Senior Citizens

Banacek

Banacek

#1
#1
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice," he said pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?"
"I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

I thought it would be appropriate to post this in order to properly usher out winter.
 
Landru

Landru

#5
#5
A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine.
The doctor asks him about his sex life.

"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around and lurk on Utopia Guide for intel. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."

"My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said.

"I hope you took at least some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I read each of their threads on UG before contacting them and then told each of them my name was Zeke."
 
Banacek

Banacek

#6
#6
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt, revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."
 
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B

bomber6989

#7
#7
I was in the park the other day & saw this old man sitting on a bench & crying.
I went over & asked him what was wrong.
He replied "Today is my 85th birthday. One month ago I married a 25 year old woman. My wife is gorgeous with a fantastic body. Every morning we have fantastic sex and then she makes me breakfast. Every evening, she cooks a gourmet meal and we have even better sex for dessert."
I told him that sounded beautiful, he should be very happy. Than I asked why he was crying.
He answered "I forgot where I live!"
 
backseat

backseat

#8
#8
This old couple goes to the doctor, and he says, "doc, something is wrong, would you mind watching us have sex?" They have sex on the exam table, when they are done, they doctor says everything seems fine. The next week, they return to the doctor again, with the same result.
The third time they show up, the doctor asks, "What do you think is wrong, with your lovemaking with your wife?" He says, "first off, she not my wife. What's wrong is, the motel charges 60 bucks for 2 hours. We don't need two hours, and here it's only a $20 copay.
yuk yuk
 
genius

genius

#9
#9
deep thinking.jpg

View attachment 344

What deep thinkers retired men are

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."I rest my case.
Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
 
Banacek

Banacek

#12
#12
1544337357786.png

A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California , walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, '"We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25 in your account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"

REMEMBER:- Not All Seniors Are Senile...
 
Banacek

Banacek

#14
#14
1544850820644.png


Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.



 
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