Review writing school

Cloud Nine

I had to open my big mouth.......
#1
So, you’ve just paid a woman (or a man pretending to be a woman) to have sex with you, how could you possibly be any more pathetic?


That’s right, you’ve decided to post a review of your intimate encounter on UtopiaGuide for thousands of anonymous perverts to read. Maybe you want your fellow sickos to know what a stud you are or perhaps you want others to know if she was worth it. Or just maybe you’ve determined that since you are going to hell anyways you might as well have some company. Whatever the reason may be, most of us aren’t greyfox or BMM when it comes to writing a review. Review writing isn’t the easiest thing to pull off and it’s even possible that some anonymous sex addict isn’t going to like what you wrote (or didn’t write) and decides to flame your ass. Needless to say, it’s quite a thankless position to be in. (now look, I’ve ended a sentence with a preposition and I have way too many asides in parentheses, now I’m going to get flamed by the grammar police!)

Well, it doesn’t have to be that way, and perhaps with a little coaching and tips, you can be an informative and entertaining review writer of a PMB. If I may be so bold to start this thread and convey my thoughts as to what a good escort review should contain. Now I don’t think I’m ultimate authority over this subject and I do wish to hear your opinions. Over the course of the next week or so I will contribute to this thread and integrate valid opinions and suggestions and hopefully the end result is something that I can edit into a review writing school thread that slinky could sticky somewhere for all to see.

Let’s give this try, shall we?
 

Cloud Nine

I had to open my big mouth.......
#2
Just the facts, ma'am.

Basic facts that should be in every review:

Now, a review would be pretty worthless if it didnt at least contain the very basic facts would it? Yet, I constantly see reviews omit even the simplest of information. Now I recognize that some of you are scared shitless to post contact information in fear of getting banned by the Allmighty slinkybender, so allow me to state the following:

CONTACT INFORMATION IS PERMITTED WHEN YOU ARE WRITING A LEGITIMATE REVIEW. I use the term "legitimate" because if you are writing a fluffy shill piece or a review about a banned escort/agency then don't come crying to me when you get banned.

Here is what I believe should be in every review (I will go into further detail of each element in future posts):

1) Contact info (post whatever is advertised, I do understand that you may have an escort that gives you a private phone number, I'm not asking you to post that)
2) How you found out about her services.
3) Description of escort (also, does she match her pictures?)
4) Description of location (again, if it is a private locale, then just give basics and not details)
5) Description of your expectations
6) Description of services provided
7) Fees and tips given
8) Whether this was your first experience with this agency/escort and if you plan on seeing again
9) Whether your expectations were met


If I'm missing anything let me know

Note added by Moderator:

The title of the thread MUST contain the phone number in the format XXX-XXX-XXXX
 
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Cloud Nine

I had to open my big mouth.......
#3
Details, details, details

Contact information and where did this escort come from?

Parts one and two usually go hand in hand and is the quickest part of a review to write. It can be in the begining of a review or towards the end. (It looks awkward if it's put in the middle, ie. "she slowly unzipped my pants and as she enveloped he lips around my cock I thought about how I contacted her on her website appointment sheet at www.Iwillgiveyouheadformoney.com.")

It can be conveyed easily in conjuction with your motivation:

One fine thursday, the wife was at her tennis lessons and I needed a quick fix, so I browsed garyslist and found Monica's ad and contacted her by e*mail (post e*mail if public)

Or it can be given with your conlusion:

Although Bambi wasn't my cup of tea, you can find her ad on cupid.net or call her at 867-5309
 
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#4
Tipping does not have to be included in any review.
Every tips for their own reasons.

Note added by moderator:

Unless the tip was actually a fee for service. For example in most AMPs the "tip" isn't actually a tip in the standard sense. It is a fee to provide a service.
 
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Cloud Nine

I had to open my big mouth.......
#5
What does she look like?!

Describing an escort's appearance

Part 3 is probably one of the most important thing johns consider when choosing an escort. So be honest, but remember being critical doesn't mean you have to mean. Sure alot of cyberscorts have a jillion pictures plastered all over the internet but that doesnt mean you should skip the description. Many pictures may be dated by a few years, hairdyes or pounds or might even be (gasp) photoshopped or (bigger gasp) someone else's picture!! Not only that but perhaps she has a tattoo or scars that doesnt show in her pics. By omitting this information you are doing a diservice to all of scar fetish mongers on the board.
Now just because you may not be attracted to someone, remember that some other guy may find her to be the cat's meow. (so don't get nasty abouit it) So I always find it's best to be matter of fact when it comes to describing someone's appearence. Sure it's boring but it avoids many pitfalls that I will get to later. (mainly slanting a review because you had a good time or had a bad experience.)
Describe things like height, build, chest size, ass shape, complexion, tattoos, hair and skin color, hygiene, and clothing.

I should add that I believe that using a numbers ratings system is not a good idea. We've had countless discussions on the board about this but ultimately it comes down to the fact that an appearence scale is not very helpful. If 5 is supposed to be average then why do you guys almost never rate below a 6? And if a 9 or 10 is really what she is then she most certainly should stop being a 300/hr escort. Numbers rating systems are subjective and will create confusion and I will lump it in the same category as GFE or $$.5- just say no. Let your description speak for itself.
 
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Cloud Nine

I had to open my big mouth.......
#6
BigMadM said:
Tipping does not have to be included in any review.
Every tips for their own reasons.

But sometimes tipping leads to extras, and one should be upfront about those sort of tings, dont you think?
 

Cloud Nine

I had to open my big mouth.......
#9
What shithole have I stumbled upon?

Describing the place

Describing the place not only lets us know if if a place is clean or in a safe area but it also can apply to describing the atomosphere. Some guys just like a more romantic setting while others like to boink in dark alleys. Your average run of the mill Motel 6 may not seem important to you, but it could mean something really important to someone else. Of course this doesnt apply if it's outcall, although it wouldnt hurt to mention if she comes to hotels only or may come to your home.

Describe the cleanliness, neighborhood, other inhabitants like the greeter and line up if its a brothel or MP, did you feel safe with the security, were you uncomfortable because Guido the Killer Pimp was waiting outside?


Place description is a good time to mention if she's outcall or incall, which brings us to services...
 
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Cloud Nine

I had to open my big mouth.......
#13
What were you expecting, the Spanish Inquisition?!

Expectations, desires, needs, wants- ya know the whole reason you're paying to get laid.

Although part 5 the most overlooked and omitted part of a review, in my opinion this is the most important part to include in an informative review.

"Why? Who gives a shit what I like as long as I describe what the provider does?"

I'm glad you asked that.

Telling us what gets you off is the best way for someone to relate to what gets them off.

I'll give an example.

DonQuixote is another excellent reviewer and is the best person Ive seen when it comes to describing what he needs from an escort. He does it so well, that whenever I see a good review from him, I know exactly what she did to please him. You see, DonQ, is a roleplayer. He likes to feel as if what he's doing is closest to being real. Me personally, I couldnt give a rat's ass if the escort goes out of her way to make you feel like you're on a date. I just wanna a down and dirty experience, pleasantries are fine but when an escort starts with the lying it actually turns me off. So if DonQ gives a mediocre or negative review, I might not dismiss seeing that woman just because I know he didnt get the touchy feely experience and that's just fine with me. On the flip side it doesnt mean I should dismiss any positive reviews he gives, it just gives me more information to base my decision on and that is exactly why a good review does its job properly. More info=better decisions.

So give a quick summary if you dont have the time to spell out all of your turn ons. Even if you're a vanilla guy, tell us, other vanilla guys may learn to like your reccommendations.
 
#14
This is an awesome thread!

Sometimes the obvious is overlooked. This is a thread that should be read right after the rules.

I know this has to be reiterated every fucking week.....but stop with the $1.50 or .00150 or whatever other fucking cutesy price tag you come up with. What makes a reviewer think that a guy who fucks hookers is so much craftier than the law??
 

Cloud Nine

I had to open my big mouth.......
#16
Whacking material

Description of services

Ahhh, the good stuff.

What did this trollop do to rock your world?

Now details are great but please do not try to write a letter to Penthouse Forum. Sure, everyone enjoys a titilating description of what sort of friction was created to get you to bust a nut but as men we tend to brag. So do your best to give a lowdown without the cliches.

Some people like to give a play by play which is always nice. (altho, it may tip the escort if she reads your review as to your identity)
Some like to just list the acronyms, which is fine in a pinch, but it lacks some panache.
The best reviewers give a story. Theyve already created atmosphere in the intro and previous description and they've effectively put the reader at the scene. Even if it wasnt a great time or a rip off, I can still picture myself as the reviewer in the best of reviews. Convey feelings and describe technique and most importantly- what made this experience different. Just saying, "Wow guys!! This one is a keeper, she'll blow you away!!" Hasnt told us much information at all.
Things to include:
Have you seen this person before?
What positions is she comfortable doing?
What things will she not do?
What did she do that was good?
Does she provide a massage/shower and how was it?
Was she on time/did you have to wait?
Is she shy, talkative, does she scream?
Did she do it hard and fast or slow and sensuous?
What sort of foreplay did she do?
Did it feel scripted?
How long did the session last and was it the length that was promised?
Does she require condoms for certain acts?
Are there acts on the menu that you didnt partake from?
How did she do the things she did? (every blowjob is different, some will look at you, some will deep throat, etc.)

cont...
 
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Cloud Nine

I had to open my big mouth.......
#17
cont..


Things to avoid:

a) Using the acronyms GFE and PSE.

This will get me some grief I'm sure, but let's face it- There is no universally understood meaning of GFE and PSE. So why confuse everyone and end up getting into a 10 page discussion with justlooking about it. If you think GFE means getting a BBBJ and DFK, then just say she DFK'd and BBBJ'd you. If you think GFE means that you felt like you were on a date then say you felt like you were on a date.

b) Using stupid code words.

If you're going to write a review but are afraid that LE is going to use it against you then don't bother writing the review. Guess what, if a guy like me can figure out that a cup of coffee means you blew your load then the police certainly has figured it out. No jury in the world will believe you when you testify that you were writing a fictional story about how you paid an escort 3 dollars to hang out in your hotel room brewing coffee for an hour. I know that some of tyou like to use the lingo, but please it's trite and it's time to move on. All that you are doing is making yourself look like someone who is trying to be cool who isnt.

c) Gushing or trashing.

This one isnt so obvious to everyone. Let me start by giving this piece of advice- wait a few days or a week to write your review. We tend to slant things after we just got laid or just feel slighted in some fashion. As I stated in the escort description section, something that happened in the session will slant your point of view of everything in the session towards a positive or negative. So if you had a good time, explain why it was a good time, it will show in your review, but look back objectively and I'm positive that you'll find that everthing did not go perfectly or horrendously. If she did something that pissed you off, state what she did and why it ruined the session and be fair. Maybe she did something well and you dont want to admit it because she made you stand outside in the rain for 35 minutes. (or maybe the BJ didnt feel good because you were pissed off, but explain that) By gushing and not going into detail as to why you are so happy will make you look like a shill or an easy to please idiot. By trashing an escort without being objective and explaining the situation rationally will just make you look like you have an axe to grind or that you're a hater.
 
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Cloud Nine

I had to open my big mouth.......
#18
How much?!

Fees and extras

Simple enough, yet how many people either forget to include it or have to be cute and confuse the heck out of you with some code.

Here's a math problem: $$.4$ + $1.4 - 1/2$ equals?

I'm willing to bet that I would get at least 5 different answers if I posted that in the general section. So let's put it to bed and stop using the codes. (see my explanation on "cups of coffee" above)

It's also important to let us know that if you recieve certain services if you pay extra or if the escort demands payment in the middle of the session for something you thought was included (also known as extortion).

It's also good to mention that if you negotiated the fee or paid less than what was advertised for whatever reason. (like you are grandfathered into a rate.)
 
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