Not Too Dirty Jokes....

M

mr. wonderful

#1
#1
I heard this one today. Thought it was cute. Anyone care to post some others?

Anyway, this guy takes this prom queen out on a first date. She the bomb, beautiful face, body, the works. But unfortunately for our friend, she's also very prim and proper. During dinner, the subject of sex is brought up. She asks her date, "Do you believe in pre-marital sex"? Not wanting to ruin a perfectly good evening up to that point, our hero says, "NO, I don't". She gives him a playful, happy grin, which our friend takes to mean that he gave the right answer.

Finally, they arrive at the movie theater. As the lights go down, our hero is all over this girl. Kissing her neck, grabbing her breasts, and stroking her thighs. Stunned, the date tries to push the guy off, saying "But I thought that you didn't believe in pre-marital sex!!" to which our hero replies, "Well, I have no intention of marrying you".

This was actually a cleaned up version. I guess it would be funnier if I used words likes tits and f**k, but I wanted to keep it semi-clean. Please don't be harsh, I've had a lousy day.

MW
 
H

Hotpuppy

Mr.Butterworth
#2
#2
For a hundred years two statues, a male and a female have graced the entrance to a major greenspace in a major city. One day an angel comes down to earth and brings the two statues to life. The angel says to the statues, " for being so noble and stalwart all these years we have decide to give the two of you life for one half an hour, you may do whatever you wish. The male looks at the female and vice versa and they head off to the bushes where there is great commotion for the next 15 minutes. When they return to the angel, the angel reminds them that they still have 15 minutes left. With a gleam in his eye the male says to the female, " lets go back in the bushes, only this time, I'll hold the pigeon while you s*it on it".
HP
 
B

Bill Furniture

Flounder
#3
#3
Boston joke

#14 is my favorite.....

Twenty major events have occurred since the Red Sox last laid claim to a
World Series Championship.

1. Radio was invented; Red Sox got to hear their team lose.
2. TV was invented: Red Sox got to SEE their team lose.
3. Baseball added 14 teams: Red Sox get to SEE AND HEAR their team lose
to more clubs.
4. George Burns celebrated his 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th,
90th and 100th birthdays.
5. Halley's comet passed earth ..... twice.
6. Babe Ruth was sold. He went on to win 4 World Series titles with the
Yankees.
7. The NBA and NHL were formed, and Boston teams have won championships
in both leagues.
8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Red Sox
pitchers.
9. Fifteen US presidents were elected.
10. There were eleven amendments added to the Constitution.
11. Prohibition was created AND repealed.
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sand, was discovered, and became the
subject of major motion pictures, the latest of which gave Red Sox
fans hope that something that finished on the bottom can come out
on top.
13. Fenway Park was built, and has since become the OLDEST park in the
major leagues.
14. Flagpoles were erected on the roof of Fenway Park to hold all of the
teams future World Series Championship flags. The poles have
rusted and have been taken down.
15. A combination of FORTY Summer and Winter Olympic games have been
held.
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several have
thanked Red Sox pitchers for the assistance.
17. Bell-Bottoms came into style, went out of style, and have come back
into style . Same with disco.
18. The Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, and Florida Marlins have
all won the World Series.
19. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma, and New Mexico were admitted to
the union.
20. Bill Buckner !!
 
A

ava

#4
#4
ha!

A father and his son go into the grocery store where they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and one for Saturday night."

The son then asks his father, "Well what's the 6 pack for?"

The father replies, "Well that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."

Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies, "Well that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March......"
 
S

SkellyChamp

#5
#5
Apropos of nothing

Four important management lessons

Lesson Number One
*****************

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A
small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also
sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered:
"Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.


Lesson Number Two
*****************

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,
"but I haven't got the energy.
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of
dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength
to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the
second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at
the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer,
who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there.


Lesson Number Three
*******************

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be
Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control
the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said,
"We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him
to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should
be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the
money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes
until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at
the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went
on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched,
the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain
fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be
the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts
did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.


Lesson Number Four
******************

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold,
the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some
dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to
realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He
lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of
cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
 
S

SkellyChamp

#6
#6
And on topic

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.
Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a
secluded garden behind the center to sit and
ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the
garden.

They begin to chat, and before they know it,
several hours have passed. After a short lull
in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and
asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all? She
asks, "What?" "SEX!!!" Annabel exclaims, "Why you
old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a
gun to your head!" "I know," Howard says, "but it
would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently
unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and
proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to
meet secretly each night in the garden where they
would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's
manhood. Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at
their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make
sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior
citizen home where she found him sitting by the
pool with another female resident-who was holding
Howard's manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep!
What does she have that I don't have?!"

Howard smiled happily and replied, Parkinson's."
 
T

TuckernotSucker

#7
#7
World Class Joke

Abe and Molly have been married for 50 years, and in all that timehe never brought her flowers or candy.
One day he is on the subway and he buys a dozen roses for Molly.
He knocks on the door of his apartiment and is hiding the flowers behind his back.
Molly opens the door and peeks behind Abes back and sees the flowers and passes out.
Abe revives her by splashing water on her face and says, "Molly, Molly, how come you fainted?" She replied, "You bought me flowers didnt you? Now I have to get naked and lay on our bed with my legs spread apart for a week."

Abe replied, "Why? Dont you have a Vase?"
 
J

Julienyc

#8
#8
big ass

A couple had been married for several years and of course time takes its toll, One day they were cooking out and the wife was bending over cleaning the gass grill ,the husband said wow! your ass is really getting big ,it is as round as the size of the grill and that grill is pretty damned big, He was so sure about this that he went to get a tape measurer , Wow! it is the same size give or take a little. In front of everyone she was very embarrased but just went on about her business.

As she was sleeping that night , he patted her big ass and said come on give me some of that big ass tonight, I am horny and in the mood for some hot sex.

She rolled over and sighed , Listen if you think I am going to light up this big grill for that one little weanie you got another thought coming.
 
B

Bill Furniture

Flounder
#9
#9
A businessman returned home from the office with some startling gossip. He informed his wife that he'd heard that their neighbor in apartment 4-G had screwed every woman in the building except one.
"That's right," replied the wife. "It's that stuck-up Mrs. Smith on the eighth floor!"
 
J

Julienyc

#10
#10
Gambling boy

One day a father dropped his son 7 years old off at school and warned the teacher that he may have a gamling problem so watch for it and if anything call me asap. The teacher shrugged it off as just paranoia from the father. A few hours later the boy came up to the teacher and and said I bet you have a tatoo on your ass and I am so sure I will bet you 10 bucks ,I am that sure. The teacher thought well this will break him of betting because I do not have a tatoo on my ass and he will lose the 10 bucks and that will be a lesson well learned. She brought him into the coat room and pulled her skirt up and her undies down and said see I do not have a tatoo on my ass, You lost 10 bucks and the bet.

She called his father asap and told him I think I cured your little boy and taught him a good lesson in betting. She told him what happened, she explained that the boy bet her that she had a tatoo on her but and she took him aside and showed him her ass and (no tatoo)

The boys father said that little bratt , he bet me 50 bucks he could get his teacher to show him her bare ass and I bet him
 
B

Bill Furniture

Flounder
#11
#11
CRASH TEST RECORDINGS

The National Transportation Safety Board recently
divulged they had covertly funded a project with the
U.S. auto maker for the past five years, whereby the
auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel
drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in
fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15
seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the
last words of drivers in 74.7 percent of fatal crashes
were, "Oh, SH**!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 92.3
percent of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my
beer and watch this!"
 
M

mcheck57

#12
#12
More jokes

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring... he decided to
stick it out for another year.


How come Barbie never once got pregnant... Ken came in a different box.

David Copperfield is doing his act and ask if anyone in the audience would
like to do a trick. "I will," yells a guy, "but I need your beautiful
assistant and a table." David agrees and the guy bends the hottie over the
table, takes her costume off and starts humping her from behind.
Copperfield scream, "Hey, that isn't a trick!" The guy says, "I know. It's
fucking magic!"


A woman in a supermarket hurries to the express line with a few items. The
clerk has his back turned to her so she says, "Excuse me. I'm in a hurry.
Could you please check me out?" The clerk turns, looks her up and down, and
says, "Nice tits."
 
B

Bill Furniture

Flounder
#13
#13
A blonde named Barbara is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"
...Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one
lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the first ever Million dollars if you
get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000--
are
you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is
it........
A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush."
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.

Barbara: " I think I know who it........ but I'm not 100%....No, I
haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis just to be sure."

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?"

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Carol back home in Brooklyn." (ringing)
Carol (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Carol, its Regis Philbin here from "Who Wants to be a
Millionaire"-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on
$500,000, but needs your help to a Million. The next voice you hear
will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible

answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30
seconds to answer - fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own
nest? Is it: A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush?

Carol: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....Its a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Carol: "I'm sure!"

Barbara: "Thanks Carol." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the
Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo!

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Carol's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo...you're
right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your
check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler.
Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."(clapping)

That night Barbara calls Carol and invites her down to a local bar for a
celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara
turns to Carol and asks "Tell me Carol, How in God's name did you
know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Carol: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
 
B

Bill Furniture

Flounder
#14
#14
BACKSEAT DRIVER

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him
something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly
hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from
a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab,
then the driver said

"Look friend, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights
out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little
tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is
my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for
the last 25 years."

[Edited by Bill Furniture on 08-08-2001 at 11:52 PM]
 
B

Bill Furniture

Flounder
#18
#18
SIGNS THAT HOBBYING IS AFFECTING YOUR "REAL" DATES...

1. While conversing with your date for the first time you give her your Home address, Employer Name and Phone Number and reference every "provider" you've seen.
2. While conversing for the first time you ask her if she has a website or any pictures on the net.
3. 1st date small talk includes "Do you mind if I ring the bell more than once?"
4. While picking her up at home you compliment her on her nice incall location.
5. You mistake your date's dad for your date's "manager."
6. Your date has no idea what the difference is between FS and non-FS or why you keep asking about it.
7. Can't concentrate on the movie due to YMMV concerns.
8. You meet her best friend at the bar and ask for a "2 girl session."
9. Any wild stories told by your date is punctuated by you asking, "How much does that cost?"
10. After your response to her question you realize she wanted to know what you like to do, but not necessarily to her.
11. You mean to say "Your place or mine?" but you actually say "incall or outcall?"
12. She really does speak Greek and she really is a black belt.
13. She really is a model and you really are nude in her living room when she returns with drinks.
14. You're married and tell her as much and wonder why that's a problem.
15. After only a kiss goodnight you warn of a possible bad review.
16. You are overheard muttering "took one for the team" after being ejected from her home for number 13.
17. You post a review of your date.
 
B

Bill Furniture

Flounder
#20
#20
Dick wish

Bob and Rick were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take leak.

While standing at the urinal Rick confessed, "I wish I had a dick like
my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his."

Bob looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four fingers."

"I know," said Rick, "but I'm peeing on three of them."
 
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