If providers told the truth with their KEEP CALM posters

You all know those KEEP CALM posters. Well a member* just gave me an idea when he mentioned how seeing those posters in provider ads makes him smile and chuckle.

So, if providers told the truth in their ads with KEEP CALM posters, what would they say?

*thnx chumpmatic for the inspiration
**special thnx to Joyboy for the generator link and for correcting me on the saying without actually saying so
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