Mrs. Chong's Debut - Act Two
First Cheerleader: They're talking to each other now. I liked it much better when they weren't talking. Not that either of them is really saying anything.
Second Cheerleader: Or recognizing that we're here in the room with them.
Third Cheerleader: The internal logic of their attempts at dialogue will soon dictate what happens. One spoken thought will call for another to be spoken in response.
First Cheerleader: Until their conversation resembles an endless stream of polite statements. ---- I'm bored. Let's fuck the catatonics. You can usually get them hard enough for a good ride.
Second Cheerleader: It's either that or we get Ruth to turn on the TV so that we can watch the Home Shopping Network.
Third Cheerleader: Fat chance she'll turn on the TV in the middle of a session. ---- When you stop and thing about it, fucking the catatonics is a wonderful side benefit to being invited into Ruth's sessions. She takes all the risks for us.
First Cheerleader: Our reputations are preserved intact.
Second Cheerleader: And we get to do things we wouldn't normally be allowed to do.
Third Cheerleader: Like strangle a man while you're fucking him and watch him die as he comes. I'd never get to do that outside of these places. There would be legal repercussions, complications.
First Cheerleader: Yes, I agree. Murdering a man to satisfy your curiosity wouldn't be permitted in the real world. (Addressing Morgan) Heh, Mister. You seem to be in charge. Would you mind if we had sex with the other johns?
Morgan (addressing First Cheerleader): They're not in a position to provide their consent. Under the circumstances, I'll have to say no.
Second Cheerleader: We promise not to strangle them.
Third Cheerleader: We'll be on our best behavior. We'll even take them somewhere else so you don't have to watch. Unless, of course, you'd like to watch or have us just do you.
Morgan: Sorry, ladies. Some principles cannot be waived. Sex requires consent. ---- I'll pass on your offer. I prefer my Cheerleaders to be younger and less inclined to murder me.
First Cheerleader (in an offended tone): You're no fun. (Addressing Waiter) Waiter, excuse me. Are there any vacant rooms we could use for the rest of the night? We'd just like to watch a little TV.
Waiter: The room next door is empty until morning. It's a single though, and might be a little cramped for the three of you. Room service and clean-up charges are extra.
Second Cheerleader: Do you take Discover cards?
Waiter (addressing Second Cheerleader): Sorry. We only accept Visa, MasterCard and American Express. I'm not allowed to take cash or checks. It's against the rules.
Third Cheerleader: My card! I call it! I only need twenty more frequent flyer miles to take Jim and the twins to Paris.
First Cheerleader: We went last year. I suppose it's only fair.
Mr. Ed (addressing Cheerleaders): Any chance you ladies might be interested in a little equine company?
Second Cheerleader (addressing Mr. Ed): I'm not all that fond of Palominos. There's something gawky and stupid about them. No offense, but give me a Morgan any day of the week. I've always found them to be the most sensible and loyal of mounts. I love their deep bodies and lovely heads. I'm especially fond of chestnuts. For variety sometimes, though, a buckskin, bay or brown can suit me.
Third Cheerleader: I prefer a Tennessee Walking Horse for my riding. They're affectionate, gentle and intelligent. All excellent qualities in either a man or a horse. I adore their flat foot walk with its slow, bold and even gait. I also love their running walk. You get a special gliding motion with that one. A bobbing of the head accompanies each step and they snap their teeth in time. They can sustain this for long distances without fatigue to either themselves or me. Best of all though is their rocking chair gait. It's so full of spring, rhythm and grace. Forget your Arabians, Appaloosas, Russian Trotters and Swedish Warm Bloods, I can go on forever with a big black Tennessee Walking Horse.
First Cheerleader: If you really wanted to test your mettle, you'd go all out and try a Clydesdale or a Vladimir Heavy Draft. In my experience, there's nothing like a Clydesdale for steady powerful action. On the other hand, if you're in the mood for something more responsive, the Shetland Pony is your best bet. They're always gentle and let you be in complete control. And that's all that counts when you stop and think about it.
Second Cheerleader: But the Shetland Pony can't jump like the American Walking Pony can. They have this special thing they do. It's called the Pleasure Walk. I absolutely love their Pleasure Walk. Their Merry Walk is pretty good too. That always makes me feel girlish inside.
Third Cheerleader (addressing Mr. Ed): You can talk. That's something in your favor. Most of the animals we meet in Ruth's sessions can't hold up their end of the conversation. We have to spell things out for them and lead them along. ---- Ever do three women at once?
Mr. Ed: Sure. Lots of times. I can go all night. In Bob's sessions, I'm not a gelding. I'm as good as the day I was born and fully functional. You can switch on and off as much as you want. I'm not picky like some. One woman is as good as another in my book. You all look pretty much the same to me. My tongue never gets tired either. And I promise I won't even think about Greek unless you absolutely insist. Any kind of blowjobs you girls want to give me are just fine with me too. ---- Any of you ladies know how to give a prostate massage? For me, that's what really puts the kick in a foursome.
First Cheerleader: Full fist all the way up to the shoulder. Then a little bit of the old in and out.
Mr. Ed: That's it. I'm in love again.
Waiter (addressing Third Cheerleader): It'll be extra for the horse. He'll want some oats and water, and the carpet will need a deep cleaning afterwards.
(The Waiter processes the Third Cheerleader's credit card and hands her a receipt.)
Father O'Hara: Mr. Ed, you're about to commit grave sins with these women. Don't you think you should stop and consider what you're about to do? It's effect on your spiritual development?
Mr. Ed (addressing Father O'Hara): I'll see you next week in confession.
(The Cheerleaders and Mr. Ed exit the room.)
Bob (opening up his eyes and looking down at Ruth to address her in a hopeful conversational tone): Do you think we'll have a hard winter? The leaves turned color so quickly this year. It seems certain that it'll be a lot colder than it was last winter.
Ruth (looking up and addressing Bob in an emotionally responsive tone): I hope it's not cold. Harsh weather can be hard on a woman's skin. We're much more delicate than men, you know.
Bob (addressing Ruth): Oh, I know you are. But it can be hard on men's skin too. I have to use a moisturizer when it gets really cold or I turn into lizard.
Ruth (addressing Bob): That sounds horrible. You have to take care of yourself when the temperature dips. I always have extra moisturizer with me. I'll put some on you in the colder months when you come see me.
Bob (addressing Ruth): I'm looking forward to that.
(Ruth returns to performing the Courtesan Special with lots of tender stomach and chest touching thrown in. Bob closes his eyes, leans back in his chair and smiles.)
Ethel: Frank, there's an 1870 Shield Nickel on the sidewalk. If you skip the elevator, you'll get to it before somebody else picks it up.
(Frank puts down his newspaper, gets up out of his chair, quickly runs to the open window and jumps out. His screams are heard as he falls through the air on his way to smashing head first into the sidewalk eight stories below.)
Morgan (addressing Ethel): He's certainly determined. When all else is said and done, you have to admire that about him.
Ethel (addressing Morgan): He's concentrating on Shield Nickels right now. That one will go with the 1866, 1867, 1868 and 1869 Shield Nickels that he's already collected today. ---- He's absolutely addicted and very meticulous. He's not like other collectors. He even likes the coins which others find not so interesting. He's picked up an enormous number of Hard Time Tokens. It's his hobby. I'm supposed to remind him whenever a coin appears. That's one of a wife's duties, you know, to help their husband with his hobbies. That's one of the ways we show we care.
Ruth: I suppose I should be grateful that you didn't turn out to be like Chang. I hate having to pretend that I'm someone's servant girl twice in one day, especially when I'm tired. I fought with Maddie last night until two in the morning. She locked herself in the bathroom and wouldn't come out. I had to pee in the worst way. It got ugly. Finally, we both calmed down enough to talk. As a peace offering before we fell asleep, I ate her until my jaw ached. (Resumes blowing Bob momentarily) I wish you were someone else.
Morgan (addressing Ethel): Do you think Frank would mind giving up his sandwich and pickle?
Ethel (addressing Morgan): Oh, no. Not at all. He orders them, but never gets to eat them. He's always in such a hurry to get to the next coin before someone else picks it up.
Morgan (addressing Herb): Herb, care for a sandwich and a pickle?
Herb (addressing Morgan from behind his newspaper): Does it have any garlic?
Morgan: It's absolutely loaded with garlic. Same as the pickle. It won't affect your ulcer one bit. You can drink and eat anything you want here. You didn't know that?
Herb: No. I didn't. Say, you're OK for a young guy. You know what's really important in life.
(Morgan puts down his book, gets up and delivers Frank's sandwich and pickle to Herb. Herb puts down his newspaper, accepts the food and starts eating with visible pleasure.)
Herb: Thanks.
Morgan: No problem. I could tell you really wanted it.
(Morgan sits down again in his chair in the first row behind Ruth. Behind him, Tony, Speedo and Shoo-Bop, already semi-drunk, sit surrounded by empty cans of beer. Tony, Speedo and Shoo-Bop are each holding and drinking a can of beer.)
Speedo (addressing Morgan): Heh, Gar-Kon! What's this fucking bullshit about consent? You catatonics are here for our pleasure. Who the fuck gave you the right to talk and prance around like Miss Manners?
Shoo-Bop (addressing Morgan): Yeah. We can do whatever the hell we want with you. That's the only rule there is in this place.
Morgan (addressing Speedo and Shoo-Bop): We seem to be having a difference of opinion. Perhaps, we can agree to disagree.
Speedo: Only if you suck my dick while Shoo-Bop fucks you in the ass.
Morgan: I'm flattered that you both find me so attractive. I would have thought I was a little too old for your tastes.
Shoo-Bop: When we were upstate, I had a bitch that looked like you. She used to wait moaning for me in the storage room next to the showers whenever I told her I was feeling edgy. (Shoo-Bop mimics his bitch's moans obscenely in memory.)
Speedo: Ah, those booty bandit days. That black catatonic reminds me of that high yaller girl I had the first year we were up there. She straightened her hair for me, called me Daddy and told me her asshole got wet for me just like a pussy. Like I always say, once you go black, you never come back.
Shoo-Bop: This shit is giving me a hard-on. How about we stand up and go propose marriage to these fine looking ladies?
Speedo: I'm with you, good buddy.
(Speedo and Shoo-Bop put down their cans of beer and walk menacingly through the aisles and chairs towards Morgan and the catatonic johns.)
Morgan (addressing the catatonic johns while rising to his feet): All right men. On your feet, turn and dance.
(The traditional Gaelic tune, "The Blackbird," begins to play at quick tempo. The catatonic johns back away before the first row of chairs where there is more room and start to step dance.)
Speedo (drunkenly laughing): They're dancing for us. How nice.
(Speedo and Shoo-Bop come to within striking distance of the catatonic johns.)
Morgan (yells at catatonic johns): Now, kick you devils!
(Catatonic johns kick Speedo and Shoo-Bop quickly in the balls several times with great accuracy. Speedo and Shoo-Bop fall to the ground. The catatonic johns continue kicking them about the head and face. Morgan takes the champagne bottle from the champagne bucket stand and hits both Speedo and Shoo-Bop on the head two times with full swings. The effect is similar to that of a deck hand killing large fish with a club on the deck of a fishing boat.)
Morgan (addressing catatonic johns): That's enough, men. We must never take pleasure in the misfortunes of others. You may sit down now.
(Catatonic johns sit down and the music stops. Morgan goes through the pockets of Speedo and Shoo-Bop and takes their cigarettes, lighters and money. After he has done this, he runs his hands over the faces of Speedo and Shoo-Bop and closes their eyes.)
Morgan (addressing Herb): Herb, we've got cigarettes now. Want a pack? Won't hurt you. You can smoke all you want here.
Herb: Scotch, garlic and cigarettes. My life is complete.
(Morgan gets up and delivers a pack of cigarettes and a lighter to Herb. Herb lights a cigarette and inhales while holding a glass of scotch.)
Herb: Ah, I'm in heaven.
(After putting the champagne bottle back in the champagne bucket stand, Morgan sits down again in his chair in the first row behind Ruth.)
Tony (addressing Morgan): Better watch your back, skell.
Morgan (turning and addressing Tony): I think it's you that better learn to watch your back. In the real world, Speedo and Shoo-Bop are sitting in a separate holding cell right now talking about how much money they're going to make selling you to lonely violent men in denim. Seems you three were finally arrested tonight for that string of liquor store robberies. Your life is about to take a turn for the worse. Better toughen up. If you do, you might get lucky and get to be just their punk in a nice little cell for three. You can make curtains for the window and learn to be a regular Julia Child with a hot plate. Speedo thinks you'll look sexy with your prison shirt knotted and tied up front over your belly-button. Shoo-Bop, being more of a traditionalist, wants you in matching red lipstick and scarf.
First Cheerleader: They're talking to each other now. I liked it much better when they weren't talking. Not that either of them is really saying anything.
Second Cheerleader: Or recognizing that we're here in the room with them.
Third Cheerleader: The internal logic of their attempts at dialogue will soon dictate what happens. One spoken thought will call for another to be spoken in response.
First Cheerleader: Until their conversation resembles an endless stream of polite statements. ---- I'm bored. Let's fuck the catatonics. You can usually get them hard enough for a good ride.
Second Cheerleader: It's either that or we get Ruth to turn on the TV so that we can watch the Home Shopping Network.
Third Cheerleader: Fat chance she'll turn on the TV in the middle of a session. ---- When you stop and thing about it, fucking the catatonics is a wonderful side benefit to being invited into Ruth's sessions. She takes all the risks for us.
First Cheerleader: Our reputations are preserved intact.
Second Cheerleader: And we get to do things we wouldn't normally be allowed to do.
Third Cheerleader: Like strangle a man while you're fucking him and watch him die as he comes. I'd never get to do that outside of these places. There would be legal repercussions, complications.
First Cheerleader: Yes, I agree. Murdering a man to satisfy your curiosity wouldn't be permitted in the real world. (Addressing Morgan) Heh, Mister. You seem to be in charge. Would you mind if we had sex with the other johns?
Morgan (addressing First Cheerleader): They're not in a position to provide their consent. Under the circumstances, I'll have to say no.
Second Cheerleader: We promise not to strangle them.
Third Cheerleader: We'll be on our best behavior. We'll even take them somewhere else so you don't have to watch. Unless, of course, you'd like to watch or have us just do you.
Morgan: Sorry, ladies. Some principles cannot be waived. Sex requires consent. ---- I'll pass on your offer. I prefer my Cheerleaders to be younger and less inclined to murder me.
First Cheerleader (in an offended tone): You're no fun. (Addressing Waiter) Waiter, excuse me. Are there any vacant rooms we could use for the rest of the night? We'd just like to watch a little TV.
Waiter: The room next door is empty until morning. It's a single though, and might be a little cramped for the three of you. Room service and clean-up charges are extra.
Second Cheerleader: Do you take Discover cards?
Waiter (addressing Second Cheerleader): Sorry. We only accept Visa, MasterCard and American Express. I'm not allowed to take cash or checks. It's against the rules.
Third Cheerleader: My card! I call it! I only need twenty more frequent flyer miles to take Jim and the twins to Paris.
First Cheerleader: We went last year. I suppose it's only fair.
Mr. Ed (addressing Cheerleaders): Any chance you ladies might be interested in a little equine company?
Second Cheerleader (addressing Mr. Ed): I'm not all that fond of Palominos. There's something gawky and stupid about them. No offense, but give me a Morgan any day of the week. I've always found them to be the most sensible and loyal of mounts. I love their deep bodies and lovely heads. I'm especially fond of chestnuts. For variety sometimes, though, a buckskin, bay or brown can suit me.
Third Cheerleader: I prefer a Tennessee Walking Horse for my riding. They're affectionate, gentle and intelligent. All excellent qualities in either a man or a horse. I adore their flat foot walk with its slow, bold and even gait. I also love their running walk. You get a special gliding motion with that one. A bobbing of the head accompanies each step and they snap their teeth in time. They can sustain this for long distances without fatigue to either themselves or me. Best of all though is their rocking chair gait. It's so full of spring, rhythm and grace. Forget your Arabians, Appaloosas, Russian Trotters and Swedish Warm Bloods, I can go on forever with a big black Tennessee Walking Horse.
First Cheerleader: If you really wanted to test your mettle, you'd go all out and try a Clydesdale or a Vladimir Heavy Draft. In my experience, there's nothing like a Clydesdale for steady powerful action. On the other hand, if you're in the mood for something more responsive, the Shetland Pony is your best bet. They're always gentle and let you be in complete control. And that's all that counts when you stop and think about it.
Second Cheerleader: But the Shetland Pony can't jump like the American Walking Pony can. They have this special thing they do. It's called the Pleasure Walk. I absolutely love their Pleasure Walk. Their Merry Walk is pretty good too. That always makes me feel girlish inside.
Third Cheerleader (addressing Mr. Ed): You can talk. That's something in your favor. Most of the animals we meet in Ruth's sessions can't hold up their end of the conversation. We have to spell things out for them and lead them along. ---- Ever do three women at once?
Mr. Ed: Sure. Lots of times. I can go all night. In Bob's sessions, I'm not a gelding. I'm as good as the day I was born and fully functional. You can switch on and off as much as you want. I'm not picky like some. One woman is as good as another in my book. You all look pretty much the same to me. My tongue never gets tired either. And I promise I won't even think about Greek unless you absolutely insist. Any kind of blowjobs you girls want to give me are just fine with me too. ---- Any of you ladies know how to give a prostate massage? For me, that's what really puts the kick in a foursome.
First Cheerleader: Full fist all the way up to the shoulder. Then a little bit of the old in and out.
Mr. Ed: That's it. I'm in love again.
Waiter (addressing Third Cheerleader): It'll be extra for the horse. He'll want some oats and water, and the carpet will need a deep cleaning afterwards.
(The Waiter processes the Third Cheerleader's credit card and hands her a receipt.)
Father O'Hara: Mr. Ed, you're about to commit grave sins with these women. Don't you think you should stop and consider what you're about to do? It's effect on your spiritual development?
Mr. Ed (addressing Father O'Hara): I'll see you next week in confession.
(The Cheerleaders and Mr. Ed exit the room.)
Bob (opening up his eyes and looking down at Ruth to address her in a hopeful conversational tone): Do you think we'll have a hard winter? The leaves turned color so quickly this year. It seems certain that it'll be a lot colder than it was last winter.
Ruth (looking up and addressing Bob in an emotionally responsive tone): I hope it's not cold. Harsh weather can be hard on a woman's skin. We're much more delicate than men, you know.
Bob (addressing Ruth): Oh, I know you are. But it can be hard on men's skin too. I have to use a moisturizer when it gets really cold or I turn into lizard.
Ruth (addressing Bob): That sounds horrible. You have to take care of yourself when the temperature dips. I always have extra moisturizer with me. I'll put some on you in the colder months when you come see me.
Bob (addressing Ruth): I'm looking forward to that.
(Ruth returns to performing the Courtesan Special with lots of tender stomach and chest touching thrown in. Bob closes his eyes, leans back in his chair and smiles.)
Ethel: Frank, there's an 1870 Shield Nickel on the sidewalk. If you skip the elevator, you'll get to it before somebody else picks it up.
(Frank puts down his newspaper, gets up out of his chair, quickly runs to the open window and jumps out. His screams are heard as he falls through the air on his way to smashing head first into the sidewalk eight stories below.)
Morgan (addressing Ethel): He's certainly determined. When all else is said and done, you have to admire that about him.
Ethel (addressing Morgan): He's concentrating on Shield Nickels right now. That one will go with the 1866, 1867, 1868 and 1869 Shield Nickels that he's already collected today. ---- He's absolutely addicted and very meticulous. He's not like other collectors. He even likes the coins which others find not so interesting. He's picked up an enormous number of Hard Time Tokens. It's his hobby. I'm supposed to remind him whenever a coin appears. That's one of a wife's duties, you know, to help their husband with his hobbies. That's one of the ways we show we care.
Ruth: I suppose I should be grateful that you didn't turn out to be like Chang. I hate having to pretend that I'm someone's servant girl twice in one day, especially when I'm tired. I fought with Maddie last night until two in the morning. She locked herself in the bathroom and wouldn't come out. I had to pee in the worst way. It got ugly. Finally, we both calmed down enough to talk. As a peace offering before we fell asleep, I ate her until my jaw ached. (Resumes blowing Bob momentarily) I wish you were someone else.
Morgan (addressing Ethel): Do you think Frank would mind giving up his sandwich and pickle?
Ethel (addressing Morgan): Oh, no. Not at all. He orders them, but never gets to eat them. He's always in such a hurry to get to the next coin before someone else picks it up.
Morgan (addressing Herb): Herb, care for a sandwich and a pickle?
Herb (addressing Morgan from behind his newspaper): Does it have any garlic?
Morgan: It's absolutely loaded with garlic. Same as the pickle. It won't affect your ulcer one bit. You can drink and eat anything you want here. You didn't know that?
Herb: No. I didn't. Say, you're OK for a young guy. You know what's really important in life.
(Morgan puts down his book, gets up and delivers Frank's sandwich and pickle to Herb. Herb puts down his newspaper, accepts the food and starts eating with visible pleasure.)
Herb: Thanks.
Morgan: No problem. I could tell you really wanted it.
(Morgan sits down again in his chair in the first row behind Ruth. Behind him, Tony, Speedo and Shoo-Bop, already semi-drunk, sit surrounded by empty cans of beer. Tony, Speedo and Shoo-Bop are each holding and drinking a can of beer.)
Speedo (addressing Morgan): Heh, Gar-Kon! What's this fucking bullshit about consent? You catatonics are here for our pleasure. Who the fuck gave you the right to talk and prance around like Miss Manners?
Shoo-Bop (addressing Morgan): Yeah. We can do whatever the hell we want with you. That's the only rule there is in this place.
Morgan (addressing Speedo and Shoo-Bop): We seem to be having a difference of opinion. Perhaps, we can agree to disagree.
Speedo: Only if you suck my dick while Shoo-Bop fucks you in the ass.
Morgan: I'm flattered that you both find me so attractive. I would have thought I was a little too old for your tastes.
Shoo-Bop: When we were upstate, I had a bitch that looked like you. She used to wait moaning for me in the storage room next to the showers whenever I told her I was feeling edgy. (Shoo-Bop mimics his bitch's moans obscenely in memory.)
Speedo: Ah, those booty bandit days. That black catatonic reminds me of that high yaller girl I had the first year we were up there. She straightened her hair for me, called me Daddy and told me her asshole got wet for me just like a pussy. Like I always say, once you go black, you never come back.
Shoo-Bop: This shit is giving me a hard-on. How about we stand up and go propose marriage to these fine looking ladies?
Speedo: I'm with you, good buddy.
(Speedo and Shoo-Bop put down their cans of beer and walk menacingly through the aisles and chairs towards Morgan and the catatonic johns.)
Morgan (addressing the catatonic johns while rising to his feet): All right men. On your feet, turn and dance.
(The traditional Gaelic tune, "The Blackbird," begins to play at quick tempo. The catatonic johns back away before the first row of chairs where there is more room and start to step dance.)
Speedo (drunkenly laughing): They're dancing for us. How nice.
(Speedo and Shoo-Bop come to within striking distance of the catatonic johns.)
Morgan (yells at catatonic johns): Now, kick you devils!
(Catatonic johns kick Speedo and Shoo-Bop quickly in the balls several times with great accuracy. Speedo and Shoo-Bop fall to the ground. The catatonic johns continue kicking them about the head and face. Morgan takes the champagne bottle from the champagne bucket stand and hits both Speedo and Shoo-Bop on the head two times with full swings. The effect is similar to that of a deck hand killing large fish with a club on the deck of a fishing boat.)
Morgan (addressing catatonic johns): That's enough, men. We must never take pleasure in the misfortunes of others. You may sit down now.
(Catatonic johns sit down and the music stops. Morgan goes through the pockets of Speedo and Shoo-Bop and takes their cigarettes, lighters and money. After he has done this, he runs his hands over the faces of Speedo and Shoo-Bop and closes their eyes.)
Morgan (addressing Herb): Herb, we've got cigarettes now. Want a pack? Won't hurt you. You can smoke all you want here.
Herb: Scotch, garlic and cigarettes. My life is complete.
(Morgan gets up and delivers a pack of cigarettes and a lighter to Herb. Herb lights a cigarette and inhales while holding a glass of scotch.)
Herb: Ah, I'm in heaven.
(After putting the champagne bottle back in the champagne bucket stand, Morgan sits down again in his chair in the first row behind Ruth.)
Tony (addressing Morgan): Better watch your back, skell.
Morgan (turning and addressing Tony): I think it's you that better learn to watch your back. In the real world, Speedo and Shoo-Bop are sitting in a separate holding cell right now talking about how much money they're going to make selling you to lonely violent men in denim. Seems you three were finally arrested tonight for that string of liquor store robberies. Your life is about to take a turn for the worse. Better toughen up. If you do, you might get lucky and get to be just their punk in a nice little cell for three. You can make curtains for the window and learn to be a regular Julia Child with a hot plate. Speedo thinks you'll look sexy with your prison shirt knotted and tied up front over your belly-button. Shoo-Bop, being more of a traditionalist, wants you in matching red lipstick and scarf.