He got caught with his pants down!

[superwoman01]

I have a friend that I saw on a regular basis and we were good friends. He is an older gentleman --good looking-gorgeous eyes and refined and educated. He is always a gentleman. We would hang out once a month and we would spend a an afternoon of bliss together. I received an email from him asking me when could we meet for lunch and then go by his place for some private time. I told him I was out of town for my vanilla job--taking another class. I would email him when I returned.

About a week passes and I email him. I wrote that my trip was good and I am back. Please let me know what day would work the best for you. Two days passed and no response. No worries here--I am pretty patient and figured he would he email me when he had time. On the third day I received an email from him and this is what it said…

“Anna,
Glad you had a good trip. Things could be a lot better here. My wife found out about my "hobby" and as of Monday I am without a home and a family. I will be out of touch for quite some time. Weird! I am still in shock. My best to you and your family."


OMG--Of course I did not reply--Yet my heart went out to him and his family. I felt terrible. I know that we are adults and we make our own decisions and all our decisions have good or bad consequences but I felt horrible. Not everyone understands this adult world that we live in.

Then today I received a call from him. I had a missed call from him--so I blocked my number just in case it was the SO and called him back. I figured I would hang-up if it was her. It was him and he said he was on his way out of state to one of their summer homes and that she froze his assets. He has four children and he spent the last few days--visiting each one of them and told them what happened so that they could hear it from him first. I felt terrible. You never want to hurt your kids. I tried to find the right words to console him. I told him that time heals everything and unfortunately when something like this happens--the SO starts questioning herself as to what did she do wrong to make him venture outside of their marriage and that in time she will take him back. They have been married for over twenty-five years. Doubt that was the best advice. He said he still does not know how she found out. He said maybe his behavior was off and she picked up on it and perhaps hired someone to go through his hard drive. He never wrote his passwords down and she would not have known it. My heart goes out to him. He is a really nice guy.

I am sure there are statistics on this some place on what usually happens. What does a hobbyist do at this point? UG has many threads on how not to get caught but nothing on dealing with the after effect of getting caught. The girls usually have something in place but what does a guy do after this happens--we are way past the deny, deny, deny part?

 

[Bandaid]

Thanks for posting this, and I think the first thing to do is find out what experiences actually are.

 

[superwoman01]

Thanks for posting this, and I think the first thing to do is find out what experiences actually are.

Hi Bandaid--I apologize but I do not understand what you mean.Please clarify

 

[marcinny]

That fucking bitch.
I think that a married john should be prepared for a day like this with legal and financial means. You're living a double life and you know the consequences so get prepared.

I feel sorry for the guys. I would not even spend one week with most of the women I meet in this society.

 

[superwoman01]

That fucking bitch.
I think that a married john should be prepared for a day like this with legal and financial means. You're living a double life and you know the consequences so get prepared.

I feel sorry for the guys. I would not even spend one week with most of the women I meet in this society.

GREAT POST Marc...I agree! Being prepared is the best advice! Also don't shit where you eat! or however that goes--some guys like to play when their SO is not home and that is dangerous in my opinion.

 

[stevana]

I have an apartment many, many miles from my true home and spend nearly half my time there without the SO. But she does spend time at the apartment. The hobby has never entered the apartment. All it takes to fuck things up is something like a strange hair. On your clothes is one thing - must have come from the laundry or from the subway, whatever - but if in the sheets or on the bathroom floor? - not so easy to explain away. Hobby and home - the twain shall . . .

 

[jwills500]

I have an apartment many, many miles from my true home and spend nearly half my time there without the SO. But she does spend time at the apartment. The hobby has never entered the apartment. All it takes to fuck things up is something like a strange hair. On your clothes is one thing - must have come from the laundry or from the subway, whatever - but if in the sheets or on the bathroom floor? - not so easy to explain away. Hobby and home - the twain shall . . .

My situation is like yours, my wife visits my apartment also, but we have had many of our friends and family stay there as well, so a stray hair wouldn't raise any concerns. I usually go through the place with fine tooth comb looking for stray DNA before she comes. But all has been fine. I even came back from the laudromat one day while she was there with some hair I pickup there. Helps to keeps things from getting out of hand.

 

[marcinny]

When I monger, all the clothes I had been wearing are immediately packed for laundry and sometimes even dry cleaning. My SO can notice even the slightest scent. I am extra careful, although I admit that I like to test my fate at times.

 

[Thorn]

I don't know how deeply I am going to go into this [after reading back probably a lot deeper than I intended when I started to write this] but not too long ago I experienced exactly what your friend is going through. In fact I am still going through it.

I was always careful. Careful enough that I could even think of myself as someone who could give advice to others on how to be careful. In the end it was a simple mental slip up that got me. The most mundane, run of the mill, almost cliche bit of business.

I thought my sexual acting out was for all the right reasons [women don't think the same way, it seems]. It had nothing to do with how much I love her. Didn't even have to do with how good, or not, our sex life is [though I would have preferred more of it]. It just had to do with me, how I perceive my own sexuality and how I deal with it. I like sex with more than one woman, what can I say.

She knew about my past, about my having been a swinger. I thought those days were behind me when I said I'd forgo additional women as sexual partners [paid or otherwise] in my life. I truly meant it when I said it.

Major dings. Lots of tears. Since that very bizarre day I've lived in the land of the Tiger for about as long as he has now [it happens very late last year]. Lots of similarities except I am still at home. I don't run as fast as I use to but I still talk fast. {dopey grin}

I've cut my activities way down... and I do mean way, way, down, but I'd be lying if I said I've stopped completely. Old habits die very, very, hard. There is still a dancer or two I see now and again. I might forgo the dancer thing completely in favor of more rare, now and then, anonymous agency provider [geeze I hate that thought] or if I could find exactly the right independent. Its just that the situation I was involved in provides sexual intimacy far superior to what I found with hourly rate providers. Anyway, I digress.

Perhaps this is TMI and I might even ask Slinky to pull it down if I think it might cause me trouble, but you asked a real question and I thought it deserved a real answer.

What do you do? First off you try to maintain. I mean you sanity itself is called onto the carpet for inspection. The world you've created, the pinnings that hold it securely in place, are yanked loose. It feels like everything is upside down. You are going to experience that. If you truly care about your marriage and everything that is tangent to it you are going to feel all that coming at you from all sides when it looks like its all going to go away. You have to be able to keep a grip on something because its never more important that you be able to think as clearly as you can. You have real problems to deal with and you better be able to come to decisions about how to make your way though this mess of your own creation.

Once you start to stabilize, and that could take a long time, if you have been able to think somewhat clearly enough to have made good decisions after bad ones your in position to try and restart. A life reboot, as it were. Its as if you are walking through the aftermath of a tornado that has come though your neighborhood you have to sort through the wreckage. You have to tally what there is that can be salvaged and what can be rebuilt, what can be replaced, and what is lost forever.

Its no easy trick for anyone that's involved. Yourself, wife, kids [if any, grown or not], grand-kids, brothers and sisters if they know about it, etc, etc, etc. Its a fucking bloody mess that has been made, and you have to take into account its only yourself who created the possibility for this mayhem you've caused for yourself and people you profess to care about.

And still I think about having sex with other women. In fact, right at this moment, I'm horny and my wife is unavailable because August is the anniversary of her sons [my step-son] death and I get put on a shelf for a month or two. I understand it, it was part of what the issue was [though only part, the biggest part was totally about me], but I am horny and a little lonely [though not looking for sympathy I assure you] and I certainly wouldn't mind crawling off, if I knew I could get away with it, and having you between my thighs looking up at me with your pretty eyes while you... well...

Best not go there.

Hell, the funny part is that it had been so long since I needed to jerk off that I've become lousy at masturbation. Didn't need it so I lost the skill set. Haven't really reacquired the knack yet. Gave myself a bit of a friction burn on the edge of the head last attempt {laughing at myself}. What a world. A respect for irony and a good sense of humor helps. Just got to keep smiling, even when it hurts to do so.

 

[h4c]

I dont see how his cash/assetts get frozen so quickly yet he can travel freely to see his kids.

Odd story.

As always, excellent post by Thorn.

 

[Bandaid]

Sorry, Superwoman. I posted a poll asking how many guys had been caught and the consequences. In other words, It's interesting to know how many have faced this and what happened.

 

[superwoman01]

Bandaid--Yes I saw that you hijacked my thread--no worries--still a great poll!

Thorn--wow--very deep--you surprise me every time you post or when we do have an opportunity to talk. You intrigued me when we spoke briefly at the UG party in LI. It is interesting to see what each one of us have experienced or gone through in our own time. I am sure their are more stories but not everyone wants to share.

 

[superwoman01]

I dont see how his cash/assetts get frozen so quickly yet he can travel freely to see his kids.

Odd story.

As always, excellent post by Thorn.

It may be odd but it is a true story. I wrote what was told to me--everyone handles betrayal in their own way--as someone mentioned on another thread--the person who finds out hurts the most. I have heard both guys and gals say "Well I am a big boy or a big girl and I will handle the consequences" It is one thing to say that and another to actually deal with the aftermath.
This is a great hobby but in all reality it is just a hobby and most of us have a real life to go back to and prefer having a life to return too! Just my opinion. I think that it is always good to have a plan in place and to take all the precautions necessary to protect what you have.
OK I think we need a "Hobbyist Survival Guide" Ha!
Have a good afternoon

 

[Thorn]

OK I think we need a "Hobbyist Survival Guide" Ha!

That's the most ironic part.

One of my specific areas: "Beware the Naked Man Who Offers You His Shirt: Do What You Love, Love What You Do, and Deliver More -- [how to successfully live a double life; How to how to avoid entanglements with law enforcement; how to screen clients effectively; how to deal effectively with being screened, etc]

... is precisely that. And I, of all people, the in house expert. {LOL}