You know, it's really funny. I participate on many online forums -- most of which are about tame topics like books, movies, etc. -- and I often get similar responses to some of the ones I've received here (and please understand that I'm not chastising anyone -- this has been a fun, helpful discussion). People often suspect that I have "issues" or that I'm not really enjoying something that I claim to enjoy.
Maybe this will put some things into perspective: culturally, I'm a New York, Woody-Allen-ish Jew. In other words, I'm not ashamed to be neurotic, and feeling completely comfortable is totally alien to me.
I continiually have what feels to me like Twilight Zone experiences, in which I confess to (what seems to me me like) garden-variety concerns and, whereas I expect people to say, "Yeah, I often feel that way, too," instead they tell me that I have issues; that I need serious therapy; etc.
Put another way, I'm a financialy successful person, but I worry about going broke; I'm healthy, but I worry about being sick; I've published several books, have several college degrees and have mastered a really complex job, but I continually feel I'm not very smart. Naturally, whether my wife fucks 40 other guys -- or just me -- I'm going to feel insecure about my love life. Why wouldn't I? I feel insecure about everything else in my life.
By the way, I also feel that I have the best marriage in the world; I feel that I'm brilliant; I feel incredibly successful; I feel brimming with health.
It just depends on the day.
I always figured most people are like that -- that most people aren't super confident or super anxious, but instead that most people vascilate between the two. Either I'm wrong about that or people are unwilling to show all sides of themsevles. Maybe people feel that if they don't admit to anxiety, they won't feel anxiety. "The power of positive thinking." That's fine, but it's not me. I feel more comfortable with honesty.
I agree that if you're going to open the your marriage, it would be best to be 100% secure, confident and without jelousy. Maybe there are people like that (who are also deeply in love with their spouces), but I've never met any of them. If they exist, they must be really rare. Frankly, I doubt I'd be comfortable around someone like that. That sounds like a animatronic. I'm more attracted to people with some imperfections.
Artie, my wife DOES get more action, but I should put things into perspective. Neither of us gets much action. We are way too busy. Due to the nature of this forum, you're only hearing about one facet of my life. But yes, of the tiny bit of action we get, she gets a larger piece of the pie. And often that's my doing.
Last year, I went to Vegas by myself (for work), and she called me in my hotel room and told me to hire an escort. I didn't do it. It sounded like fun, but I was too busy and too tired. When I got back, she was disappointed in me. When we go to lap dance clubs, she always wants to buy me dances. I let her, but I'm generally more interested in buying them for her and watching. I have some interest in an FFM threesome (and we've had fun doing that before), but I have zero interest in a MMF. Until I came, I had a blast watching her with that guy. But I would not have wanted to join it.
Again, the jealouy -- which is definitely there, though it isn't intense -- is part of the thrill. The best I can do is liken it to a roller-coaster ride.
