To Sleep Perchance To Dream?
I just recently came across this thread and had the opportunity to read your story.
My perspective may be a little different than many of the other people who commented because I had the opportunity to read not only the entire story but about your activities afterward.
My first question is, are you sure you know what you’re looking for. The sense that I got reading your story is that you were not satisfied with your marriage, met Lisa, and came to conclude that a permanent (nominally) monogamous relationship with her, probably in the form of marriage, would be much more fulfilling than your current marriage. Certainly the way in which you discussed taking the next step with her (children, etc.) seemed to imply this.
That may or may not have been the case. You probably will never know. Lisa is gone. The real problem is that the needs that you attempted to fulfill through the a relationship with Lisa remain.
I do not agree with some of the other posters who suggested that you focus on doing what is necessary to make your relationship with your current wife into what you would like it to be. That may not be possible. I think coming to some conclusion about this is really the first thing you need to do.
Based on some of the things you have said in your story, and what you have and have not said in response to posters who made this suggestion, I think you have in fact have made a decision concerning this. But since you have not expressed a conclusion one-way or the other it is possible that you have made a decision, but not acknowledged it.
If you conclude that it is possible, and that you want to try, then that’s what you should do. My own experience is that while it is possible to have a very good relationship with your wife and still see providers, that seeing providers when you are attempting to improve your relationship with your wife is probably not such a good idea.
If you conclude that it is not possible to get what you want out of your current marriage you face a series of questions;
Are you willing to end your marriage with your current wife?
If no, and you still are interested in having a relationship like the one you had with Lisa, it probably would be better if you attempt to have this relationship with someone who themselves does not wish to marry, you need to think through how this relationship would work, given that you are going to remain married, and as the relationship evolves with this new person you need to think about, and talk about, the relationship becoming closer in ways that do not imply marriage. (Here is a depressing thought – you really don’t want to leave your marriage, you do want to pursue the fulfillment of your needs through a relationship with someone else, that is what Lisa wanted as well, so you actually had what you wanted, but it was the marriage part that spooked her.)
Alternatively you may decide that either because of some aspect of your relationship with your wife, or it does not seem to be possible to have the experience you want with a women unless you are married to her, you need to acknowledge to yourself that you are planning on getting divorced and remarried.
Having reached that point the only remaining problem is finding this new woman. Oh, and there is the issue of what you do with your current wife while you are looking. Here there are basically two alternatives; tell her or don’t tell her. There are advantages and disadvantages to each alternative, and particularly if you tell her, variations in exactly what it means for your day-to-day life.
Obviously telling her, separating, beginning the process of getting divorced is both “the right thing to do” and also more likely to enable you to develop a relationship with another women who wants to get married. But it also involves more risk if in fact, while you would prefer a better relationship with someone else, you prefer your relationship with your wife to none at all.
Once you have gone through this decision making process you will have a much better idea of what you are looking for, a wife or a consort. And knowing what you are looking for is always a big help in finding it.
While there are a number of characteristics that might be found in providers that might make them attractive to you as a wife, there are interesting, sexy, vibrant women engaged in a wide variety of professions. It seems that your search has primarily focused on providers and you might want to expand your search to include non-providers as well. This may even be the case if you decide to opt for the consort solution rather than the marriage solution.
This throwing your life up in the air and changing everything stuff is quite “challenging”. I don’t recommend doing it too often, so the more sure you are that you have considered all the possibilities before choosing one the better the chance that you won’t have to do it too soon. (Choosing one, and the necessity of doing so have always been issues for me – but that’s not necessarily relevant to you.)
My sense is you are grappling with a number of related but really quite separate issues and decisions. Recognizing these and thinking about them before you get very involved in a new relationship may enable you to achieve a better result. Or at least have a better idea of why, the next time you “fall” in love based on chemistry and sex, if it becomes a nightmare rather than a dream, why that might have been the case.
(Keep in mind that without dreams there are no nightmares, but it is the nightmare that makes the dream a dream.)
One final comment and you can take it for what its worth. The contentment and fulfillment that you are looking for is within you, so don’t be surprised when it isn’t in any relationship in which you might get involved..
Which isn’t to say that women don’t have a lot to offer, and can’t help you find what you already have.
I just recently came across this thread and had the opportunity to read your story.
My perspective may be a little different than many of the other people who commented because I had the opportunity to read not only the entire story but about your activities afterward.
My first question is, are you sure you know what you’re looking for. The sense that I got reading your story is that you were not satisfied with your marriage, met Lisa, and came to conclude that a permanent (nominally) monogamous relationship with her, probably in the form of marriage, would be much more fulfilling than your current marriage. Certainly the way in which you discussed taking the next step with her (children, etc.) seemed to imply this.
That may or may not have been the case. You probably will never know. Lisa is gone. The real problem is that the needs that you attempted to fulfill through the a relationship with Lisa remain.
I do not agree with some of the other posters who suggested that you focus on doing what is necessary to make your relationship with your current wife into what you would like it to be. That may not be possible. I think coming to some conclusion about this is really the first thing you need to do.
Based on some of the things you have said in your story, and what you have and have not said in response to posters who made this suggestion, I think you have in fact have made a decision concerning this. But since you have not expressed a conclusion one-way or the other it is possible that you have made a decision, but not acknowledged it.
If you conclude that it is possible, and that you want to try, then that’s what you should do. My own experience is that while it is possible to have a very good relationship with your wife and still see providers, that seeing providers when you are attempting to improve your relationship with your wife is probably not such a good idea.
If you conclude that it is not possible to get what you want out of your current marriage you face a series of questions;
Are you willing to end your marriage with your current wife?
If no, and you still are interested in having a relationship like the one you had with Lisa, it probably would be better if you attempt to have this relationship with someone who themselves does not wish to marry, you need to think through how this relationship would work, given that you are going to remain married, and as the relationship evolves with this new person you need to think about, and talk about, the relationship becoming closer in ways that do not imply marriage. (Here is a depressing thought – you really don’t want to leave your marriage, you do want to pursue the fulfillment of your needs through a relationship with someone else, that is what Lisa wanted as well, so you actually had what you wanted, but it was the marriage part that spooked her.)
Alternatively you may decide that either because of some aspect of your relationship with your wife, or it does not seem to be possible to have the experience you want with a women unless you are married to her, you need to acknowledge to yourself that you are planning on getting divorced and remarried.
Having reached that point the only remaining problem is finding this new woman. Oh, and there is the issue of what you do with your current wife while you are looking. Here there are basically two alternatives; tell her or don’t tell her. There are advantages and disadvantages to each alternative, and particularly if you tell her, variations in exactly what it means for your day-to-day life.
Obviously telling her, separating, beginning the process of getting divorced is both “the right thing to do” and also more likely to enable you to develop a relationship with another women who wants to get married. But it also involves more risk if in fact, while you would prefer a better relationship with someone else, you prefer your relationship with your wife to none at all.
Once you have gone through this decision making process you will have a much better idea of what you are looking for, a wife or a consort. And knowing what you are looking for is always a big help in finding it.
While there are a number of characteristics that might be found in providers that might make them attractive to you as a wife, there are interesting, sexy, vibrant women engaged in a wide variety of professions. It seems that your search has primarily focused on providers and you might want to expand your search to include non-providers as well. This may even be the case if you decide to opt for the consort solution rather than the marriage solution.
This throwing your life up in the air and changing everything stuff is quite “challenging”. I don’t recommend doing it too often, so the more sure you are that you have considered all the possibilities before choosing one the better the chance that you won’t have to do it too soon. (Choosing one, and the necessity of doing so have always been issues for me – but that’s not necessarily relevant to you.)
My sense is you are grappling with a number of related but really quite separate issues and decisions. Recognizing these and thinking about them before you get very involved in a new relationship may enable you to achieve a better result. Or at least have a better idea of why, the next time you “fall” in love based on chemistry and sex, if it becomes a nightmare rather than a dream, why that might have been the case.
(Keep in mind that without dreams there are no nightmares, but it is the nightmare that makes the dream a dream.)
One final comment and you can take it for what its worth. The contentment and fulfillment that you are looking for is within you, so don’t be surprised when it isn’t in any relationship in which you might get involved..
Which isn’t to say that women don’t have a lot to offer, and can’t help you find what you already have.
