Am I wrong to have regret?

[steveoo1970]

So I would never ever say anything to anyone in my own family. And since we all know each other only through this site ( and not through real life ) , I feel like I can get an honest assessment of my own inner being.

So I saved my mothers life roughly about 5 years ago . I walked into the house and she was slumped over the hamper in the bathroom barely breathing. I paused for a few seconds and asked myself if I should let nature take its course . I quickly convinced myself to call 911. Medics came and took her to the hospital and saved her. She had a heart attack.

Over the past 5 years she’s had a rough go of it. A medication she was put on made her blind. Found cancer in one of her lungs, so it was removed. She’s 75% def. A recent heart surgery went wrong, and now she can’t walk. Recent case of shingles has caused her immense pain throughout the nerves in her legs. She’s on multiple pain meds. All she does is complain. She’s under 24/7 home health care and she hates it. And for the cherry on top, Dementia is setting in.

For what would have been a hefty inheritance for me and my brother, is now being drained out of my mothers account over 10k a month. Her heart miraculously is fixed. But she’s not much better than Hellen Keller . So both me and my sibling are
Convinced that she’ll be drained dry over the next few years while she loses her mind and whithers away.

All I had to do was let nature take its course. And I regret not letting that happen. In hind sight, it was the right thing to do.

Am I wrong thinking that?

 

[genius]

So I would never ever say anything to anyone in my own family. And since we all know each other only through this site ( and not through real life ) , I feel like I can get an honest assessment of my own inner being.

So I saved my mothers life roughly about 5 years ago . I walked into the house and she was slumped over the hamper in the bathroom barely breathing. I paused for a few seconds and asked myself if I should let nature take its course . I quickly convinced myself to call 911. Medics came and took her to the hospital and saved her. She had a heart attack.

Over the past 5 years she’s had a rough go of it. A medication she was put on made her blind. Found cancer in one of her lungs, so it was removed. She’s 75% def. A recent heart surgery went wrong, and now she can’t walk. Recent case of shingles has caused her immense pain throughout the nerves in her legs. She’s on multiple pain meds. All she does is complain. She’s under 24/7 home health care and she hates it. And for the cherry on top, Dementia is setting in.

For what would have been a hefty inheritance for me and my brother, is now being drained out of my mothers account over 10k a month. Her heart miraculously is fixed. But she’s not much better than Hellen Keller . So both me and my sibling are
Convinced that she’ll be drained dry over the next few years while she loses her mind and whithers away.

All I had to do was let nature take its course. And I regret not letting that happen. In hind sight, it was the right thing to do.

Am I wrong thinking that?

When something happens that you need to take action on you need to take action based on the best available information that you have at that time.
At the time, unless you had a crystal ball, you had no idea of the future. You took the action that any thinking person would do.

That said, many people have a DNR clause in their medical proxy. I do and my SO does and we have made it crystal clear to our family mebers that it is to be obeyed.Hopefully your mother does and if she doesn't I suggest you have her sign such a medical proxy before dementia sets in. I assume that she has not been diagnosed with it by a medical professional. Since you are not a medical professional (I assume) you can not say with certainty that she is.

Your mothers wealth is not your inheritance until she dies — it is hers and is to be used for her benefit. I and my SO are taking steps such that our wealth will be preserved and will pass on as an inheritance if any is left. Right now our wealth is used for our comfort and enjoyment but there are steps that can be taken to "have your cake and eat it" too.

Please seek legal help on what has to be done — like now.

 

[NINE-LIVES]

So I would never ever say anything to anyone in my own family. And since we all know each other only through this site ( and not through real life ) , I feel like I can get an honest assessment of my own inner being.

So I saved my mothers life roughly about 5 years ago . I walked into the house and she was slumped over the hamper in the bathroom barely breathing. I paused for a few seconds and asked myself if I should let nature take its course . I quickly convinced myself to call 911. Medics came and took her to the hospital and saved her. She had a heart attack.

Over the past 5 years she’s had a rough go of it. A medication she was put on made her blind. Found cancer in one of her lungs, so it was removed. She’s 75% def. A recent heart surgery went wrong, and now she can’t walk. Recent case of shingles has caused her immense pain throughout the nerves in her legs. She’s on multiple pain meds. All she does is complain. She’s under 24/7 home health care and she hates it. And for the cherry on top, Dementia is setting in.

For what would have been a hefty inheritance for me and my brother, is now being drained out of my mothers account over 10k a month. Her heart miraculously is fixed. But she’s not much better than Hellen Keller . So both me and my sibling are
Convinced that she’ll be drained dry over the next few years while she loses her mind and whithers away.

All I had to do was let nature take its course. And I regret not letting that happen. In hind sight, it was the right thing to do.

Am I wrong thinking that?

Was she a great mom to you and your brother in all aspects of motherhood?

If so, then cherish whatever time you may have left with her. However uncomfortable her existence may be, try to make it better for her like she did for you when you were a child and in need.

I speak from experience, my mom being transformed by dementia to a vegetable. But I made sure I saw her as much as I could, even though I had become a complete stranger to her. As hard as it was too look at her like that, I had to be there for her, regardless of if she knew or not. I knew. It left me with no regrets when she faded away entirely and eventually passed.

If Nature HAD taken its course, you wouldn't have walked into her house to be there for her 5 years ago to save her life.

What I would give right now to have 1 day with my mom, I would do anything.

I don't think you're wrong, I think your upset at seeing your mom in her current state. Most normal people don't like to see others suffer.

 

[LISteve]

Hate to say it but at some point you hit a certain age and you have to go through financial planning so medicaid covers this stuff. As far as maybe letting your mom die - a whole other ballgame for me. I lost both of my parents when they were very young. I wouldn't know how to relate.

 

[medroogies]

So I would never ever say anything to anyone in my own family. And since we all know each other only through this site ( and not through real life ) , I feel like I can get an honest assessment of my own inner being.

So I saved my mothers life roughly about 5 years ago . I walked into the house and she was slumped over the hamper in the bathroom barely breathing. I paused for a few seconds and asked myself if I should let nature take its course . I quickly convinced myself to call 911. Medics came and took her to the hospital and saved her. She had a heart attack.

Over the past 5 years she’s had a rough go of it. A medication she was put on made her blind. Found cancer in one of her lungs, so it was removed. She’s 75% def. A recent heart surgery went wrong, and now she can’t walk. Recent case of shingles has caused her immense pain throughout the nerves in her legs. She’s on multiple pain meds. All she does is complain. She’s under 24/7 home health care and she hates it. And for the cherry on top, Dementia is setting in.

For what would have been a hefty inheritance for me and my brother, is now being drained out of my mothers account over 10k a month. Her heart miraculously is fixed. But she’s not much better than Hellen Keller . So both me and my sibling are
Convinced that she’ll be drained dry over the next few years while she loses her mind and whithers away.

All I had to do was let nature take its course. And I regret not letting that happen. In hind sight, it was the right thing to do.

Am I wrong thinking that?

You had no idea those things would happen. Assuming you know the outcomes were going to be that bad, then maybe you would feel bad for putting her through all that. Maybe. That said, saving a life gives meaning to your own, regardless of longer-term outcomes.

The assumption is your intent was for her to get more time. And that it would be good time, or at least moderately good.
I agree that sometimes extending life for the sake of extending it is cruel, more often for them than yourself. My own mother is over 80 years old, practically blind, practically deaf and alcoholic. Needs constant assistance. Nobody has ever needed to save her - her DNA has kept her going for close to 20 years SINCE the doctor said alcoholism had eaten her liver to the point she only had 6 months to live.
Sometimes nature just plays cruel jokes on people - and my mother constantly asks what God's plan for her is, since she doesn't understand why he's keeping her around. I remind her that she's around to let us know that we need to take care of ourselves as best we can, and that the person who brought us into the world still cares about us. If I found her slumped over and barely (or not) breathing, I'd still call 911.

But she has signed a DNR. Not that it matters. Nothing seems to want to take her yet. I would say the same for your mom. You did the right thing and should have no regrets. It's not about the money. My mom doesn't have a pot to piss in. She's draining us, there is no inheritance. But she brought us into this world, she raised us well, and we owe her to care for her as best we can.

 

[Bricktop]

So I would never ever say anything to anyone in my own family. And since we all know each other only through this site ( and not through real life ) , I feel like I can get an honest assessment of my own inner being.

So I saved my mothers life roughly about 5 years ago . I walked into the house and she was slumped over the hamper in the bathroom barely breathing. I paused for a few seconds and asked myself if I should let nature take its course . I quickly convinced myself to call 911. Medics came and took her to the hospital and saved her. She had a heart attack.

Over the past 5 years she’s had a rough go of it. A medication she was put on made her blind. Found cancer in one of her lungs, so it was removed. She’s 75% def. A recent heart surgery went wrong, and now she can’t walk. Recent case of shingles has caused her immense pain throughout the nerves in her legs. She’s on multiple pain meds. All she does is complain. She’s under 24/7 home health care and she hates it. And for the cherry on top, Dementia is setting in.

For what would have been a hefty inheritance for me and my brother, is now being drained out of my mothers account over 10k a month. Her heart miraculously is fixed. But she’s not much better than Hellen Keller . So both me and my sibling are
Convinced that she’ll be drained dry over the next few years while she loses her mind and whithers away.

All I had to do was let nature take its course. And I regret not letting that happen. In hind sight, it was the right thing to do.

Am I wrong thinking that?

Love your Momma while she’s here.

 

[Excitable Boy]

So I would never ever say anything to anyone in my own family. And since we all know each other only through this site ( and not through real life ) , I feel like I can get an honest assessment of my own inner being.

So I saved my mothers life roughly about 5 years ago . I walked into the house and she was slumped over the hamper in the bathroom barely breathing. I paused for a few seconds and asked myself if I should let nature take its course . I quickly convinced myself to call 911. Medics came and took her to the hospital and saved her. She had a heart attack.

Over the past 5 years she’s had a rough go of it. A medication she was put on made her blind. Found cancer in one of her lungs, so it was removed. She’s 75% def. A recent heart surgery went wrong, and now she can’t walk. Recent case of shingles has caused her immense pain throughout the nerves in her legs. She’s on multiple pain meds. All she does is complain. She’s under 24/7 home health care and she hates it. And for the cherry on top, Dementia is setting in.

For what would have been a hefty inheritance for me and my brother, is now being drained out of my mothers account over 10k a month. Her heart miraculously is fixed. But she’s not much better than Hellen Keller . So both me and my sibling are
Convinced that she’ll be drained dry over the next few years while she loses her mind and whithers away.

All I had to do was let nature take its course. And I regret not letting that happen. In hind sight, it was the right thing to do.

Am I wrong thinking that?

Make an appointment with an elder care attorney to determine if her assets can be protected. I know there is a time frame for gifting, but If you have the power of attorney, there must be a way to preserve some of her assets.

 

[Capt Kidd]

I agree with alot thats said on here , I believe you should contact a elder care atty and have her put on medicaid for all alot of the bills. An elder care atty is expensive but they know how to navigate the system so that there are still some cookies left in the jar for when she finally passes and hopefully something is left for her heirs .

 

[trader1]

So I would never ever say anything to anyone in my own family. And since we all know each other only through this site ( and not through real life ) , I feel like I can get an honest assessment of my own inner being.

So I saved my mothers life roughly about 5 years ago . I walked into the house and she was slumped over the hamper in the bathroom barely breathing. I paused for a few seconds and asked myself if I should let nature take its course . I quickly convinced myself to call 911. Medics came and took her to the hospital and saved her. She had a heart attack.

Over the past 5 years she’s had a rough go of it. A medication she was put on made her blind. Found cancer in one of her lungs, so it was removed. She’s 75% def. A recent heart surgery went wrong, and now she can’t walk. Recent case of shingles has caused her immense pain throughout the nerves in her legs. She’s on multiple pain meds. All she does is complain. She’s under 24/7 home health care and she hates it. And for the cherry on top, Dementia is setting in.

For what would have been a hefty inheritance for me and my brother, is now being drained out of my mothers account over 10k a month. Her heart miraculously is fixed. But she’s not much better than Hellen Keller . So both me and my sibling are
Convinced that she’ll be drained dry over the next few years while she loses her mind and whithers away.

All I had to do was let nature take its course. And I regret not letting that happen. In hind sight, it was the right thing to do.

Am I wrong thinking that?

All I had to do was let nature take its course. And I regret not letting that happen. In hind sight, it was the right thing to do.

Are you contradicting yourself?
Had you let nature take its course, perhaps you would feel guilt knowing your could have saved her—
And then you mention you regret this because most of her life savings is being drained …
You could never have predicted the agonizing years of care she requires.
In my respective opinion, you did as your instincts suggested was to save and help mom- Had she had a DNR, perhaps the outcome would have been different ….

As others here a correctly suggested, look into an elder care attorney to help with long term care for mom while preserving her assets. There are several options you may have..

I also highly suggest investing in a long term care policy while one is pre retirement age and needs to hedge the incredible cost of long te care, if needed.

 

[TheRicker]

IMHO
People shouldn't expect money / inheritance that they didn't earn. Your mother and or father earned that money. You did not. I have taken care of ill and dying parents and/ or loved ones. I always made sure they were taken care of to the fullest extent.

In your rationale I should of let my father sit in a VA hospital and gotten subpar care rather than pay for his better care.

 

[Mongercode]

IMHO
People shouldn't expect money / inheritance that they didn't earn. Your mother and or father earned that money. You did not. I have taken care of I'll and dying parents and/ or loved ones. I always made sure they were taken care of to the fullest extent.

In your rationale I should of let my father sit in a VA hospital and gotten subpar care rather than pay for his better care.

Steve was just asking an honest question and baring his soils by being vulnerable. He wasn’t talking about his rationale and your situation he was talking about his situation. Thanks Steve for sharing I think you did the right thing and now you have choice and free will to make another right decision and do what’s best for you AND your mother. Pray about it and see what happens over time you will be led down th right path and guided toward the way in which to go good luck with everything.

 

[medroogies]

IMHO
People shouldn't expect money / inheritance that they didn't earn. Your mother and or father earned that money. You did not. I have taken care of ill and dying parents and/ or loved ones. I always made sure they were taken care of to the fullest extent.

In your rationale I should of let my father sit in a VA hospital and gotten subpar care rather than pay for his better care.

As someone who can't see anything at the end of that road, I tend to agree. There could be something on my father's side, but he married a younger woman - and I know she gets it all when he goes, so chances are we'll get zippo from her, too. Overall, you're correct, I don't expect (nor did I ever) anything.

That said, I once heard someone say "don't die the richest man in the graveyard." Makes sense. What good will it do when you're in the ground? But...the entirety of existence has been to improve opportunities and outcomes for ourselves and our progeny. So inheritances play a big role in improving the lives of those who follow us.
As you said "People shouldn't EXPECT" and that is correct. But it's good to plan and be prepared, both as a parent and a child. Sadly, I've seen disputed inheritances tear brothers and sisters apart, too. So by not expecting anything, I avoid that whole issue, too.

 

[billyS]

As someone who can't see anything at the end of that road, I tend to agree. There could be something on my father's side, but he married a younger woman - and I know she gets it all when he goes, so chances are we'll get zippo from her, too. Overall, you're correct, I don't expect (nor did I ever) anything.

That said, I once heard someone say "don't die the richest man in the graveyard." Makes sense. What good will it do when you're in the ground? But...the entirety of existence has been to improve opportunities and outcomes for ourselves and our progeny. So inheritances play a big role in improving the lives of those who follow us.
As you said "People shouldn't EXPECT" and that is correct. But it's good to plan and be prepared, both as a parent and a child. Sadly, I've seen disputed inheritances tear brothers and sisters apart, too. So by not expecting anything, I avoid that whole issue, too.

That's kinda fucked up that your father would give his trophy wife everything and not his kids.

If I ever got remarried I'd still put my kids first.

 

[trader1]

That's kinda fucked up that your father would give his trophy wife everything and not his kids.

If I ever got remarried I'd still put my kids first.

Agreed-

Trophy Wives/Selfish and greedy children/Dysfunctional families and the rest

SMH sometimes when I hear about such-Amazing how money can change .. well just about everything.

 

[billyS]

So I would never ever say anything to anyone in my own family. And since we all know each other only through this site ( and not through real life ) , I feel like I can get an honest assessment of my own inner being.

So I saved my mothers life roughly about 5 years ago . I walked into the house and she was slumped over the hamper in the bathroom barely breathing. I paused for a few seconds and asked myself if I should let nature take its course . I quickly convinced myself to call 911. Medics came and took her to the hospital and saved her. She had a heart attack.

Over the past 5 years she’s had a rough go of it. A medication she was put on made her blind. Found cancer in one of her lungs, so it was removed. She’s 75% def. A recent heart surgery went wrong, and now she can’t walk. Recent case of shingles has caused her immense pain throughout the nerves in her legs. She’s on multiple pain meds. All she does is complain. She’s under 24/7 home health care and she hates it. And for the cherry on top, Dementia is setting in.

For what would have been a hefty inheritance for me and my brother, is now being drained out of my mothers account over 10k a month. Her heart miraculously is fixed. But she’s not much better than Hellen Keller . So both me and my sibling are
Convinced that she’ll be drained dry over the next few years while she loses her mind and whithers away.

All I had to do was let nature take its course. And I regret not letting that happen. In hind sight, it was the right thing to do.

Am I wrong thinking that?

What you never said, unless I missed it was what your was your mother's health like at the time you saved her.
Was she already suffering?
Was she already going downhill?

We also don't know what the relationship was between you and your mother.

Did you hate or resent her? If so I could see maybe how you could just let her die in that bathroom that day.
But otherwise basic instinct is to help the person.

All the thoughts now that are creeping into your head are only natural.

I'll leave all the estate planning advice to the "experts" here, but all the elders in my family were smart enough to spend as much as they needed to live a comfortable lifestyle, travel the world in retirement, live where they wanted to, cover all their medical expenses at the end and still leave their kids with nice little "going away" packages.
It just takes some common sense planning. No need to hire anyone unless you're completely clueless.

 

[genius]

What you never said, unless I missed it was what your was your mother's health like at the time you saved her.
Was she already suffering?
Was she already going downhill?

All 3 questions are irrelevant, IMHO.
His mother is not an 18 year old dog who is in constant arthritic pain, can't even walk anymore and the most kind thing you can do is euthanasia.
His mother either had a DNR (in which case what he and EMS did was illegal) or not (in which case he had a moral and legal obligation to call for help.

I'll leave all the estate planning advice to the "experts" here, but all the elders in my family were smart enough to spend as much as they needed to live a comfortable lifestyle, travel the world in retirement, live where they wanted to, cover all their medical expenses at the end and still leave their kids with nice little "going away" packages.

Yup.

It just takes some common sense planning. No need to hire anyone unless you're completely clueless.

Well mostly true, IMHO. Most of the estate stuff can be taken care of via beneficiaries accounts but that requires maintenance as one gets much older and conditions and mental capabilities change. For example one relative I had had three people who would be evenly shared beneficiaries of her estate with the 2 of them named in the financial accounts and the 3rd named as to inherit the house via a will. Well as she got much older and went into assisted living she sold "the house" but didn't update anything and when she died the 2 got what was left in the financial accounts and the 3rd got zip (there is no house).
Also all kinds of complications happen especially if there is remarriage as one partner passes away.

Depending upon ones net worth there are reasons to hire estate experts to protect assets from medicaid. To spend under $10K to protect a multi million $ estate is really chump change if you think about it.

One essential recommendation that all should do for little cost is a health proxy and a power of attorney with gift clause naming the most trustworthy beneficiary you have and with contingent names.

Disclaimer: Genius is a technical/scientific type not a financial or estate professional and his recommendations are made strictly from what he has seen happen to family members (his and others) when things of this subject are done properly and when they are done improperly.

 

[The Exiled]

Read the book Being Mortal - Medicine And What Matters In The End by Atul Gawande. It talks a lot about this kind of stuff. The most depressing book I ever read.

 

[Sophia Belle]

So I would never ever say anything to anyone in my own family. And since we all know each other only through this site ( and not through real life ) , I feel like I can get an honest assessment of my own inner being.

So I saved my mothers life roughly about 5 years ago . I walked into the house and she was slumped over the hamper in the bathroom barely breathing. I paused for a few seconds and asked myself if I should let nature take its course . I quickly convinced myself to call 911. Medics came and took her to the hospital and saved her. She had a heart attack.

Over the past 5 years she’s had a rough go of it. A medication she was put on made her blind. Found cancer in one of her lungs, so it was removed. She’s 75% def. A recent heart surgery went wrong, and now she can’t walk. Recent case of shingles has caused her immense pain throughout the nerves in her legs. She’s on multiple pain meds. All she does is complain. She’s under 24/7 home health care and she hates it. And for the cherry on top, Dementia is setting in.

For what would have been a hefty inheritance for me and my brother, is now being drained out of my mothers account over 10k a month. Her heart miraculously is fixed. But she’s not much better than Hellen Keller . So both me and my sibling are
Convinced that she’ll be drained dry over the next few years while she loses her mind and whithers away.

All I had to do was let nature take its course. And I regret not letting that happen. In hind sight, it was the right thing to do.

Am I wrong thinking that?

I think a child’s natural instinct is to save their momma. I think it’s also normal to have the regrets and the “what if’s”. Unfortunately money makes things complicated but I feel like that should be the last thought. Would you rather have inheritance or have your momma for just 1 more day? If you got even 1 good day out of saving her, you did the right thing. I could care less about anything that my momma possesses… money or material… the day will come when she’s not around anymore and none of that “stuff” will matter. It’s heartbreaking to read about your ordeal. I sure hope your momma doesn’t have to suffer. Just take care of her while she’s still here and not able to take care of herself… she did it for you for years.

S/N - I’m sure someone can confirm this… but I think human euthanasia is legal in some states given the right criteria is met.

 

[Uniquelyme]

So I would never ever say anything to anyone in my own family. And since we all know each other only through this site ( and not through real life ) , I feel like I can get an honest assessment of my own inner being.

So I saved my mothers life roughly about 5 years ago . I walked into the house and she was slumped over the hamper in the bathroom barely breathing. I paused for a few seconds and asked myself if I should let nature take its course . I quickly convinced myself to call 911. Medics came and took her to the hospital and saved her. She had a heart attack.

Over the past 5 years she’s had a rough go of it. A medication she was put on made her blind. Found cancer in one of her lungs, so it was removed. She’s 75% def. A recent heart surgery went wrong, and now she can’t walk. Recent case of shingles has caused her immense pain throughout the nerves in her legs. She’s on multiple pain meds. All she does is complain. She’s under 24/7 home health care and she hates it. And for the cherry on top, Dementia is setting in.

For what would have been a hefty inheritance for me and my brother, is now being drained out of my mothers account over 10k a month. Her heart miraculously is fixed. But she’s not much better than Hellen Keller . So both me and my sibling are
Convinced that she’ll be drained dry over the next few years while she loses her mind and whithers away.

All I had to do was let nature take its course. And I regret not letting that happen. In hind sight, it was the right thing to do.

Am I wrong thinking that?

You could not have forseen what would happen once you helped her. The inheritance imo should not even be considered while a Mom or Dad is alive.
No Woman in this world will love you like your Mother does. No Woman will ever be as loyal as your Mother. I'm hoping you had a great Mom growing up. I've never been a Mommas boy. However my Mom gave me so much love. I never seeked it from other Women. I was showered by love by my Mom. Some Women actually have been jealous how well my Mom treats me and their Mom's don't have that same type of relationship with them.

I think a child’s natural instinct is to save their momma. I think it’s also normal to have the regrets and the “what if’s”. Unfortunately money makes things complicated but I feel like that should be the last thought. Would you rather have inheritance or have your momma for just 1 more day? If you got even 1 good day out of saving her, you did the right thing. I could care less about anything that my momma possesses… money or material… the day will come when she’s not around anymore and none of that “stuff” will matter. It’s heartbreaking to read about your ordeal. I sure hope your momma doesn’t have to suffer. Just take care of her while she’s still here and not able to take care of herself… she did it for you for years.

S/N - I’m sure someone can confirm this… but I think human euthanasia is legal in some states given the right criteria is met.

Yes, i agree.

 

[Sophia Belle]

Read the book Being Mortal - Medicine And What Matters In The End by Atul Gawande. It talks a lot about this kind of stuff. The most depressing book I ever read.

just ordered it off Amazon