The most important "be safe" point of all...

Thorn

Thorn

#1
#1
Way back when on JAG I posted a 10 point way to be involved with this "hobby" and stay out of trouble.

People seemed to like it, thought it worked and eventually it became known as Dr. Thorn's 10 point plan to stay safe while hobbying. Someday I am going to dig it up and post it again. [Anyone here from those JAG days that has it please feel free to either send it to me or post it here.. since I will have to do some truly deep digging to turn it up.]


The most important point though was this:

Make time for your wife and treat her like she is the only one.

In such a way will you not only make her feel good about herself and you but give her good cause to feel that there is no time or desire in your life for anyone else but her. Thus making you much safer.

Women can be people who operate on both emotion and intuition. If their emotional state is happy and their intuition says you are being a devout husband they have little reason to be suspicious and you gain a multitude in latitude to move about.

Not only that but if you are anything like me you are only truly happy when your wife is happy. She sets the tone for the household and my household is the rock in the bay at the edge of the sea of life I set my dock at. If I can dock at a quiet bay I don't care how stormy the sea gets. I can deal with it. If the bay gets choppy, my life really starts to suck.

So making your wife happy makes her life better, and doesn't she deserve it your cheating scum [JUST KIDDING :) after all I am one of you too], makes YOUR life better because you have peace and tranquility at home, and makes you safer to hobby your ass off if that is what you choose to do with your ass. :)

wishing well...
 
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biohazard

Moderator
#2
#2
Glad you wrote about this! I was having a conversation about this with my SO yesterday; her friend was complaining that her husband hasn’t touched her in 3 weeks. The friend went on to say that the husband rarely initiates the sex and can go as long as a month or two without.

Now naturally she’s getting suspicious and wants to get private eye. I don’t know if this guy is cheating or there is another underlying problem, but if he was cheating he’s creating too much heat for himself! If he would initiate once in a while even if it was at a time he knows she would say no, he would be covered.
 
J

johnpet

#6
#6
It's why I hate discussion "prostitution" with anyone because I get into these black and white "it's wrong or not wrong" conversations. There's about 20 working parts as I why I consider myself very happily married yet see providers. Too much to discuss here however....

I agree - if you love your wife treat her well and pay attention to her. If the reason you see providers is because you don't love your wife anymore you owe it to her to open that discussion where divorce might be an option.

If you do love your wife she doesn't deserve less attention because of your hobby.
 
Thorn

Thorn

#9
#9
So, ideas to help the married contingent here?

We've already heard the notion of initiating sex, which is a very good idea and one of the places many, many, married hobbyists create traps for themselves. By seeking gratification elsewhere and skipping sex at home married men cause wives to become suspicious. They aren't stupid. They know most men are sexual creatures and if they aren't looking for it at home they are probably getting it taken care of elsewhere.

So making sure your wife knows you still desire her sexually by initiating sex at home is a very important way of not only making yourself happy but making sure she doesn't suspect your paying for sex on the side.

One of the things I do myself is "date night". Once a week or so I make a point of taking my wife out for a nice evening. A literal date, just like before we were married. It doesn't have to be fancy. Its usually just a diner our, maybe a movie. Dancing, perhaps, before my bad back and hip were an issue. :)

What are some of the things you other married fellows do?

What are some examples of times you felt, or knew, you were hanging by your last fingernail on the edge of the cliff because your wife had suspicions? How did you deal with those?

Pass them along to remind yourself, and so that others may learn from your experience.
 
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More4me

#10
#10
My SO and I have sex far, far too infrequently for me (ie, not even weekly; it is really why I hobby) so conversely, initiating isn't a problem for me. But I once came home after seeing a provider, and unexpectedly my SO was home. She took one look at me and said "Wow, you look like you just had sex. Hmmmm, you didn't... did you?" I laughed out loud, joking about what a stud I am not, and said mockingly "Well we could always jump in bed right now and you could find out if there's anything left..." She quickly got busy in the kitchen, but continued to press, although in good-natured manner - but we all know in any such joking there is at least a hint of truth. In return, while professing my devotion I continued to press on jumping in the sack -- because that is what I would normally do, and what she'd expect me to do (so to me, that's the lesson)... if I'd acted differently here, it could have turned ugly, I think. Thankfully she didn't call my bluff and I didn't risk not 'performing'. While I had thankfully showered at the provider's place (thank gawd), she had drained me and I don't know if there was anything left in the tank for the SO that particular evening. Maybe another small lesson there -- time the encounters well for this reason.
 
H

heydave

#11
#11
I've had that problem where I come home from seeing a provider and the wife wants to oingo boingo. If I'm drained and can't perform, I just act all embarrassed and say I've had a stressful day. She says its okay and doesn't want to embarrass me any further. But I never refuse the invite and I remember to periodically initiate.
 
J

JXM

Bronze
#12
#12
Thorn said:
So, ideas to help the married contingent here?

We've already heard the notion of initiating sex, which is a very good idea and one of the places many, many, married hobbyists create traps for themselves. By seeking gratification elsewhere and skipping sex at home married men cause wives to become suspicious. They aren't stupid. They know most men are sexual creatures and if they aren't looking for it at home they are probably getting it taken care of elsewhere.

So making sure your wife knows you still desire her sexually by initiating sex at home is a very important way of not only making yourself happy but making sure she doesn't suspect your paying for sex on the side.
Click to expand...
Although if you are married to someone that is ambivalent about sex this is meaningless. During the first 3 or 4 years of my marriage we had more fights about sex caused by my initiation of it than we had actual sex. Now we rarely have it, but we also never fight about it. As a matter of fact, we almost never fight about anything.

I think the trap that people get into is that we try to tell other people that what works for them works for other people. If there is ONE thing you need to do in a marriage is this:

Pay attention to what she wants and needs, and meet those wants and needs.

I think this is what Thorn is trying to say, but I think he is being too specific about it because that is what HIS wife needs in order to stay happy.
 
J

JXM

Bronze
#13
#13
I would also add that I think most guys that see providers aren't really happy in their marriages and if there were easy outs (without dealing with finances, kids, perception, etc) that they'd just leave.

Given that, it isn't really that easy to pretend that she's the only one, when you'd rather that she wasn't there at all.

My only problem in my marriage is lack of sex (aside from her spending habits LOL). But most guys have a lot of other issues in their marriage that they aren't going to be able to mask, just in order to cover their tracks to fuck around. Faking it brings lots of self-loathing and is very unhealthy.
 
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