This is a long ass post too big to fit in one posting alone. Why so long? Because you asked: "What make you hobby" ? I hobbied for over 15 years and learned some damned good lessons from it. I only want to share my story. Maybe it resonates with someone, maybe it doesn't. I'm only "paying it forward" so to speak.
This post is not going to be a normal post. I warn you now. I know there aren’t many like the one you’re about to read. Either I’m so in the minority (doubtful) or no one else either knows how to say it, or wants to say it. I will, loud and proud and clear as a bell. For 15 years I’d been in the life. AMP’s, RMP’s, even outcall providers every time my wife went on a business trip. Here’s the thing (because I do realize everyone here does that same thing) – I’m married, with a son. I know, some of you are probably saying “Yeah, so what? I’m married with kid(s) too”.
In the beginning of our relationship my wife and I had a great sex life. She was tall and beautiful and everyone thought she was a model. But because I was screwed up in the head from being molested by my second grade teacher, and screwed up even more by my parents growing up, once my wife got pregnant with our son I could no longer have sex with her. Why? She was a mother, and you can’t possibly do such degrading things to a mother. I loved her with all my heart, but I couldn’t touch her. Not in that way. A lot of men who use providers say that their wives don’t want sex. That wasn’t the case with my wife. She wanted it a lot. She was always asking for it. I did it once in a while with her- a few times a year, but I wasn’t really into it. Can you believe that? It seems so stupid now.
Then I got caught.
Yes, I got caught last year calling an AMP using my cellphone. My wife only noticed it because they were being raided by the cops at the time, and I was psycho dialing the number because they weren’t picking up. My wife knows that I don’t want to talk to anyone that badly, so that started the ball rolling. A quick Google search of the number revealed that it belonged to a mamasan that had already been arrested three times before. Very soon after that came the flood of hurtful truths of what I was doing. I remember standing in my kitchen having to have to tell my wife what kind of perverted, sick bastard I was all while being married. But one thing I knew immediately. I love my wife and I wanted nothing more than to stay with her, and her to stay with me. I begged her to give me a year for me to sort my problems out.
Now at this point, if your first reaction is to mock me or get defensive, you might want to skip the rest of this post. If you’re interested in getting out of the endless cycle of “the life” then keep reading. You might have gotten so used to lying to your wife or SO that you forgot what made you start mongering in the first place, and you probably think there’s no way you could ever come clean because you’ll lose your family, so you live your life having to keep covering your tracks. But let’s face it. It’s exhausting living your life having to worry about covering your tracks all the time. I'm not trying to change anyone's minds, just trying to share my experience in the hopes that maybe, after all the damage I did and the pain I've caused, I might be able to help one, just one person feel better about themselves and take the steps to get help so they can lighten their emotional load and finally feel good inside. Take my comments with a grain of salt and move on if you wish. That's your choice.
There are several things I learned going through a life changing event like this one – I call them Hammer Fall events, because they strike like a hammer and do enormous damage very, very quickly and in one central location. The first is that the best, and indeed only course of action is to come clean completely all on the first, or within the first three days. I say three days because depending on your partner’s strength, they might not be able to take all that truth all at once, but it must get to them as soon as possible. Holding anything – anything – back will lead to certain backlashes later, guaranteed. You must purge your soul of all that weighs you down emotionally. I’m not a nut who believes in healing crystals or the power of prayer- I’m an Atheist who thinks all the California-centric tantric healing is nonsense. What I mean by purging your soul is that you have to release the things that will hold you back from realizing why you are who you are and why you do what you do.
Now for some bitter irony. I did not do the above- at all. I minimalized my place and role in my extra-marital shenanigans so much so that I only admitted to hand-jobs from AMP’s, and only within the last few years. Nothing long term, nothing that made me look too bad (considering). I marginalized my role in all of it, and I felt “justified” in doing so because I would be sparing my partner, whom I really did love, from the pain and anguish of knowing what a complete ass she was married to. Is that so bad? Doesn’t sound too bad. I didn’t want to hurt her with my facts. Nonsense. She DESERVES the truth. This is a part of the process you cannot get around. There is a very simple method of operation to this phase: Make sure when your mouth opens, it is answering any question he/she has and truthfully. Easy enough. What I did not think about was the inner investigative reporter she really was. Knowing a few choice facts, as well as phone numbers now, she did her investigating and soon discovered, time and time again, that I had been lying to her and things stretched further back, and were far saucier, than I had led her to previously believe. Having been caught red-handed with the findings that I had been calling places like that for much longer than I admitted earlier, I would capitulate and add that to my narrative, but stopped there and stood my ground. “This is all I’ve done” I would explain. “There is no more to tell”.
Wrong. She kept digging, and found more. This went on for a few times until all there was that I HAD done, had been discovered. She found all my online profiles, and all my online reviews, and she read them all, including my profile here. She was able to reconstruct my entire mongering lifestyle. I say that to head off the cynics who will say “I’ll bet she doesn’t know about the whores who were in her bedroom.” But yes, she does. She knows all of it. The problem was I wasn’t the one to tell her the facts. She found them out herself. Now put yourself in that position. Would you believe anything that came from those lips anymore? I can read your mind. You said “No, I wouldn’t”. THIS is why coming clean in the beginning (or very close to it) is so vitally important to your later self. Let that be your first lesson. It is near impossible to gain the trust back after lying so much. How my wife had the strength to stay with me after all that is beyond my comprehension. But she did. You may not be so lucky.
******* continued on next post **********
