd what it was like to have sex with a ghost!"
he hand him the microphone, the guy says in a heavy scottish accent, " Oh laddie, I thought you said a GOAT!"
 
N

NewComplex

#3
#3
One day, a boat sinks. And upon the shores of a desert island, washed up three survivors of the boat: A man, a pig, and a large dog.
The man explores the island, and discovers it has plenty of food and fresh water to sustain him. The pig and dog can find food as well. So the man settles in and waits for help.
Time passes. The man starts to feel the pangs of loneliness.
It's then that he really notices the pig. Its plump, pink behind. The supple curves.
The man decides he must have the pig.
But every time he tries to make a move on the pig, the dog attacks him. The dog is too large and ferocious to control, and even almost bites the man. The man gives up, and mopes on how he is doomed to forever be unfulfilled.
... The next day, a gorgeous woman washes ashore. She is unconscious and injured, but the man does his best to save her. He works day and night nursing her, and finally, the woman revives.
"Thank you!" The woman exclaims. "You're a godsend! I'll do absolutely anything for you! Anything! Name it!"
The man look at the gorgeous woman before him.
He then looks at the pig.
He turns back to the woman, and says: "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
 
theshooter

theshooter

#4
#4
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
 
theshooter

theshooter

#5
#5
A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"
 
PerryWhite

PerryWhite

#8
#8
A guy goes to see his doctor and tells him that his girlfriend is pregnant. And then he adds that they always use a rubber and the rubber never broke. So he asks the doc, "How is that possible?"

The doctor explains, "Let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun when he went hunting. But one day, he grabbed his umbrella by mistake instead of the gun. When he's hunting, a lion suddenly jumps out in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter uses the umbrella like a gun and shoots the lion dead.

The patient, hearing this explanation, exclaims, "That's nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion."

The doctor simply replies, "Good! Now you understand the story. Next patient, please."
 
Banacek

Banacek

#10
#10
A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex.

Husband: "Sukitaki. Mojitaka!"

The wife replies: "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!"

The husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

The wife is on her knees, literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

The husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina tim kouji!"

I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this!

You don't know Japanese!

You'll read anything as long as it's about sex....

Sometimes I worry about you guys.

You're in need of serious help!
 
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