new jokes

#32
"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz GT, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “
 
#35
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.” The wife stopped to listen.

He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn’t like”. “She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you’d discarded because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday-the one you never liked.” “Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair that was too small for you now.”

“That’s all fine and good,” said the wife, “but why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?”

The husband replied, “Well, that’s simple. See, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
 
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