Fowarded E-Males

[EddyBearNY]

I get a lot of funny e-males forwarded to me. Sometimes I laugh for days! I started this thread so I can post the body of the e-males forward to me. The miss spellings were intentional, as the site deletes that word.

I am starting with a few I have, and I hope others will follow. It will also be interesting to see how many of us received the same ones.

This thread is only for comical ones. Nothing religious or political.

 

[EddyBearNY]

Pick up lines

Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh? Just enough to break the ice. How you doing, my name is ______"

First, you use one finger and do the "come here" motion with it. then when the girl comes over...."I made you come with one finger, imagine what I can do with 2"

Excuse me miss... If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?

WOW... You look exactly like my 4th ex-wife.... When she says how many times have you been married.... the answer is... 3.

"Hey, why don't we go back to my place, get a pizza and ****?" After she looks at you in disgust, respond with, "What, you don't like pizza?"

How do you like your eggs in the morning? Scrambled, fried, or fertilized?

if your left leg is Christmas and your right leg is Easter, mind if I come up and spend some time between the holidays?"

Q: "Do you want to dance?"
A: "No."
R: "What? I think you misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

"Are you from Memphis??"....."Because you're the only Ten-I-See"

 

[EddyBearNY]

Real Smart Cookie

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Jane, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.

She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Jane the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

John then quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Jane answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

 

[EddyBearNY]

Wedding Test

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding vitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[EddyBearNY]

The Coffin

A pretty woman was serving a life sentence in prison. Angry and resentful about her situation, she had decided that she would rather die than to live another year in prison. Over the years she had become good friends with one of the prison caretakers. His job, among others, was to bury those prisoners. Who died in a graveyard just outside the prison walls? When a prisoner died, the caretaker rang a bell, which was heard by everyone.

The caretaker then got the body and put it in a casket. Next, he entered his office to fill out the death certificate before returning to the casket to nail the lid shut. Finally, he put the casket on a wagon to take it to the graveyard and bury it. Knowing this routine, the woman devised an escape plan and shared it with the caretaker.

The next time the bell rang, the woman would leave her cell and sneak into the dark room where the coffins were kept. She would slip into the coffin with the dead body while the caretaker was filling out the death certificate. When the care-taker returned, he would nail the lid shut and take the coffin outside the prison with the woman in the coffin along with the dead body. He would then bury the coffin. The woman knew there would be enough air for her to breathe until later in the evening when the caretaker would return to the graveyard under the cover of darkness, dig up the coffin, open it, and set her free. The caretaker was reluctant to go along with this plan, but since he and the woman had become good friends over the years, he agreed to do it.

The woman waited several weeks before someone in the prison died. She was asleep in her cell when she heard the death bell ring. She got up, picked the lock of her cell, and slowly walked down the hallway. She was nearly caught a couple of times. Her heart was beating fast. She opened the door to the darkened room where the coffins were kept. Quietly in the dark, she found the coffin that contained the dead body, carefully climbed into the coffin and pulled the lid shut to wait for the caretaker to come and nail the lid shut. Soon she heard footsteps and the pounding of the hammer and nails. Even though she was very uncomfortable in the coffin with the dead body, she knew that with each nail she was one step closer to freedom.

The coffin was lifted onto the wagon and taken outside to the graveyard. She could feel the coffin being lowered into the ground. She didn't make a sound as the coffin hit the bottom of the grave with a thud. Finally she heard the dirt dropping onto the top of the wooden coffin, and she knew that it was only a matter of time until she would be free at last. After several minutes of absolute silence, she began to laugh. She was free! She was free! Feeling curious, she decided to light a match to find out the identity of the dead prisoner beside her. To her horror, she discovered that she was lying next to the dead caretaker.

MORAL of the Lesson: Many people believe they have life all figured out... but sometimes it just doesn't turn out the way they planned it.

 

[EddyBearNY]

Fish Story

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck, "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" "Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em
swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth, Mr. government Man. I'll show ya. It really works." "O. K," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden said, "Well?" "Well, what?" said the redneck. The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH!", replied the warden. "What fish?", replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some!

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

 

[EddyBearNY]

Frog Story

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas " They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit KissMe." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, this is how the girl ended up in my room!

 

[EddyBearNY]

Seven Dollar Sex

$7 SEX:

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex
therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for
you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual
intercourse? ' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is
so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual
advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor
says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you
have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them
good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The
next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no
problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3
months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I
have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man
says, 'We're not trying to f ind ou t anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and
we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139

We do it here
For $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

 

[EddyBearNY]

Face Lift

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope; I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily!

A little while later, she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?'

He completes one lasts squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonald's.'

 

[57676]

all good stuff. thanks 4 posting

 

[wolf5958]

HOW to SAVE the AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

 

[SlickWilly]

I have some great ideas sometimes, don't I?

 

[wolf5958]

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Hillary fans.

Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher,
all the kids raised their hands except for (of course) Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... Again.

Little Johnny says, 'Because I'm not a Hillary fan.'

The teacher says, 'Why aren't you a Hillary fan?'

Johnny says, 'Because I'm a Republican.'

The teacher asks why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my mom's a Republican and my dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican'.

The teacher asks, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Little Johnny replies, 'That would make me a Hillary fan.

 

[wolf5958]

Women to Avoid

~The Deviant~

At first, the Deviant is a lot of fun, the bad girl down the block your mother always told you to stay away from. In the beginning, it's a kick to be with her. She's always doing the unexpected. If the light says red, she zooms through. If there's a new illegal drug, she's the first to try it. If there's a new illicit or amoral activity, she gets excited and can't wait to do it.


The Deviant is irresistible in bed, where her deviant behavior really shines. No matter what sex act you've imagined, she'll be willing to try it. If you haven't thought of it, she will. That's why you find it so hard to leave her, even after you've bailed her out of jail a few times on assorted charges and she's almost gotten you arrested too. Deep in your heart, you know there will never be sex like this again. You know your deviant woman is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to experience true decadence.



The biggest problem with the Deviant is that she gets you into trouble. Trouble with the police, the DMV, the IRS, your parents, your boss, your landlord, your friends, and anyone else who is a regular member of straight society. Besides, no matter how much fun she seems to be having with you, the Deviant is really just a thrill whore -- she'll perform fellatio on you in the front seat of a sports car at 120 miles per hour, but if some guy suggests screwing while skydiving, she'll be gone in a flash.




~The True Believer~

The True Believer is on the cutting edge of whatever new philosophy, psychology, or new-wave woo-woo comes along. She's a channeler, an astrologer, a fortune-teller, a healer, a yogi, a spiritual master -- and whatever she's into at the moment, it's the true answer to all the world's problems.


She has a Ouija board, Tarot cards, I Ching coins, yoga and meditation tapes, healing music, and a roomful of crystals. She's open to anything, including you, as long as you believe.



So you follow her out into the desert in the middle of the night to wait for spaceship Moonbeam to land and take you off into the next world, and so what if it doesn't come? You've done a lot more for women and had a lot less fun.



One man I know gave up a thriving law practice to follow a True Believer on a trek across India. They were both to have come back as gods. True story. What happened is they broke up. Walking across India can get old if you don't believe enough.



The True Believer does have some advantages, though. She doesn't eat meat and she doesn't drink, so she's a cheap date. She comes with a built-in group of friends and preset rules. You never have to make any decisions, you just have to follow along with the group, and believe, believe, believe. Of course, the first time you guffaw during a seance, the romance is over.




~The Timebomb~

The TimeBomb is an emotional lethal weapon that goes off with no warning just when you think your life is under control.


The most frightening thing about the TimeBomb is that she looks so normal on the surface; you can't tell she's a TimeBomb until she explodes on you a couple of times. She's the type who gets drunk at an important business dinner and pours a Martini over your boss's head. Or she has an affair with your best friend and gets pregnant, and you don't know whose kid it is. Or she starts yelling, "I don't, I don't!" in the middle of your wedding ceremony. Or she just disappears one day, leaving you with 10-month-old Junior.



She's so cute and seemed so perfect that you overlook the clues which were there all along. Her parents have given up on her, none of her ex-boyfriends is speaking to her, and she usually doesn't live close to home, because she needs new territory, some place where people don't know her yet. Timebombs always seem too good to be true -- and they are.



Unless it's her disappearing act, you take back after a blowup, because she seems so sweet that you're sure it was an aberration. Slowly, the hard way, you learn it's not an aberration; it's a pattern. So no matter how many times she promises to behave, don't believe her. You can be sure another blowup is brewing. It's just a matter of time.




~Lolita~

Lolita is so adorable, so affectionate, so malleable, so sexy, and so young. She looks up to you as the wise teacher and you love the role. You imagine yourself molding her into the grown-up woman of your dreams. You'll just keep her around until she's matured into your own little Stepford Wife, showing her the ropes, keeping her pure and sheltered. If you really believe that, you need your head examined.


Actually, she's just discovered her sexual power and is trying it out on you. She's also probable jailbait, but you don't care. You're flattered at your ability to attract a much younger woman and couldn't care less what anyone says. What she really wants is to get even with Daddy by screwing you, and as soon as some twenty-year-old Adonis shows up, she'll leave you and shower him with all the wonderful pleasures you've taught her how to provide. Inexperienced lout that he is, he won't appreciate her, which will only make her love him more.



She'll possibly be ready for a serious relationship in about fifteen years, but by that time you'll be too old to enjoy her.




~The Starlet~

Breathlessly gorgeous, the Starlet is the ultimate armpiece at a cocktail party. Once you start a conversation with her, though, the image is shattered.

There's nothing more disconcerting than finding out that the woman of your dreams wants to be a Playboy centerfold -- "Seriously, sure! I mean, you know, just to get my career started!"
You'll probably have her for about two dates if you promise to introduce her to your brother-in-law at the William Morris Agency. She's always looking for bigger game, though, so keep an eye on her. Kissinger was right: "Power is an aphrodisiac." Let her meet an actor, ex-astronaut, or even a newsworthy politician, and she's gone for the night. She'll be back in the morning, though.



You'll often see pictures of a nice normal guy marrying a Starlet type, looking naively happy on his wedding day. A year later in the divorce news, you'll see the same guy looking shell-shocked and threadbare. Very few starlets get to be stars. When they don't, they invariably blame the men in their lives and either make them miserable or dump them. If you get hooked on a Starlet, you're dippier than she is.

 

[wolf5958]

Women to Avoid part 2

~The Achiever~

The Achiever already makes more money than you do, and she likes it that way. It gives her power she's too insecure to live without.


On the surface, the Achiever may look like the dream woman of the 1990s. She's bright, witty, and attractive. If you're the kind of guy who's not put off by high-powered women, you find it flattering that she's chosen you over all the high-powered guys she meets at work.



In the beginning, your romance with the Achiever is a rush. You enjoy the fast pace, the time-is-more-important-than- money lifestyle. You even have occasional fantasies of being a kept man, of living a life of leisure on her terrific salary.



Then her secretary calls to tell you that she's off to the airport for an out-of-town meeting and can't make the trip to Hawaii you'd been planning for six months. Or she proposes going into business together. She's got it all figured out, and she can raise the money. Soon after that, your ulcers start. If the business is a failure, your relationship falls apart. More likely, the business will be a roaring success, and you'll never see her without making an appointment with her administrative assistant.



Life with the Achiever means you come after the achievement. Whatever is going on in your relationship is trivial compared with her next presentation, merger, sale, or promotion. And you can forget a home life. For her, quality time together is a round of golf shared with some visiting businessmen. Like the famous scene in the movie "Network" with Faye Dunaway, she won't have sex unless she can reach the bedside phone, in case there's a business call.



The Achiever is hell to live with, but you won't get sympathy from anyone. She'll claim she's doing it all "for us." Your parents will be in awe of her and think you're a complainer, and your male friends will say you got just what you deserve.




~The Virgin~

--or almost. The Virgin has never had an orgasm before, and may never again without your constant attention. And now she loves you, loves you, loves you, like an adoring puppy. Of course, if the relationship doesn't work out, it's all your fault, since she was a virgin, or almost, before she got involved with you.


Fooling around with the Virgin is fun for a while, but it's like the electric company. Once you turn on the juice, you have to keep paying the bills. And paying and paying. Most Virgins aren't very practiced at birth control, so they often get pregnant, and they definitely don't believe in abortion. So you're stuck, for life -- with the Virgin, the Virgin's parents, church choir, and a very conservative lifestyle.



Of course, it's an ego trip to think that you're the guy who finally broke through her reserve, that only you can make Ms. Frigid act like a sexual lunatic in bed. But the ego massage lasts only so long, and then you realize that the only thing you saw in her was the challenge.




~The Man-hater~

Accept it. Some women just don't like men, often with good cause. The Man-Hater loves to find a nice guy like you who'll stand there while she takes out her hostility for what other men have done to her. You'll wind up paying for the misdeeds of every man in her life, from the boy who tormented her in kindergarten to her younger brother, her father, and especially her first husband.


Man-Haters look like ordinary women when you meet them, but there are signs of incipient man-hating. Man-Haters consistently put down men and praise women. In the beginning, the Man-Hater pretends that you're different from all those other men who've treated her badly, but soon she begins to see signs that you're really not. By this time, you're in love with her, so you try to convince her by the power of your love that you're one of the good guys.



The trouble with a Man-Hater is that she doesn't recognize a good guy when she gets one. Even the smallest indiscretion, like leaving the toilet seat up or not being able to find something when it's right under your nose, will reveal the permanent unforgivable rotten core she sees lurking inside all men.



The Man-Hater often covers her basic dislike and mistrust of all men with feminist grievances. She's not putting down men, she's defending women.



No matter how much you love a Man-Hater, you won't be able to make up for the wrongs suffered by her and all the other women in the world, which she'll expect you to do. Don't even think about being the good guy who changes her mind about men.




~The Waffler~

The Waffler just can't make up her mind. She can't decide if she wants you or someone else. She can't decide if she wants to have a relationship or just fool around. One week she's a member of the girls-just-want-to-have-fun club, and the next she's talking about having babies.


The Waffler hates making dates in advance. "Call me Friday and we'll talk about Saturday night." Or "I won't know until I talk to my veterinarian to see how my sick cat is doing." Greed keeps the Waffler from making any irrevocable decisions.

If she commits to going out with you too soon, well, something better may just come along and then where will she be?

The Waffler breaks dates all the time, because something better does come along or because she simply changes her mind. The Waffler has a fantasy man in mind and a fantasy relationship. Since nobody's reality ever lives up to her fantasies, a Waffler who makes a date ahead of time begins to dread the date as it approaches. She knows you can never be as terrific as she is hoping you'll be.



One reason the Waffler isn't fun to be with is because she's never happy in the moment. She's always yearning for someone else, someone taller, stronger, richer, better in bed -- someone she'll never find.




~The Walking Wounded~

Because she is just divorced or ending a long-term relationship, the Walking Wounded needs an interim relationship while she figures out what happened, who she is, where her self-esteem went, and what she's going to do with her life.


Should you make the mistake of accepting the assignment, you'll be in for an unlimited amount of crying towel duty. The Walking Wounded will spend hours telling you how that monster did her wrong. She'll replay her last relationship ad nauseum, and your life will be filled with stories of what he did yesterday and today and what he's going to do tomorrow.



She spends most of her time talking, thinking, wondering, worrying about him instead of you. You'll always feel like she loves him more than she loves you even though he treated her so badly; and so you try harder to treat her even better. You bring flowers, you tell her you love her forty times a day, you buy her presents. But no matter what you do, the shadow of her broken heart hangs over your relationship.



Let some other guy be her interim relationship.




~The Supervisor~

The Supervisor is a perfectionist who goes around assessing the performance of the world to see if it lives up to her exalted standards. Since nothing is ever perfect, she's constantly telling you what's wrong with everything.


At first, it can be flattering that someone with such high expectations and good taste has chosen you. So it's you and she, the two perfect people, lined up against an imperfect world. But soon you start to realize the imperfections in each other, and you turn on each other.



She realizes that your lapels are three-eighths of an inch too wide and that you're wearing last year's cuff. No sooner does she get all your clothes updated than she realizes that something is wrong with your job, or your car, or your apartment. Finding things wrong with the world is her way of life, so she can be very difficult to live with on an everyday basis.



You begin to realize that no matter what you do, no matter how much you let her run your life, it's still not perfect enough. When she realizes that you can't do anything right, she takes over living for you. Eventually, either you succumb, have a frontal lobotomy, and spend the rest of your life following her around; or you grow a beard and start wearing clothes from the Salvation Army to get her out of your life.

 

[apr144]

Chili taster

Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.

The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.



Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. bitch is starting to look HOT . . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!



Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.



Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

 

[SlickWilly]

One day Joe dreams that he died and went to heaven.

He gets to the pearly gates and St. Peter is there surrounded by hordes of naked women.

Joe says, “If I’m dead, you must be St. Peter.”

St. Peter replies, “That’s correct my son.”

“So if I’m in heaven, does that mean I can have anything I want?”

“Yes,” St. Peter replies.

“Then I’d like to have some pussy with that cute blonde over there,” Joe said.

“Of course,” St. Peter tells him.

So, Joe heads off with the blonde. A half hour later, he returns and says, “I’d like to get some pussy from that brunette.”

St. Peter sends them off. A half hour later, Joe returns and has a pained look on his face. He tells St. Peter he has to take a sheet. St. Peter tells him to go over to the end of the cloud, hang his ass over and it and do it. Then he tells him to tear a piece of the cloud off to wipe his ass.

Suddenly, Joe wakes up from his wife shaking him furiously. He asks, “What the Hell is wrong with you?”

She replies: “I don’t mind you calling me St. Peter. I also don’t mind you fucking me all night and I don’t even mind the shit in my face. But when you wipe your ass on my new sheets, that’s when I stop the show!”